Oppressed. Sad. Empty,
Oppressed. Sad. Empty,
Pissed off that these assholes injected so much damage to my family, and perhaps annoyed with my parents for being so duped and coned !
Honestly, I wished my family would have chosen something different, I am pretty much ambivalent to it, but it is what it is. I am glad it is over for me.
I could have done a lot with the first thirty years of my life (or, I could have wasted it in an entirely different way). It was a boring predictable life. I'm glad it's over, but it could have been a lot worse, so I'm happy to let it go.
I look back on the years spent being a JW and mostly feel regret for things that I didn't do or how I could have treated people better, I wasn't allowed to be friends with them, so why try. I try to look for the good that maybe came from being part of the religion but, like OTWO, I really can't give them credit for anything good that I have become or good that I have done. Had I not grown up as a JW would my life be better or worse? I cannot guess. That is where I met my husband and we both are out now and I couldn't be happier (unless my mom and sister were out too - that might be asking too much.)
From my JW training I learned how to cheat at arguing and how to be really confusing - really not a good thing but it can be FUN!
I feel like my life was hijacked.
Remember that feeling you had while playing 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' when they took the blindfold off your face and you had the tail pinned miles away from where it should have been? Laughing with the rest of them, and at yourself for how misguided you were...that's how I feel when I look back on the (xx) number of years I spent in this braindead cult! (more or less 'born in')
It absolutely boggles the mind, once the blinders have been lifted. I remember hearing of others who left years before I did who called their 'Witness years' their 'OTHER LIFE' - how I now relate to that!
I am filled with pity at all those 'still in', especially the young. Whatever seeds of REALITY I can plant with those I still have contact with, I take the opportunity to do so...
Every once in a while I'll be talking with an old friend from high school, and they'll mention something typical but extremely rude/stupid/illogical I said or did as a Witness back then, and we have a good laugh at it.
On the inside, I'm burning up with hatred for not only the people that made me that way, but for myself for not seeing what a joke my beliefs, actions and entire life was.
In short: embarassment and hatred.
When I first left the Jdubs I felt that I had lost a huge chunk of my life, I had given up dreams, sports, careers, likes that could have turned to loves for that faith BUT in saying that I have to say that when I look back now and I see how far I've come - no regrets - It molded me, to some degree into the person I am today and of course so did leaving - I believe in find the truth now, not to accept everything at face value, I treasure my family more, my relaitionship with friends, I celebrate holidays and life with gusto and if I get tipsy on the way I don't beat myself up over the guilt.
So when I look back I can see how much I've grown.
I feel it's made me who I am today. I'm a good person, who was deprived of having fun, but hey now I get to have all the fun I want without looking over my shoulder.