Dating a JW and how to get her off the cult or becoming a member myself

by svennibenni 93 Replies latest social relationships

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  Mariusuk.

  Oh and another point, IF you manage to convince her to before you pop down the aisle be warned that she will STILL want marriage before sex and also she will possibly be in need of therapy, there is a chance she may completely rebel from her programing and turn into a person you no longer recognise, drinking a lot, discovering sexuality for a newly exited exdub is often an amazing experience, drugs can posibly become involved etc etc

  Getting her out does not neccessarily lead to a rosy life, the person she evolves into might not be the person you want anymore
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  svennibenni

  Hi this is Sven again,

  I've been lazy it seems but in fact I have read a book about JW and that took me a while. Many facts I've read there come close to what I see about my girl. More or less impossible to decide things and so on. What I read makes sense to me. After getting out, people dont seem to see any sense in their lives anymore... the author found a normal christian organisation to have talks about their believing, later on. And I dont see any bad thing about believing.. the author also points out several things about JW that doesnt fit to the bible .... with paragraphs and so on. Should I use these data for my talks as well ??

  @Confuzius, I just dont find any topic that you relate to. Could you send me a link or something, thanks in advance

  @eyes open :
  1. I've ordered a copy of Releasing the bonds

  2. I told her - and that is the truth - I have to think about taking the new job because I feel that it would put a certain pressure on her because she will feel responsible for me and therefor maybe do things she normally wouldnt

  3. Yes I am lots older, but I only found out very much later, when we already had a "relation"
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  Eyes Open

  Hi Sven,

  After getting out, people dont seem to see any sense in their lives anymore...

  All depends on the person. That wasn't an issue for me, but I had a very good friend providing support.

  the author also points out several things about JW that doesnt fit to the bible .... with paragraphs and so on. Should I use these data for my talks as well ??

  Avoid bashing her with too many things. Perhaps stick to one topic at a time. Revelation? That's what she'll be doing every week at her Tuesday meeting. Maybe it would be best to read some of Releasing the Bonds first?
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  jgnat

  Should I use these data for my talks as well ??

  No....no....no....no....no.

  I don't know how many times I can say this. You are unprepared because you cannot help a cult member by intellectual argument alone. You will go in too strong and scare her back in to the religion and away from you, maybe permanently.

  No matter what you have read about the society, you have not studied the person. You must read Steve Hassan's books first before you attempt to talk to her about this stuff.
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  svennibenni

  Hi thanks again for your timely responses.

  I will read the book first, and read another until that one arrives. How about the book of Raymond Franz ??

  It is soooo weird, sometimes I speak to one ego within her brain the next time I talk to the other. This changes sometimes within one call..
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  jgnat

  It is good that you are starting to recognize the two personalities. Try and figure out what might be triggering the cult personality to take over.

  The Franz book is best for an exiting witness. If she is doubting and is ready to move away from the society, the book will help her make it the rest of the way. Again, don't force it on her and don't reveal it to her until you have a plan.
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  ESTEE

  Hi Sven,

  I would not suggest for her to read "Crisis of Conscience" until she has expressed serious doubts, or even experienced a sort of "shipwreck of her faith" where the jws are concerned. Otherwise you will scare her away. I was disfellowshipped --- kicked out of the jws --- before I would read such a book, as I believed it was the work of an apostate --- thus demonized. After my disfellowshipping, I experienced a very personal connection with God which convinced me the elders had overstepped their bounds. Only then was I more open to reading "apostate" material --- and in fact at that time I effectively devoured the book. It convinced me that the jw organization was nothing more than man-made --- not of God as I had believed previously.

  Sven, please realize you are only skimming the surface of this woman's complicated nature --- like an iceberg where you only see a fraction of what is really underneath the water. The religion has seriously undermined her self-confidence, making her co-dependent with the organization. The religion has her paralyzed with fear. The religion has been controlling her and pulling her strings for as long as she has been a member. At the present time, she is not capable of standing on her own two feet because she is dependant on the organization making decisions for her. Really. She is also not capable of entering a relationship, especially with an "outsider." True, she has some form of an emotional attachment for you right now. Her feelings for you have really confused her and thrown her off balance even more. If you really feel you must continue a relationship with her, please speak with your family doctor about how to approach this confused, frightened woman --- and maintain your own health and well-being.

  Please look after yourself, Sven. There is always a corresponding body reaction to a co-dependent personality, which could draw you in to "look after" her as a type of rescuer. This creates a chain reaction and produces a dysfunctional model of "Disrespect" wherein lies a circular pattern of Rescuer/Victim/Persecutor. Each person in a couple could be any of those three, if you are caught in this pattern of behaviour --- and it sounds like you are set up for it. This "dynamic" is not a healthy place to begin a lasting, loving relationship.

  Again I stress emphatically --- talk to your doctor.

  ESTEE
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  svennibenni

  Hi

  I really appreciate the talk with all of you - you are right, of course. It is shaking me as well, not just touching... Well I never visit doctors as I virtually am never ill ;-) maybe I am now. I dont know. See there is soooo much that goes thru my mind. And I read many many things about this cult and how members behave and so on. I just cannot write everything down it would be a matter of weeks already. When we first met each other we began talking and then talking more and more. It took months of hours-long talks until I found out that I really love her. Sometimes she acted kinda strange (although we never met in person then) but I thought she had some bad experiences or something like that.. And you are right on the other part as well. Tryin to get her off the cult is a bit tricky for my person, too. Like Estee stated I WANT to rescue her .... but to the present without that disrepect part. NO I do respect her very much actually. These long talks told me soo much about her and this one ego of her is - I 'd bet my head on that - very very honest ! Just read what I just wrote and it is very confused. Sorry thats the way I feel today. Is there anyone out there - maybe even born and risen within the truth who would consider to have a talk via skype or something like that ?? I know that is a lot to ask. But I feel it would be even more helpful ...
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  svennibenni

  @jgnat
  You asked what is triggering the change. Well I dont know for sure. But it is happening from time to time when we talk about the future, OUR plans or maybe á wedding...

  See she wants to marry me although her alter ego tells her, that this is only possible if I converted to JW. And she is not close to even think about leaving the JW or having doubts. She knows me very much, knows about my realism (..) my clear sight of facts (..) me always arguing about everything... and therefor is always unsure if I will really become a JW. Doesnt that sound like she MIGHT be knowing that this is a weird religion ???
  But I did tell her quite some time ago that I am willing to study this truth and probably will join that believ... AND that everything will turn out just fine in the end....
  Lots of promises ! I am not sure about this anymore, but if I can only get her from that cult and maybe staying "just friends" and help her on that way, that could be the best thing I ever did to anybody (OR the worst) See all this is changing me as well a bit. It is not just touching it is shaking me.
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  proplog2

  Join JW's now and avoid the rush.