I am having a bad day

by Vivamus 63 Replies latest watchtower medical

• 

  Vivamus

  It is wearing me down.

  My constant companion in life, my skull-breaking- mind-blowing- daily migraines finally got the better off me six months ago. I broke down, I cried and cried and cried. Not only cuz of the pain, but more for the fact that painkillers were not helping me anymore. And my stomach was aching due to those same painkillers. I took enough to kill a child, enough to kill my liver, enough to kill me in another few years.

  My career, based on painkillers and an iron will not to let the pain get to me, was over.

  Six months ago my own doctor send me to a psychologist. So that I might learn how to deal with the headaches. Personally I think he knew that the crying miserable human being – me – sitting in front of him had a break down.

  For the past 6 months I have been nurturing my aching head. And I have been in therapy, will my therapists told me that it might just go away. If I dealt with all that I had suppressed, the pain would go away.

  I can’t take it anymore. I feel so ungrateful for hating this life, I have wonderful friends, and family … but I cannot live like this. I am beginning to loose the little hope I had left in me, that it would be okay. I don’t think it will be okay. I can’t see past this pain, past this feeling so horrible, puking my guts out either from pain or from inadequate painkillers, or from my broken stomach.

  I am so tired. I cannot have a Christmas meal with friends, without being too tired to talk at 21.00 hours, and spending the subsequent two days in agony cuz of a blasting migraine.

  I am so tired of this. And I feel so ungrateful about it, cuz there are people having so much more difficulties that I, and some people being really sick. But right now, I cannot see past all the bad to see any of the good.

  I put up a smiling face to my friends, but I cry in the dark, or in the shower. I feel like a baby and wish I could be grown-up about this. But I cannot feel past the pain, the very real throbbing, constant pain. Some days are worse than others. Some days are even okay and bearable without drugs. Some days feel as if my teeth are being slammed out of my jaw and the stumps of my teeth slowly being drilled back in. Some days I cannot take it and take painkillers, if I take enough I feel like walking under water, sick and miserable but pain free. And some days, like this day, I loose hope and feel the need to be told it will be okay, that I will be okay. That even if I loose my job, my career, my home – I will be okay. I need to be told that I will be okay.
• 

  LtCmd.Lore

  U?
• 

  Sparkplug

  Are you ok Viv?

  Or are you starting with your "I words" that way the conversation is diffused?
• 

  Vivamus

  Sorry, i could not get it to post the first time, forgot about the needing to use wordpad and not word for copying..

  Sparky, no, right now I am not okay
• 

  journey-on

  Oh my dear! I can't imagine living with that kind of physical pain every day!

  You need to find another doctor. You need to look and look until you find someone

  that can HELP you. Headaches can be caused by so many things and the answer

  could be as simple as an allergy. Get online and research some possibilities. So

  sorry for you and the deep unhappiness enduring this is causing you. Please continue

  to seek help. Don't give up. My mother had a condition for 20 years before she found a

  doctor that instantly knew what was wrong and cured her.
• 

  mouthy

  Oh how awful .I used to suffer from Migrains many years ago for three days at a time ,couldnt stand the light was sick to my stomach could only lie with a cold cloth on my head in a dark room.
  Do you think the pills are helping. Sometimes I think they hinder..In my case they did.I had them for about 4 years.
  I do think they will end VIV ,,,But find another DR if all he does is prescribe pills. Get a couple of DR opinions.

  So sorry darling !!!!! You KNOW what I will do for you!!!!
• 

  Odrade

  Sorry Viv. I've been there. Lucky for me, it only lasted for 8 months, and I had days when the migraines were easier. There have been a few times that meant a trip to the emergency room because I knew that if I didn't go there I'd take every pill in the house just to make the pain stop.

  Blaming constant migraine on repressed emotion is BULLSHIT! It's just another way to blame the victim when they run out of medical things to try. About 10 years ago I had an MRI because of the constant, unrelenting nature of the pain, and of course it came back: "We can't find anything wrong. Do you want to try these drugs that might kill you? You could drop dead, bleed out, or just kill your liver, but well give you the pills anyways..." Yeah, give me the pills.

  I manage now with regular acupuncture and chiropractic, but still occasionally get a blinder (about 1-4 times a month,) and have to take the "drop dead" pills. Still, it's so much better than what you're experiencing, and I'm so grateful that something worked. Before my current combo (which I hope will work forever,) I tried everything except botox. Herbs, food combos, (I have no known food triggers,) other acupuncture, vitamin therapy, some dubious crackpot health products, massage, exercise, more herbs, other drugs (when it's bad, even morphine won't touch it.) The combo they give me when I go to ER is Toradol, Atavan, and Compazine. Of course I can't self-administer such a drug combo. Pot works for the nausea, which sometimes disrupts the headache, but I rarely have nausea with migraine, just pain, and I rarely have pot around anyways.

  I hope you find something soon. Don't let them tell you you're mentally ill as a reason. That's a doctor cop-out. Hang in there.
• 

  Sparkplug

  Honey. I think you will be OK. Let me share. I am there with you. Truly.

  A month ago I walked out of my job and went on leave and straight to therapy. Everyday, all day. Don't know when I will be going back in to work. Constant migraines. Cry at the drop of a hat because I have so much pent up inside.

  Isolation and constantly overvigilant. Anxiety they say, PTSD and Reoccurring Depression. Overachiever and perfectionist. Combined with ignoring signs of stress and all the rest. Lost a good portion of hair so I cut it all off. Might as well have, there was no way to hide how bad it looked. It was breaking so bad and thin. I just reached up one day and tugged a big chunk off.

  Cannot concentrate to save my life and my Adult Attention Defice...blah blah. Wont let me think past my nose. Cant remember shit due to my PTSD. Can't believe the hell I have put my family through and cannot believe the hell my job has put me through. Truly is a reason for me getting to this point and I cant even share it with everyone. Just have to get through it. You know? And just when I think I am going to fix myself...shit hits the fan so I cant even begin to work on myself yet. Not really...So, We can and will do this. As COCO says TOWANDA!!

  I feel for you honey. I really do. Truly do. But it will get better. Your body hurts because it needs you to stop. The pain is real because your body is saying slow it down. NOW!! Get some med to make you if you cannot do it yourself. Even if it is temporary. Those grooves in your brain are just getting deeper with the stress and that my dear is causing the migraines. Get some sun. Get some exercise. That helps with the depression. Truly. I am trying, but so far, I think I am still in the cry it all out phase.

  I know it is hard. Truly. I don't want to fail at anything. But if you think about it....If a person had a oozing wound and cancer and did not go get treatment...we would call them some pretty stupid names. And you my dear have the same happening. You are taking the steps and the treatment is just as hard. The mind causes some terrible body illnesses and it is not some made up crazy thing. The list of things that stress and depression causes is long and extensive and messes your life completely up.

  So honey, I am proud that you are getting help and you are not alone. Not alone at all. Please hang in there. I will be right there with you.
• 

  Vivamus

  I will be right there with you.

  Oh gawd, thank you. I cannot stop crying today and feel so alone and so very lost. My friends are being understanding, but really I cannot break down in front of them and they really cannot understand how it hurts. And I am so worried how to go on, I try to believe I will be able to get working again, and make my own money and be independent, but right now that seems so unbelievable.

  Thank you all or responding, I am gonna curl up on the sofa and have some tea.
• 

  megsmomma

  I am really sorry you are not okay....and I don't think it is unreasonable to not appreciate life when it is so painfull. I wish I knew what to do to help...I can just hope this passes for you and these migranes go away. (((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))