several years ago, when i was still interested in doctrine...i got proficient enough at scripture checkers that i could play both sides of the trinity. playing checkers is boring enough, but alone?
i was angry that i had been deceived. try as i might to fade gracefully, i did open my mouth to a few jws. these friends (yes they are still) admired me for my intelligence, so what i had to say hit them over the head with a sledgehammer. i did not know it at the time the effect i had on them, i was in my own misery.
one jw friend, never talked to me again about the bible...ever.
another friend told me later..."i figured you were talking to 'those apostates' online and they had mislead you"
another friend just recently told me..."remember when we saw each other several years ago?" "well, something you said got to me..." "it got to me so bad that i actually started thinking i was an atheist" "i was already depressed, and losing god (and everything) made me want to commit suicide"
this third friend has moved back to my city and we are close friends again. she is a very social person and figures out a way to help and use just about everyone. she uses jws as her network. she had been disfellowshipped before (a very difficult and well known disfellowshipping that took years to get back) so she knows what it's like to be without anyone.
she told me..."no matter what, i will always be your friend" "nothing you can do or say will cause me to stop talking to you, i love you" this is from a person that I (as a witness) SHUNNED FOR YEARS! i told her that i understood her situation and would try not to destroy her faith. she believes enough to keep her a witness. she is one of those persons who thinks "whom shall we go away to?"
again, i will say to those on this thread that think i am referring to atheism when i say ALL or NOTHING. when i refer to "nothing" or "throwing it ALL away"
atheists believe in SOMETHING. they have done their research and have decided for THEMSELVES NOT to believe in god. they have made a choice, taken a stand, been moved to action and are content with their decision. they are not in turmoil and agony of spirit. science, rationalism, facts, hardcore evidence fulfills them. they OWN their OWN belief system.
when i refer to NOTHING....and throwing it ALL away. it's more about those of us who are suffering with fear, shame, guilt, avoidance. who with those horrible feelings beat themselves up constantly. their mind is torn. they want to believe in god, they feel it deep inside that god exists or at least something does. but are still trapped by witness thinking. it's like they have left the witnesses, but the witness has not left them. they are their own worst enemy. a terrible, judgemental jw is inside of their liberated body...paralyzing them into nothing. the automatic thoughts of "you are not good enough" "you left jehovah" "maybe the witnesses have the truth" "i'm going to die at armageddon" "jehovah hates me" "i'm bad, evil" "i can't go to another religion, i'd be worshipping satan" "i still believe in Jehovah and the new order" "i won't be in paradise" and on and on and on.
those of us who leave, without finding a way to be deprogrammed...are more likely to suffer from anxiety, phobias, depression, isolation, withdrawel, social anxiety, sexual dysfunction, low self-esteem, guilt, judgmentalism. "throwing the baby out" to them means not facing their fears. not taking on personal responsibility. not taking a stand to believe in SOMETHING. choosing to avoid the subject, push it down, try to forget it all, ignore it. it's a coping mechanism. if i avoid it then i don't have to make a decision and i can avoid the pain. if some of these are asked "what is your religion" they may say..."i don't have any" or "christian" or "i'm more spiritual than religious" they avoid praying or thinking about god. go through life ignoring their spirituality. outside they may look "wordly" they could have grown a beard, got a tattoo, started smoking or taking drugs...even left their husband or wife. but, inside they still feel like a "witness" like they really don't fit in, that others will see right through them, they are an imposter...they still feel "different" and are longing to feel "normal"
all of their life they have had someone make their decisions for them. now, alone...they are incapable of making a decision. this is when they think..."maybe i was better off as a witness."
we were witnesses. seven days a week, 365 days a year. just because you stop going to the kingdom all doesn't change this. if you throw it all away, you are left with an empty shell (a tattooed worldy one). one good squeeze from the "world" and you shatter and blow away.
We are no longer part of a man made religion. Some of us are Atheists, some of us are crazy over the top fundamentalists. Some of us are NOTHING. But, we want to be SOMETHING. if we could just get rid of this fear...this fear of "what if" just maybe "they were right"
this fear of deciding for ourselves what we want to believe.