Dfed and Damned for Life

by Hangin_on 54 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Hermano


  • sass_my_frass

    I tried to get reinstated for only a few months and it nearly killed me, I don't know how you both have survived. Also since I now don't know why I ever wanted to go back I can't really help you out with anything. All I can say is, sorry bro, that really sucks. I hope that you work it out either way.

  • vitty

    What they mean by the adulterous relationship has me concerned, once adultry has been commited and you don't sleep with youre' wife again after it, that means she has not taken you back so you are free to divorce and remarry. If you and youre x wife slept together after the adultry her being fully aware of the adultry and she willfully slept with you, she then forgives and takes you back as her husband, scriptually if you married the other women you are in an adulterous marraige.

    This is typical WT crappy reasoning.....................its got nothing to do with scripture !!!!

  • Scully

    There's not much I can add to the thoughts that have already been posted.

    I particularly agree with the poster who feels that you will never be reinstated by the committee that DFd you both in the first place. If you're really interested in being reinstated, you'll need to move to a different congregation where your history will not be the topic of gossip among JWs. At that point, a new committee would be arranged, and although they must consult with the original committee that DFd you, often they will agree with the new committee's recommendations to reinstate.

    What they are looking for is "evidence of repentance", and according to JW standards, I think you've done a good job of meeting their requirements. What I'm seeing from the description you gave of the elders on your committee is that they're just being jerkwads and getting some perverse pleasure out of watching you twist in the wind and compounding the stress of health problems, etc. They want you to grovel, and beg, and plead. They want to crush your spirit. They have you and your wife in a kind of solitary confinement - forcing you to scrupulously follow the rules for reinstatement, and denying you the logical outcome of following the rules. What they are doing is a form of what is known as "white torture", an extreme form of psychological torture.

    The loneliness never leaves you, long after you are “free.” Every door that is closed on you..This is why we call it “white torture.” They get what they want without having to hit you. They know enough about you to control the information that you get: they can make you believe that the president has resigned, that they have your wife, that someone you trust has told them lies about you. You begin to break. And once you break, they have control.
    Psychological torture also includes deliberate use of extreme stressors and situations such as mock execution, shunning, violation of deep-seated social or sexual norms and taboos, or extended solitary confinement. Because psychological torture needs no physical violence to be effective, it is possible to induce severe psychological pain, suffering, and trauma with no externally visible effects.

    It would not surprise me at all if you and your wife were suffering from the effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of how you've been treated by the JWs.

    Whether you have family members in or not, I think it would be in your wife's, your own and your child's best interests for you to sit down together and really think about whether all the pain and anguish you've been subjected to is worth it to be reinstated to the JWs. In real life, people make mistakes, they get divorced, they marry someone else, and they move on with their life. These elders on your judicial committee are deliberately keeping you from doing that. They are deliberately withholding from you and your wife (and your soon-to-be-born child) the ability to associate freely with JW family members. Does that sound reasonable to you? Does it sound loving? Is that how Jesus would treat someone who asked for his forgiveness? When Jesus talked about the prodigal son, how long did it take for his father to accept him back and welcome him with open arms, and allow him to enjoy the company of the household again? Did he have to sit at the back of the Kingdom Hall for three years? Did he have to "demonstrate works that befit repentance" for an undisclosed amount of time?

    Is that the kind of "loving" environment you want to raise children in? Be honest with yourself. Your family deserves so much better than this.

  • OnTheWayOut

    Many many years ago, counsel to elders was this: If a brother (or sister) commits adultery to get a divorce and is disfellowshipped,
    and gets married to the same sister (or brother) they committed adultery with, then they are scheming. They planned to get
    disfellowshipped and reinstated, winding up with the partner they really wanted.

    Your going to all the meetings and assemblies causes them to think the whole thing was a scheme to dump your wife and get
    the woman you wanted, then work on restoring your status with the congregation.

    It is a crock. What they view as a scheme should be looked at as an ordinary mistake on your part. (It happens all the time, so that
    makes it ordinary, serious, but ordinary.) Your ex-wife's actions clearly free you to remarry, so marrying the woman you cheated
    with is probably one of the best things you could have done if you two had feelings for each other. You did something right after
    your mistake, and they view it as scheming. They would have you suffer in singleness for a while until you are reinstated. They
    would have this woman do the same. They would counsel you to stay away from each other. Who are they? You did the right

    They brush you off because the same counsel to elders told them to make the schemers wait A LONG TIME for reinstatement.
    Do yourself a favor. Do not even jokingly consider a divorce because of how the elders view your marriage. It is a proper
    marriage, not an adulterous one. Seek therapy if you even consider divorce- outside therapy from an expert. You might really
    need it, anyway, as the WTS is causing the both of you to carry guilt and a lot of garbage with you. Take your wife out and
    enjoy her.

  • OnTheWayOut
    I think they blame me because they don't want to blame themselves for her leaving

    That is the exact thought I was looking for. They heap the entire thing upon you
    to avoid accountability. Your ex-wife's actions afterward are not upon you. They are
    primarily upoin her. Sure, the elders let her down. Sure, she was free to do what she
    wanted to (same as you), but she was in this life-controlling religion. She chose to
    violate their rules on her own. The elders are saying she never would have if you
    remained faithful. I suppose if she killed her lover, that would be your fault, too. You
    should go to prison for her? NO.

    You are free of them. If you insist on going back to their chains upon your life, then
    submit the reinstatement letter EVERY SINGLE WEEK, regardless of what they say
    about waiting. In your situation and with your beliefs, I would just walk away from the
    religion and make my peace with the creator.

    If the creator you believe in is not capable of forgiving the first mistake, then he might
    as well be prepared to destroy 99.9% of all humans, because they don't measure up.
    (Yeah, according to WTS, He is prepared to do that.)

  • Hangin_on

    that explains alot... they asked me if there was scheming involvrd in the last meeting

  • Mum

    Hangin, you and your wife are so young and probably do not realize what shabby treatment you are getting.

    My question for you would be, Do you want to do the right thing for yourself and your family? Divorcing a pregnant young wife is not the right thing, and two wrongs do NOT make a right.

    It would be so wonderful to hear that you, your wife and child managed to have healthy, normal relationships. I hope you and your wife never start the "blame game" which can result from the kind of pressure these cruel men are putting on you. Please try to accept what is, reality, and make good with it. Your wife and child need you.

    I agree with scully that you both could be suffering from PTSD. Counseling could help.

    Wishing you happier times ahead,


  • tall penguin
    tall penguin

    "I agree with scully that you both could be suffering from PTSD. Counseling could help."

    I was diagnosed with PTSD after striving for a year and a half to get reinstated. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would never have bothered trying to jump through their hoops. I think counseling would be useful at this point. You need support to see the reality of what's going on here. The wt blinders are on and it's killing you slowly. It's not worth it.

    tall penguin

  • Hangin_on

    where do you start for counciling... my wife believes that we are not reinstated because of my attitude. I believe that the judicial hearing is no different than a court hearing and the elders seek to be guided by holy spirit but that jah does not directly influence them... they make the ultimate decision based on what they see from you and the application of bible principles.

    I would go to a counselor but I dont want to bring reproach on gods name

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