Dfed and Damned for Life

by Hangin_on 54 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Hangin_on

    I have posted my story on here before. I was dfed at 22 for sleeping with an 18yr old girl in my cong. I was married and me and my "mistress" were both dfed.

    I admit I was wrong by even the worlds standards. I can blame other people... the elders, the other cong members for pressuring me to get married young but I know ultimately what i did was my fault and is unexcusable.

    about 2 years ago I got divorced and married the woman that I got dfed for sleeping with. (we have been dfed for 3 years and 4 months)

    We have been clean and in line with bible and WTS standards for 1 year and 10 months. In this time she has gone thru a number of health problems. We have made more meetings than the elders on our comittee and have gone to all of the assemblies. We have written about 5 or 6 letters. Sometimes it takes them 6 months to respond to a letter. I asked for a meeting verbally and one of the elders didn't tell the other elders on the comittee for 5 months. When they meet with us they keep talking about how we are in an adulterous marriage and that the congregation views us as tax collectors and Jah may forgive us but will never let us forget that we are in an adulterous marriage.

    My ex wife does not go to meetings... she is drifted, she has had boyfriends live with her and had sex even before I married my current wife.

    I asked the elders to meet with us after giving them a letter 6 months ago and they talked about how the other elders on my comittee are going on vacation and they dont know when they will have time.

    I feel like it is very low priority for them to reinstate us or even meet with us. Is this something that the elders are taught... to neglect reinstatement letters and not meet with sincere individuals????

    I also don't understand where they are going with this aldulterous marriage stuff.... do they not recognize my marriage, maybe I should get a divorce??????

    My wifes mother very rarely spoke to her but after the convention (there was a part on how to treat dfed people) she wrote my wife a letter telling her to not talk to her and that she loves Jah more and we should pray for forgiveness.

    My mother is also a jerk to me all the time asking me what I want if I call her... telling me that she can't talk to me but when her computer breaks or she has a car problem she calls me right away expecting help.

    I just don't understand what everybody wants from us... I have a sick pregnant wife, alot of stress in my life and both of our parents act like we are doing somethinig to prohibit our reinstatement.

    I feel like I am giving all that I can and that it doesnt matter.

  • Gopher

    Hello Hangin' On. I see you've been posting here for about 6 months, and still you're treated like dirt by everyone in the organization, including your parents and your wife's parents.

    You say you're giving all you've got and it isn't enough. Is there a reason why you want to give anything to people acting like Pharisees? Do you still think JW's have the truth? If they are the real Christians, then why don't they act like it in your congregation or hardly anywhere else (as you can see on this board from experiences all around the world - quite the same)?

    And I hope you're not serious in your question about whether you should get a divorce now just to please the congregation and get back in with them. Your wife NEEDS you now. I would guess she appreciates all the 'giving' of yourself that you do 100 times more than anyone in the JW congregation.

    You have a golden opportunity, here and now, to leave behind the Pharisaical elders and the JW relatives who will only love you on their terms and with their stupid conditions. Please read and study up on the REAL history of the organization, not the one spoon-fed to you by the writers at the WTS. This is the key to loosening the mental chains in which you currently seem to be trapped.

    The people on this board are here for you, no matter what your decision.


    You need to do some research on why these people can't possibly represent God.

    The WTBTS is a publishing company with property holdings using mind-controlled free labor.

    Would Jesus treat you or a tax collector like this? Can you feel the love?

    They are pharisees, vipers, snakes.

    Don't let them suck the life out of you, or your wife, or your child.


    Sorry if I sounded harsh, my anger is directed at them, not you.

    Yeah, what Gopher said.

  • fedorE

    You are making yourself sick. Its not worth it. Im going through the same thing. I moved into my parents empty house to get reinstated and to see my son but after going to meetings for 2yrs and not getting reinstated yet -cause i dont go to all the mtgs- now i have lost the desire for all of it. I have to live for myself. Not for everyone else. So thats my advice to you. Live your life for you. Be honest to yourself. If u go back u will always be seen as damaged goods anyway. But if you must, be prepared for most ppl in your cong to look at you sideways for a long time before you get into the "in" crowd, if thats what you want. Of course once u get reinstated you can always go in service everyday until they are forced to recognize your sincerity. Have fun. Now wouldnt it be better to be true to yourself? This is only my opinion. Do whats in your heart, after all you learn by your mistakes.

  • Namaste

    Do you really want these people in your new baby's life? They don't deserve it, not one little bit. Don't let them rob you of the joy you are going to experience as a parent. Can you even begin to imagine treating your own child that way?

    Trust me, once you look at that little being you helped create, try to imagine yourself rejecting them, telling them they were not worth anything and that you cannot even talk to them because they committed some sort of "sin" that a bunch of men decided they didn't feel sorry about.

    I know it hurts thinking your family won't be involved in the life of your new family. My son has a 2 cousins he has never met and 3 cousins he sees very rarely. I thought we would be one big happy family one day but it didn't work out that way.

    But guess what? My JW parents figured out if they wanted to see my son, they would have to drop all the JW talk and not talk to me about coming back. I have made some wonderful friends not only for myself but my son also.

    I can't even begin to imagine dragging my son to meetings 3 times a week along with service. For what? So that when he screws up when he gets older they can embarrass him, shun him and make him feel worthless? No thank you. I'll keep the happy little life I currently have.

    Go take care of that pregnant wife of yours and give her all the support you can. Envision the positive, happy, joyful future you can create for your child and make it happen.


  • Hangin_on

    I appreciate everyones input. My personal view of things.... I don't encourage or discourage people to stay in or out of the organization... what if I am wrong in doing so either way.

    I would rather not have any bloodguilt and remain neutral. Just like not making a call if someone is anointed or not. I don't want to be blasphemous (probably spelled wrong)

    Does anyone know the significance behind the adulterous marriage issue.. I heard there is even an adulterous marriage form that they file on you.

    also is it a set teching in MTS school or whatever elder school is out there to ignore reinstatement letters and act like its not important to meet with you???

    If I came up to an elder and told him I had sex with a woman from work they would meet with me within a few days.

    I guess the questions I have would be best answered by someone who was reinstated and faced the same issues or an EX- Elder that has been coached on how to handle reinstatements and judicail hearings etc.

  • mind my own
    mind my own


    Not to minimise your pain, b/c I think most, if not all of us here have experienced feeling anger, frustration, and pain from loosing loved ones, friends and family turning their backs on us (or knowing they will if they decide to leave)...however, have you heard of that saying "Things happen for a reason?" Well, this is a decision you will have to make on your own, but...maybe you should really think about that saying and see if it might apply to you in this case. What does your heart and your gut feeling tell you about this situation? Maybe your prayers really are being answered!

    Best of luck to you, and please know we are all here for you so you are not alone!!


  • SnakesInTheTower


    also is it a set teching in MTS school or whatever elder school is out there to ignore reinstatement letters and act like its not important to meet with you???

    i can tell you from both schools the answer is no.... however, I can tell you from my experience as a former elder that whether they respond to your letters has everything to do with the chairman of the committee that met with you...it is his call. He may not even tell the other members of the JC about your letter. This happened on the last JC I served on...the DF sister kept writing letters...and I did not find out until weeks or months later. The chairman of this particular committee had a axe to grind with her and made her wait until 15 months went by to seriously consider her reinstatement......and not a bit of help in the interim (well, except from me on the sly, but thats another story) I always read every letter with an open mind. I was apparently a renegade on this point.....

    If you are still in the same congo as you were when you were D/F...then the notoriety of your marriage may hold you back...if you really insist on going back to the JW's cult (sorry, my opinion..I'm still "in" myself) then you will likely have to go to another congo where you are not well known and make all the meetings for 6 months then reapply for reinstatement....the original JC in your original KH still has the final say..... but if the new elders report "progress", you are more likely to get reinstated....

    but before you even bother to reapply for reinstatement, do you really want to go back to that "love factory?" If you love your wife, and it sounds as if you do, then you two need to have a serious discussion about how going back will affect your family's life.... we can all give advice here...some based on experience...but it is ultimately your life that is in play here

    Just my 2 cents worth... hope it helps not hurts....

    SnakesInTheTower (of the "wish you the best in your decision" Sheep Class)

  • Gopher

    Hangin' On:

    I don't encourage or discourage people to stay in or out of the organization... what if I am wrong in doing so either way. I would rather not have any bloodguilt and remain neutral.

    I agree people must make their own decisions about what types of groups they choose to be with.

    However, this is about YOU, your wife and child. It's not about whether you advocate the JW's to others or not.

    Again your question "what if I am wrong..." reveals a need to do serious research about the origins of the Society and how it got to where it is today. You will find it quite revealing. www.freeminds.org is a good place to start.

    As for this 'adulterous marriage' thing, I've seen where some JW's have gotten into such a marriage and then showed up at another hall reinstated (how long it took I don't remember). You seem to be depending on the mercy of a judicial committee that is treating you unlovingly (which I too have experienced).

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