Need Your Opinion and Why...

by brunnhilde 37 Replies latest social relationships

  • brunnhilde

    Backstory: I just moved out of the house my soon-to-be-ex and I own together. He's staying until the house sells. In the meantime, I'm paying half the mortgage and half the utilities. Until just recently I was paying 65% of everything because he hasn't worked full-time in six years. I moved in with my brother who lives about fifty minutes away. My ex has asked that I call before coming to the house in case he has "company." I have no intention of trying to surprise him, or coming at weird times and I don't care that he is doing anything with anyone, but I find it offensive that since I'm still paying half of the upkeep, he wants me to give him advance notice. While I may not be living there, it's still my house. If he wants privacy, then he should rent an apartment or pay the entire mortgage in my view.

    Our divorce has been fairly amicable, and both of us have faded successfully over the last year and a half. We left for VERY different reasons. For some reason this really torques me, and I'd like to know what you wonderful people think. Am I being unreasonable?


  • mrsjones5

    Sounds like he was trying to get in a dig. What did you say when he asked?

  • John Doe
    John Doe

    If the request doesn't cause you undue hardship, I'd simply honor it and move on. It's easy to waste unnecessary time and emotional grief and anger over something that no longer matters to you. If he's trying to get a dig in, that's his problem.

  • OnTheWayOut

    I will avoid commenting on the payment aspect of this where he is living in the home that you are
    paying even half of the utilities. If you all worked that out, fine.

    If you are on fairly good terms, then it won't hurt to announce your imminent arrival. Don't feel
    obligated to give 24 hours notice. An hour (or less if you just happen to be nearby) is reasonable.
    Tell him you will give a courtesy call, but not request his permission to come. In this day of
    cell phones, I think it is always best to let people know of your arrival.

    I would stay out of the living area. He should have privacy. You really don't need to go into HIS place of
    dwelling regardless of who owns it or pays for it. You should really only be going there to access
    your stuff that should be separated into a basement or garage or suitable area away from his
    living area. Living area would include kitchen, bedroom, living room, bathroom. I think you should
    have to have his permission to enter these areas. If your things are intermixed throughout his
    living area, then take them out. If you need to cross his living area to access your stuff, then 24 hours
    would seem appropriate. Most lawyers would probably say you did need permission.

    If those terms are not reasonable to him, then tell him to become your tenant with the right to
    refuse entrance, but also paying you for your share of the home. Half of whatever you could get
    for rent, plus the entire amount of utilities would be fair. That should bring him to reality. Otherwise,
    if you both have lawyers, ask their advice. If he became a tenant, you would only access storage
    spaces or give 24 hours notice if access for repairs or maintenance or viewing by buyers were needed to living space.
    You would not be required to give ANY notice of entrance to storage spaces and you would
    only access living spaces without 24 hours notice for emergencies. You would only access those
    spaces for reasonable repairs or maintenance or viewings that helps sell the home. You would even need to
    give notice before showing the house. See how complicated this could get if you both are not
    reasonable. Easier to honor a simple request- even if it requires a full day's notice.

  • snowbird

    I would tell him if he wants to have "company," he'd better rent a room or go to "company's" place! What chutzpah!


  • katiekitten

    My sister dated a man who is in your soon-to-be-ex's position.

    His ex girlfriend lets herself into the house when she likes, and rearranges the interior decorations when estate agents are due to show prospective buyers round. Im not saying this is good or bad, just an example of what someone else does.

    Also, if my sister wants to see him, she doesnt go round his house, he goes to my sisters house. Its no hardship for them.

    Personally I dont think you are being unreasonable, you know theres a possibility someone else might be round, I dont see thats an issue, unless they are buck naked and running round the house when you step inside. It wont hurt any prosective girly of his to know that he only owns half the house and its up for sale and you might be round because you own half of everything.

  • Sunspot

    Perhaps if he would foot ALL the bills and pay ALL of the mortgage payment, he would have the RIGHT to make these demands...erm....requests.

  • Mum

    You're still paying half of the utilities even though you don't live in the house? And you're paying utilities where you do live as well? This arrangement does not sound equitable to me.

    Do you guys have the marital dissolution agreement in writing and signed? Consult with your attorney to ensure that your interests are being protected. Allowing him to live in the house when he is the one who cannot make the payments sounds very fishy. I'm sorry to sound so suspicious, but I have worked for divorce lawyers and seen people pull some fast ones. Everything needs to be in writing and signed by the judge before anything is settled and decided.

    As for his "company," snowbird said it right. I wouldn't be surprised if he had somebody lined up to move in with him while you pay the bills. Again, I'm sorry to think of such things, but I am the voice of experience.

    Be oh-so careful,


  • sweetface2233

    No offense, and I AM divorced, but women make those kinds of demands on men all of the time. In most cases the guy pays the ENTIRE mortgage and utilities. I see no reason why the shoe can't be on the other foot. When my ex and I split, I had to turn my keys in and give notice as to when I was coming by. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

  • Dragonlady76

    It's your house too, you should be able to go over whenever the mood strikes you. I do understand his viewpoint but chances are that if you were going over you would tell him before hand and if he was having "company" over I think he might call to warn you. Just my .02

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