If he did all those things to you I can understand why you keep your distance, you should remind him of all that and ask him to apologise. But at least what you did seems to work since he is softening up.
my "father" decided to send me an email!
by theinfamousone 44 Replies latest jw experiences
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sinis
Good or bad, I'm sure your father provided for you while growing up. Sometimes, people don't treat others the way they should, either because they don't know how or they think what they are doing is correct.
it has been stated before, but i will reiterate that providing for someone does not make up for the shit he put me through! you obviously did not read my story, which is definitely ok, but you later went on and said, would you rather be an orphan? well, i am an orphan! i was adopted by a monster, who one day talks to me like he did in this email, then the next day takes a swing at me for talking to my sister... the man is completely imbalanced and i am wondering if he is delusional, or if he is schizophrenic... either way, he treats everyone else just fine, but always has cutting words and punches to throw... i see no need to put myself into the kind of danger i was once in... and will not until the man is willing to admit he did wrong and not just remember "the good times" of which there were very few...
at this point, i have forgiven, i have put it behind me, but i have not grown stupid. he was not apologizing, he was taking a shot
the infamous one
Fair enough. I apologize that I did not read your account. Have you ever wondered why he seems to "hate you"? Maybe its not you, but a chemical/mental imbalance. LIek I said not making excuses but there is always a reason for something. Sounds like you don't want to make contact, which is completely up to you. If that is the case then perhaps you should reply to his email and kindly tell him not to contact you anymore. Depending on your email provider you can more than likely block his emails from coming to you.
Just to let you know, I did grow up in a abusive household fraught with divorce and hatred. Only recently have I made amends with my bio father and step mother, though I do keep my distance from my stepmother.
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jillbedford
The e-mail you got from you Dad sounds like a manipulative attempt to hurt you. People like this are toxic and do not deserve to be a part of our lives. One day you will be able to forgive and move forward. This will be a relief because then he can't hurt you anymore. This forgiveness does not have to mean talking to him though. It does not sound like he deserves that.
I am sorry you are going through this. Everyone seems to have a "toxic" person somewhere in or out of their lives, so you will have others who share your misery at least in part.
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sinis
The e-mail you got from you Dad sounds like a manipulative attempt to hurt you. People like this are toxic and do not deserve to be a part of our lives. One day you will be able to forgive and move forward. This will be a relief because then he can't hurt you anymore. This forgiveness does not have to mean talking to him though. It does not sound like he deserves that.
I am sorry you are going through this. Everyone seems to have a "toxic" person somewhere in or out of their lives, so you will have others who share your misery at least in part.
The only problem I see with that train of thought is that YOU still allow the other person to have power over you until that "day" comes. Let it go, move on, and break the chains...
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Gretchen956
Infamous you poor kid, I too came from such a household, the bully was mostly my mom, but when dad decided to weigh in he used his fists instead of a belt like mom did. I'm not going to go down the road of comparing bruises, only to say that the outward wounds are not the worst, the inner wounds are longer lasting. It takes a long time for all of those wounds to heal and for forgiveness to take place. I'm like you, I have forgiven them, but I am very thankful they have elected to shun me. I don't choose to be around people that are negative and cause constant drama, family or not.
You are correct, IMO about why your dad sent the email. My mom is the same way, very manipulative. You've passed the first hurdle by not responding to him. People like that like to lob word grenades and then scurry back to watch the turmoil they have caused. And your reacting to those word bombs is where they feed on that energy. So congratulations on that step.
If you need more family, I'll volunteer to be your eccentric Aunt Sherry!
Take care and don't worry about what other people think about how you handled it. You are growing and learning and I think you did awesome. Personally I think when we stop growing and learning we die. I hope to live a long time, lol.
Sherry
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jgnat
People like that never own up that they've done wrong. If they had, they would have changed. So of course, it must be your fault that he wasn't a good daddy like Will Smith.
If I were you, I'd rent the film with kleenex in one hand and girlfriend in the other, and point out all the things that dedicated, loving dad did that YOURS did not.
No need to respond to the e-mail.
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sass_my_frass
Infamous: your adopted father is certainly a maggot. It's very classy of you not to have replied to him with something that matched his tone. I just want to offer a different perspective on that movie he's talking about. I saw it and thought it was not just lame but also the story about the delusional state that the main character (true story) lives in. For real, he lived in poverty on purpose and forced his baby son to live on the streets to get what he wanted. He happens to have materially succeeded, but the price was his sons innocence and childhood. He put his little boy through hell, and think he's a hero because he's loaded now and "It Was All Worthwhile". I'll bet his son, grown up now, holds this against him. Just the thought that any person could compare himself to that character and feel maligned gives me the creeps, but yes, your father would never understand that, because he suffers from a similar delusion.
Are you able to change email addresses, to one he doesn't know? It might be helpful for you to go for a time without the risk of having something like this happen again. I know the feeling; last I heard from one of my loveless siblings was via email, which I opened while travelling for work and in the office of a bunch of people I needed to impress. It really went badly...
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IsaacJS2
I have written a little about my father in another thread. His abuse was purely psychological/emotional. But in the end, it's still a power thing. Abusive people use guilt to control us. Once I realized that it was all about him messing with my head, it got a lot easier. The way that people sometimes blame the victims for "shunning" their parents doesn't help, but I think sometimes other parents tend to identify with the abusive parent too much. They don't consider the possibility that some people are too destructive to take part in our lives. The day my father tried to rip my front door off it's hinges with a crowbar finally did it for me. I see now that I'm not doing this to him; he was doing it to us both. And now he's only got himself to abuse because he drove me away. How, exactly, is that your fault or mine? It isn't.
Realize that he does these things deliberately to hurt you, to use that emotion against you, and it gets a lot easier to shrug off. In my father's case, he wants some sign that he has the power to hurt me this way. That power, to him, means love. It's a sickness, one that threatens to infect me. I have no feelings of guilt whatsoever regarding my father. My stepmother used to play the same game. They can blame me all they want, but it starts with them. Remember it's all his doing and that you're doing the best thing you possibly can by avoiding him. Would it be better if you stayed around and fought back in self defense? Letting him leech off your emotions to feel better about himself? No way.
Pat yourself on the back for getting away from him. Bravo.
IsaacJ
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jgnat
I liked the film. I've read up on the real story, and his sons don't hold it against the father. For dramatic purposes, the movie aged the child. The boy was about three years old when it happened and only has vague memories of that time.
Gardner reaches out to many programs serving the homeless, donating time, assistance, and funds. Foremost among these are the Glide United Methodist Church in San Francisco and The Cara Program in Chicago. At Glide, Gardner assists with fundraising, donates clothes and shoes, and speaks at services and events. He is also involved in a plan to revitalize and provide new housing in the neighborhood around Glide. At Cara, which assists the homeless and at-risk populations in Chicago with comprehensive job training and placement, Gardner speaks at counseling sessions, assists with permanent job placement, and also donates clothing and shoes.
Gardner serves as a board member of the National Fatherhood Initiative, whose mission is to improve the well-being of children by increasing the proportion of children growing up with involved, responsible, and committed fathers. Gardner was the recipient of the group’s Father of the Year Award in 2002. -
unique1
I am sorry infamousone!! I don't know what to say. Hang in there.