by Sparkplug 63 Replies latest social family
Decki I don't know how you are doing this. I truly cannot do the same thing if my mom is ever in that position. I don't have the experience to give you advice, but I sure do want to pass along a great big hug. And keep doing the deep breathing and meditation, it really does help in highly stressful situations. You rock, chicky.
Sherry
Oh my (((Sparky))) geeeeeeee you need time for yourself ... hope you are well surrounded yourself ... I wish the situation will calm down a bit. It's really touching to see you want to do all those things for your mother (since you can) but think a bit about yourself - your mother have nurses now (if it helps to see her that often why not) but if not ... Truly I don't know what to say: but want to send you big hugsssssssss, take care ((((D)))).
Sparklet,
I'm in no position to give practical advice here - I've never been in your situation, and I hope that I never will be.
Having said that, it's obvious from the responses that there's a lot of members who do know exactly what they're talking about here, and who also hold you in high regard - enough regard to be able share their own pain. I'd listen to them.
All I can offer is my time if you need to unload on someone.
tim
x
Sweet Spark.
I have not a goddamned thing to say but I want to say something. Hugs and strength to you. You got it goin' on. I love that you have been able to forgive, that says more than you know.
Wow.
Sorry you are having to go through this. Sorry you had to go through any of it, really.
Love,
Baba.
Nina and Abandoned~Really? I keep hearing don't go back for a bit.
It depends on the person really, but from what you described I think a couple days would be good. If they can remember the house they lived in by themselves and now can't, they need a longer time. If they are slipping in and out of the present with regularity, they don't need as much time because they don't realize what's going on anyway.
Anyway, I wish you and your mom the best. There are definitely people who care a lot in that field. Some places are better than others and every place seems to have the requisite number of clock punchers, but that kind of industry attracts people who have empathy and love to help.
(((Sparky)))
Forget the flower for your mom, you need one more. Or at least to make sure you buy yourself one too whenever you get one from her. Maybe a drink before, during and after each visit would help also.
When I was training as a nurse, I did some time with the dementia patients. The agitation at change is very common. Changing the meds can make a huge difference with emphasis on the sedating ones, I'm guessing, for your mother. If one of your kids was throwing a tantrum and calling you names or swearing at you when they were little, you wouldn't take it personally or feel guilty, would you? You would just know they hadn't yet reached the level of cognitive development to cope with their frustration. Try to think of your mother the same way, only in reverse. It may help you deal with the guilt feelings.
When my mother in law put her incontinent husband who had alcoholic dementia and could barely walk, into a nursing home, for the first few months, every time she visited him, he would tell her that unless she was there to take him home, she could leave. He also threatened every time to escape and go to a lawyer and divorce her and take her for everything. Good thing he couldn't walk. Anyway, he finally did settle down. He actually does so many more activities in the home than he ever did before. The staff even have pictures of him caught in the act of having fun! When he was in his own house, he sat in a chair all day and stared out the window. That was it. Many seniors quality of life actually goes up when they enter a nursing home. So don't feel guilty. It is amazing how maniupulative even people with dementia can be.
As for you inheriting your mother's "crazy", here's a little tip to help you tell. "Crazy" people never ask the question, "Am I crazy?" They just assume they are normal and everyone else is nuts. So, I'm guessing your just fine. Take care of yourself.
Cog
((((((((((((((((((((((((( SPARK )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hon, I'm so sorry you're going through this!! I wish I could have some sage advice to offer............just warm support and sincere well wishes......
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Just checking in to see how you are doing honey! Now "crumples" where I wonder did that little phrase come from - hehe? Hope you got some rest eventually and letting you know I am thinking of you.
xx
((((Sparkplug)))) I've committed both my mom and my son, they both did crazy, and they both forgave me. My son, especially, went from full-blown hatred to gratefulness within 72 hours. "You know, the food in here is not half bad."
Shit. I don't know. Do I go back tomorrow? I think I am supposed to.
There's a few things I do to protect myself from crazy-hatred. When it is happening, I put my head down and let it flow over me, kind of pretending to be a teflon child. The words, the eyes, the hatred, goes in to a special box in my mind, rarely opened. The second thing I do is stay away until they want to see me. THEN I can pour out my love and encouragement. Take off a few weeks. Believe me, the schedule and the meds do wonders for new intakes.
The night I put my son in a secure ward, the nurse took my hand and told me, "You can sleep tonight, you know he is in a safe place." I cried for the first time, I'd had to be strong for so long. And she was so right. Gosh, I love nurses. Now I am crying again.
Separate out the "supposed-to-child" from "you-full-you". Before you do something for your mom, sit down and think through the impact on your soul. If deep in your heart you say, "I can't do this", then don't. This is part of the reform of a lifelong caretaker to learn to take care of herself. If your mom or your brother play the guilt-game. "A loving daughter would never..." "You should...", bring out that teflon box.
Sparkplug, you are doing the world a service by writing so eloquently the pain of a child with a crazy mom. Now, show us all how to stay strong and take care of yourself. Come on now, I know you can do it!
No, Sparky, you're never really prepared for this. It is so so hard to do. Look, call or PM me with the name of that nursing home -- I'm kind of curious and Lord knows I'm familiar with a lot of them in the area. The first one we put Mom in specialized in Alzheimer's so they were the ones who told us to stay away for a couple of weeks. "Regular" nursing homes may not be set up to think that way. But your mom needs to get settled into her new routine and it will actually be less upsetting to her if she doesn't get daily reminders of her old life. Let her get into her new life -- at least give her a whole week. Tell her you're going out of town on business or something for a few days and you'll see her when you get back.
It got to a point with Mom that, if she was agitated about me leaving her or if she wanted to come with me, I'd just tell her that I'd be back "later" -- she really didn't have a concept of the passing of time and the next time I saw her she'd be fine (especially if I brought a chocolate milkshake!).
You're doing fine, honey.
Hugs,
Nina
