My mom was Kidnapped By the FBI Today She told Me F@#$ OFF!! (page 3)

Odrade

Sparkplug, I totally second everything Frannie said, and would also suggest a review of ALL of her meds. It's very possible that she is having adverse reactions or bad drug interactions. My grandmother got kicked out of three hospitals and two nursing homes before she died. The stupid docs kept giving her a particular drug for pain that made her violent and paranoid. (Well, she was a little that way anyways, this made it exponentially worse.)

candidlynuts

hey sparkplug..hugs

i've never had to deal with the issues you're dealing with but someone i know has, and he told me when he had to put his mom in a home that he had to make himself emotionally step back, he said the person he knew was already dead , took care to make sure her physical needs were met and had others check on her in person for him to make sure her care was as it should be. she didnt know who came to see her at that point and when she yelled and screamed at people not close to her they didnt hurt like he would have. maybe you could let others (friends, other relatives etc) check on her and you step back and make sure you take care of yourself. no one thought less of him for doing that, he made sure she was cared for and like you he'd had a tumultuous relationship with his mom his whole life. after a few months he was strong enough to check on her himself on occasion. but until her death he had others checking on her most of the time.

Elsewhere

I know this is probably cold and course... but why do you care so much about someone who has been so horrible to you?

Frannie Banannie

would also suggest a review of ALL of her meds. It's very possible that she is having adverse reactions or bad drug interactions.

Yup! That, too. And make sure they're not OVER-medicating her, too. Thanks, Odrade! It happens alla time.

Frannie

hambeak

Sparky as you know I am also an RN that worked with the older folks in LTC

Ask the doctor for a psych consult and to prescribe some Marinol which is liquid cannabis and stops the aggressive behavior and the EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL IN ITS OWN WAY as the song says.

Marinol does help believe it or not.

Right now your mom is angry and depressed and in unfamiliar surroundings and a period of adjustment is taking place. A lot of these folks respond by attacking those closest to them. Do not take it personally as you mom is not herself. She is suffering from a psychotic episode of paranoia, the fear of poisoning and being restrained in an institutional environment.

OUTLAW

Sparky..Take a break..Let the hospital handle your mom..Or.. You`ll end up in a bed next to her..LOL!!...OUTLAW

JWdaughter

Sparky, when you're going through hell, keep on going. . .right now you need to take care of yourself and your kid(s). You have done all you could for your mom, and the reason she is in the home is because it was coming to this, she isn't like this because you put her there, it was inevitable.

You haven't had a mom to love you properly, so you need to love yourself properly. Right now, she doesn't care if you live there or if you only see her once a week/month. It makes no never mind to her. Remember that as you are guilting out. Don't guilt out. You are doing the right thing, but you don't have to have the scab ripped off daily. Give it time to heal over a little -and it will not be so easily ripped off the next time. we love you. Take care.

Shelly

Hortensia

Frannie gave good advice. Adults who have to take care of parents who rejected them, or abused them, or neglected them, or oppressed them, have a hard time with their feelings - I know because I've been there. Take the high road - continue to care for her - but if you can't take visiting her, don't go very often. Make sure she is safe and cared for and fed. Also, I used to work in a nursing home, in several in fact, and patients eventually calm down and get used to a routine. Visits from family can sometimes set them off, that's just the way it goes. If they are aware and in the nursing home because their medical needs are greater than the family can handle, they appreciate frequent visits. If they have dementia or Alzheimer's, you can't always tell how they will react, and however they react, it isn't the real person anyway. They can say hurtful things - you have to just let it go and understand it's the change in the brain that is driving how they talk. You can't just abandon her, you have to check on her welfare, but don't let guilt over your feelings push you into going more often than reasonable.

OnTheWayOut

Dont go back for at least a couple weeks.

Sounds like you need to take a couple days off

Sorry to hear about this ordeal. She won't be kinder if you visit everyday, so take some
time for yourself.

Sparkplug

I know this is probably cold and course... but why do you care so much about someone who has been so horrible to you?

Ok, Elsewhere...you did it. You got me to wake up...Actually; I just got off the phone with my brother who is on a business trip and popped in to read the thread and was going to watch heroes. Basically, because I realize and have painfully realized as I stared at her crazy as a loon yesterday and today, that she has been crazy this whole time. Just a step away from the fine line where she breaks. It is kind of like hating a retarded person. Why? They don't know better, they are doing the best they can do.

Don't think that this is some answer that has come easy to me and it has taken most of my life to figure this out. If you had ever in the past said to me (and people have) that I would care so much some day, I would have laughed, been rude, cold, callous and quite disrespectful and someone you probably would be ashamed to know. But these last 5 or so years having had her here I was doubtful I could do what I originally intended to do. That was taking care of my mom even though she had not taken care of me. I was doing it at first to be a better person than her. Perhaps to say I was a good person and prove it to myself. Maybe pay for the guilt I had for hating my mother so?....I am not sure, but I thought if I i did this maybe nobody could say I was a bad kid. You know being the youngest of 7 and disfellowshipped and in and out of trouble, I never could own up. I think in my head a bit I may have been trying to do something for once that my "perfect sisters could not do". Even if it killed me. I did it quite reluctantly and very resentful.
It is bad to say I thought that she would die soon and there, I would have proved myself and it would be done.

That is the very bad shit right there.

I hid from her, I stopped eating, I could not sit through a conversation without throwing something about witnesses and molesters, rape, childhood trauma, birthday cake and all of the rest of everything that had ever hurt me. I threw it out at her about how could she let me leave home at 14 and how she left me to flounder.......Somehow, I thought this token service would fix the problems I had because of her and I would suddenly be a good person.

When she went after a year or so of staying with me to stay at my brothers, I was so relieved. I felt bad and tried to hide my face because I was so happy she was not here. He took her to so many appointments and dealt with all her crap and made up illnesses and her terrible crazy illnesses and annoying ways and bad taste in everything. Pretty much she always seemed to look like a bag lady no matter what she did. He kept her going to the JW Hall and then Piped in the JW stuff over the phone and did all the nice things I would have just as soon blown up and I was so happy she was not here and if I let the kids go make popcorn with her and him and spend some time, I felt like I was still helping for it helped her and contact with loved ones and family is what a person in her condition needs to keep sane.

The last year or so, I stopped cracking such harsh jokes and learned to stop and remember to do things for her that she might like. Mind you, not on any scale that I feel I should have, but once every other month, I may have gotten her a small burger or a flower...something dumb that I know she would like even if giving her food raised issues with me and my childhood issues and her.....I just learned to accept who she is and that she is a human and really just now is an old lady. She was not harming anyone and has not been that mean person of my youth for a very long time.

These last few months, well that is a bit different. I have found myself fully realizing that she could not help herself for a lot of what she did. Once I got past the hurt and the effects my youth had on me and just looked at her as a person and thought about it, the anger left. It feels SO good. SODAMN GOOD to forgive. To actually worry about her in a good way and not be so proud that I am going to hate her just because I always have as a pattern, well, that feels good to let it go. To drop that damn weight off my shoulders and forgive her is so refreshing.

Now seeing her Sunday Night talking of FBI and CIA and murders and crazy stuff, there is no denying she IS CRAZY...GONE...And yet seeing HER in the same breath turn into the woman that caused me so many problems when I was 5 or 6 hell all of my youth, I realized that in those few seconds between the FBI and THE CIA...to the venom and angry lady of my youth, there really was no shift in the amount of crazy.

Now I am not a huge believer in God, but I do think and ponder and sometimes wish I could find a faith and sometimes I see things and cannot help but think it is damn nice that right then, or right now at this time in my life I have been able to comprehend what I just comprehended.....
That was one of these moments.

I am not sure if I am making sense or not, but seeing the transition, seamless, from undeniably crazy to just venom lady, made me see...it is all crazy. And as a youth I could not see how her having a mental problem was really a problem. It was not like a person in a wheelchair where I could see her legs are missing or that she had impairment. It made it hard to believe it was really there. Hard to forgive in my mind. But when I saw how easy those two crazies intertwined, I realized that she truly has been gone this whole time.

Now I am sure this has given me a whole other book of issues I need to calm down in my head and put into perspective. For now though, I just see that it is important that I don't hate and carry on a legacy of crazy. My kids have had a chance to know a grandma that although a bit off was more gentle with them than she ever was with me and they can giggle at things she has done. My youngest really loves her. I never had a grandparent and I am glad they can see that. It is important.

I am glad that I have some answers I never have had. I know I am not a bad person and never have been. I could tell myself all day long, but it used to be that somewhere in there I still felt I was. Now, I see that truly I was living up to unreal expectations set by a crazy religion, carried to the WAY extreme by a CRAZY woman and done with the stern and unwavering hand of it being an extreme single parent with a chip on her shoulder, who despite her best attempts never did fit in the congregations. THIS led to us as kids not fitting in. Or should I say mainly me. I never could kiss butt like my sisters and I always was very firm in my convictions of hypocrisy and what is good or bad. I saw these things young but I did not know what they were and I never knew when to just shut up. (Probably like now). So I now see that all the things I felt were normal, and I don’t need absolved of anything and despite how it happened to start, I have done the right thing.

Even more so, somewhere in here I have found a bit of my heart and a lot of therapy without paying huge psych bills. I know I joke a lot and say ridiculous things and often this leads to people sending responses and I may wonder why someone would say that. Truly when I think on it I can figure out why. I wound off. Really though it is a defense mechanism. I tend to laugh the hardest when things are the worst. I make the most inappropriate jokes at the worst times. It is that or go mad. Perhaps crazy. You know, I bet that is why people always thought I was such a happy and out of control extreme fun loving kid...prone to getting wild...actually it was just a very shy kid trying not to go crazy and break.

So Elsewhere. I care now because it is resolved. Because she did birth me. Because she can't help herself and if she could have, I am sure she would have done better. I did learn to love others from her, and on good days she had the biggest heart. I worry and care because the day before yesterday she was as innocent as a child and all her little mind could hold onto was her poodle and some birds. Just small stuff. She likes flowers and when someone brought me flowers the other day; she asked if she could have them. It was so cute. She likes a burger every Friday and if you poke on the nose with your finger she wrinkles her face like a 2 year old. Because she will grow a yard of dandelions to keep my sons bearded dragon well fed and make me pick them all when I would just as soon roast that damn lizard.

She likes mysteries and crime shows and stolen birthday cake. She can watch the animal channel for hours and despite being crazy as a loon the last month still has the wits about her to remember I can never wake up. See? I worry about her even though I had a messed up childhood because I will get old and I hope that my kids will forgive me for everything I missed in my parenting skills and I hope that they will see that we all do the best we have with what we have and we all have different capabilities. Sometimes we are capable than more than our parents and maybe, they will be more capable than I. I want them to come visit me if I get locked up and stuck in a f***ed up place like that. I want them to keep trying to go back if I have a bad day and not forget me. I want them to remember I like flowers.

My mom was Kidnapped By the FBI Today She told Me F@#$ OFF!!

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