My aunt passed away recently from vascular dementia. Seems like all the women on my dad's side get it, so I will probably die from it if I live that long. My aunt went through paranoia and delusion spells, but it was the loss of her memories and personality that was the hardest to see. She endured this for about five years, her own aunt lingered on for 15 years in a vegetative state.
My mom was Kidnapped By the FBI Today She told Me F@#$ OFF!!
by Sparkplug 63 Replies latest social family
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cruzanheart
Sparky, when we put my mom in the nursing home, the staff told us to NOT visit her at all for TWO WEEKS. The reasoning behind this was so that she would settle in and, to put it bluntly, forget her old routine and get used to the new one. They said it would be easier on her that way. And it worked. It was extremely hard for us to do, and she was still a little restless for a while but by and large she settled in well and finally dropped her anger and relaxed.
That's what I would suggest you do. Keep in touch with the nursing home and make sure everything is going well, but tell the nursing staff what you intend to do and why. They should understand and support you.
Lots and lots of hugs,
Nina
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Abandoned
Sparky,
Having seen the other side of these drop-offs for years, let me give you a bit of comfort.
If the memory loss is as extreme as you are mentioning, she probably isn't sad or lonely. She's going to turn the place into whatever she wants it to be in her mind. Staff and other regular people may become people she remembers from her past.
Where it's the hardes is when the memory loss is just starting. If they are still in denial or even before that stage, they can be quite frustrated having to stay at a place like that. But, once the memory loss gets to the point to where they can no longer hide it, they ironically are more comfortable in that type of setting.
In the case of someone who doesn't seem to want to be left in the facility, I've found it better if family doesn't show up for the first couple days. It's going to be tough anyway, but it helps the person acclimate. Once the place becomes familiar, then a visit doesn't bring out as strong of emotional outburst of wanting to leave and being abandoned and such. Still, from what you describe, it seems like your mom is beyond that point anyway.
So, I laud you finding care for your mom. Don't take on the guilt though. Don't do it. You don't deserve it at all. People with years of training have trouble taking care of their own family members in these situations. It's extremely tough to deal with. ((((((((((Sparky))))))))))
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What-A-Coincidence
Sparky - you have a pm
I lived through some of what your mom lived through...personally. I don't wish this upon my worst enemies. God, not even the GB
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Frannie Banannie
Sparky, all parents do the best they can do for their children with what their own life experiences have taught them, be it good, bad or indifferent for their children. I know you've come to realize this. You've come a long way, chere. Hugs to you, sweetie!
Frannie
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Sparkplug
JunctionGuy, Thank you for reading...sometimes I wonder how people make it through all my A. D. D. Rants.
James Thomas~ I read what you wrote and immediately did some deep breathing and tried to center myself. I calmed down a lot. Your words as usual aimed straight to my center and made me pay attention. You are like a cup of hot jasmine tea. Right on time. Crumples~"shameless crumpy hug" most appreciated and I am still hugging on. GGBG~ I think you would cope just fine. Rant it out..Cry it out~ Recenter...Go back for more for you are a strong woman and I am so proud of you. Kid-A~ I think I am taking your advice on a couple days off. Or at least one. My moms doctor recomended it and I know I could use it. But to make it legal, I may go check on this mess of hives I broke out with and just do a 5 minute drop in like this book I am reading suggest. Nothing to stress me out, perhaps just reassuring her I will be back like a baby throwing a temper tantrum. I am a bit undecided. Maybe I should finish the chapter before I decide. atypical~I think I am going to do a bit of that self preservation tomorrow. I will go crazy if I keep up this pace. No funny things intended in that statement. Nosferatu~ Did you hug your lil one yet? You got to hold the ones you love and look past all the stupid they try to hold over you. fortunate for me there always was nothing. Nothing to hold over me, no inheritance. Nothing to be attached to. Nothing to lose. makes it a bit easier that way. So I don't really understand that part, I always just knew if I want something I am going to have to work for it on my own. BUT..I do know anger. And I do hope for you and your immediate loved ones sake you find a way through them. Parents can hurt so deep. (See my post on the next page.) Somehow knowing anyone is under the mindset of the JW's makes it a lot easier for me to understand that their whole mindset is twisted. In fact I wrote a friend today a bit I had been pondering from Voltaire, that in bits and pieces reads, "As soon as one faculty of your soul has been dominated, other faculties will follow as well. And from this derives all those crimes of religion which have overrun the world. ...Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities...Let us read, and let us dance; these two amusements will never do any harm to the world." I found these peices on the web and I thought of them today as I thought on how twisted this religion has made my moms mind and how if indeed her mind was twisted in a little then it was twisted in a lot. I had another reason of thinking while looking these up, but found many uses for them today..Kind of like a daily text...lol EEKS PEC~ My thoughts exactly when it comes to the kids. I decided they are not going unless she calms down. They do not need to be her stablizing force. Found-My-Way~Ah I already have a one day plan for my hug from you. It starts with PJ's and a movie recomended by my big brother and rest ordered by the doc.... Mia_B~ I am gonna give the relaxong a darn good shot for at least a good portion of the day. I will attempt it..lol Not saying how easy it will be. XJW4EVR~Thank you for your thought. Somehow coming from someone who knew of me a bit back when...it makes me feel a bit better. You know my big brother used to hang a bit with your group of friends and you would be proud that he is the one that really has stepped up and has carried the bulk of the load. He still is a freaking slave driver, but he has gotten stuff done. Too bad he still is in the borg even if it only is in name. Free2think~ahh nuther hugg much needed. thanks hon. freedomlover~I would say I would call it manipulation if she really got what she was doing...I cant see her talking of murder and poision in one sentence and then with full brainpower trying to manipulate me. I just think she is lost to us now. I feel bad for her. I kind of hope she does not get back to concience. I think she might not be able to deal with how she has been if she knew..but who know...she has not been far from it for most my life. Maybe I am thinking I could not deal with her "sane" and able to deal with it with ease. I am not sure what I am thinking on that one. LisaBObeesa~Check and got it! (((((huggs bachacha))) Restrangled~ You of all people amaze me also with all that you are going through. Happydad~ I think Hambeak may fight you for the adopted dad position...but being without even one for all my life, I could use a ton of them...as long as you don't ecpect me to pay a lot of attention to anybody. I am quite the unruly and undiciplined child. But I do like huggs. (Spoiled brat that I am) You all are too good to me. -
Sparkplug
and would also suggest a review of ALL of her meds. It's very possible that she is having adverse reactions or bad drug interactions
We took her for a test on this on Friday. They feel she is completely on adequate levels. they even lowered levels of some, but they were very small and unrelated meds that basically should have no change on her mental state. Candidlynuts and Frannie~ I know when my brother gets back at the end of the week, we will rotate times to go see her. That will take some off of me. Hambeak~ Do I have to give THOSE meds to her? Can't I just keep 'em for myself. Maybe if I just say I am related they will give me some? And ummm...I am reading that book and totally see her applecart is upset. She has no idea what is going on. She is just upset. Really upset and displaced. Misses her dog and her home. Ah Shelly~ even with just an hour an a half nap I feel so much calmer. A taco or two later and I can reason a lot better. Hortensia~I am not so much hurt as I was shock and not prepared. I should have paid attention and called Cruzenheart when she said to call a week back. But she just deteriorated so fast. Maybe I should have not had drinks saturday night and perhaps if talking to Nina ...I may have been prepared by Sunay. I had no clue EVIL WOMAN was coming to town. WOW. I will be better prepared next time. On the Way out~ You have a point there. I don't see her getting better by tomorrow. -
HAL9000
Sparkie,
Frannie and the other have given you some real good advice. The effect of any change (accomodation, health, etc etc etc) is incredible on people with dementia - and it often seems to cause a permanent downward change in their condition. The picture that you have painted says that you really hurt, but please don't react by turning around and taking her out - it really won't help the situation. My wife has been through similar confronting issues with her mother and has had been inflicted with the kind of emotional barrage that you have been through (she has issues with her mother and has not forgiven her). The behaviour that you describe may settle down but medication is most important, both from an adverse reaction and an efficacy point of view.
Perhaps now is the time for you to be able to focus on other important things in your life. Your mother is in care - take advice from those who can give good advice (professionally), and try to do what's best for her.
I really feel for you in what you are going through........but your inner strength really does shine through!!
h9k
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Sparkplug
vascular dementia
Leolia! That is exactly what they told me she had. I could not remember to save my life my mind was so blown earlier. Oh my...I SOOO feel for you. And Don't say that. Because Not everything hit all of us. So I keep saying. If I think like that, boy, then it will not be a long jump. And you my dear...are far too sound to get to that point quickly at least. ok...so no crazy today. Lets just call it all colorful artistic flair. Shall we. Now pass the esspresso!
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Sparkplug
Nina and Abandoned~Really? I keep hearing don't go back for a bit. Then the staff keeps saying it is good to go to reassure her that we did not just dump her. And the book I am reading sayd the same, but you all have working experience. I do know she surely was aggitated today. I am thinking I will skip a day and seeing my brother should have a day stop in before he leaves out again...I may just let him go and get the "Wrath of MOM" this time. I might just do the PJ's and rest day before tackling back to work thing. It sounds really good.