My mom was Kidnapped By the FBI Today She told Me F@#$ OFF!!

by Sparkplug 63 Replies latest social family

• 

  Sparkplug

  So Friday my brother and I found a nursing home for my mom to stay at. It was a very hard thing to do. He had me go hunting. I checked to see which smelled which did not. I looked to see if patients were bruised and if the place had light, were the patients happy? Did the staff pay attention to them?

  Well basically my mom was so confused she really did not understand where she was going and it seemed OK that she was there. My brother and I cried after we were out the door and wondered if we did the right thing. I happened to say, "At least she is a happy crazy, Right?"

  Wrong.

  Last night I went to see her with my daughter in tow. Gonna see grandma. DO DO DO... It was pure hell. She was trying to bust out of the place. She swears her roommate was murdered. There is a conspiracy. She needs to call the FBI, CIA, State Troopers, She grabbed my daughter and told her to run hide in the mountains. If they try to feed her, don't eat it. It is poision. I removed my daughter from the situation. Suddenly this woman who could not walk Friday had OOBER strength and stood up and was ready to box. All the freaking venom and fire I saw as a youth was back and I shrank. I did not know what to do. I kept thinking...you are an adult. You know what you have to do. Now what is it?

  She told me that she wanted her son......he is out of town on a trip this week. She wants to get out of here. They are holding her against her will. It was a bloody nightmare. I held her and reassured her that the nurses would care for her, and that she has to take her meds. She had refused to eat and take her meds which I am sure did not help the situation. So despite my best efforts neither happened.

  So I got her at least calm and promised to come see her before they killed her tomorrow.

  So today I checked with her doctors to see if she is in the right place for care like this. She has never been at this state before and even though ranting, she sounded so reasonable, I realized...she has been this crazy all of my life. Just a hop away. No wonder I get so f@$@#$ed up. She is crazy. Do I have all this crazy as my mother figure in my head? Am I this crazy by just the being raised by her. Well mostly she was gone, but I came home and cried last night and hardly slept at all and went today with flowers and a bit of chocolate to bribe her with..(she always liked sweets) I thought maybe some familiar would help her ease into this life a bit.

  When I saw her, she first off gave me a look of hate, asked me why I put her in an asylum...and not knowing what to do, I told her I brought her flowers. She told me to shove them in my ass and f*** off. I am dead to her. She does not want to see me.

  I figure this is nothing new. I have been dead to her since first being DF'ed at 18yrs old and out of the home since 14. That was 20 years ago.

  I took her flowers to the room sucking up the tears.

  Walked to the car and sucked up a few more. Trying to remember she is crazy and tomorrow a martian may come and bring Elvis back. She might even start doing impersonations of happy critters and it could be fun. Things could change on a dime. I also had to wonder why all old people get fixated on the FBI? Plus, I have to say she used the word f*** yesterday and today and that is a record. Where are all thos JW friends now seeing she was so faithful for 35 years and has lost all of her children basically due to her extreme witness beliefs. Wonder if they know she know the "F" word..hehe. I don't know. Suck up a few more tears...NOW Focus. Don't wreck. Drive, be alert when you drive. Focus. Don't cry.

  I just know I have broken out in hives, and I am afraid to ask the doc for a freaking fast acting stress aide for fear he thinks I am crazy too. I have not slept well, I am tired and should be hungry. Beer is not such a good stable food. The kids will want dinner soon and I sure could use a huge hug that last for days.

  So......

  Shit. I don't know.

  Do I go back tomorrow?

  I think I am supposed to.
• 

  Junction-Guy

  Sparkplug, i have been reading your posts about your Mom, all I can really say is that Im sorry you are having to go through this. i dont know much else to say but sorry, and I offer you my encouragement to be able to pull through this, and to give your Mom the best care she can get.
  
  
  
  
• 

  JamesThomas

  Sparky,

  What a nightmare.

  It may be best for you to stay away from her for awhile.

  I suggest -- if you can -- spending some quit time alone. Be still and just silently feel what it is to breath and be alive without giving attention to all the thoughts running through your head.

  Throughout the day come into the moment and return to just feeling the air move through your nose and the feelings in the body as the chest expands and life moves slowly through it.

  It's important to be aware of a deeper reality that is not lost in all the drama; a sanctuary that you carry with you, no matter how trying the times may be.

  Good luck to you, dear.

  j
• 

  Crumpet

  Oh sparklet honey come to mommy! I will give you a big shameless crumpy hug!

  I kept thinking...you are an adult. You know what you have to do. Now what is it?

  Dont expect yourself to know what to do - you are just getting the hang of it! Give yourself credit for getting her there in the first place and going to visit when it sounded exhausting emotionally.

  Dont just have beer. tell the kids you need hugs - although I am guessing a big manly one is prolly what you could do with right now...I'm quite manly and have broad shoulders for tears too! lol!

  My friend's mum has alzheimers and it is just draining for her but she goes without fail every sunday even though it is torture and her mother never got on with her before she went crazy just like you.

  Be proud that you are setting an excellent example for your kids! And whilst your mother may be too crazy to be proud of you - well we are proud of you and to know you.
• 

  Good Girl or Bad Girl?

  Aww, Spark, I don't know what to say. I've been reading your threads/posts about this topic as well. I don't know how I would cope. Just do the best you can. Don't believe the negative things your mom tells you. She is clearly dealing with her own issues. It doesn't really have a lot to do with you, I don't think, except you are in the line of fire. Since you are so sweet and caring you put yourself out for your mom. Even though she hasn't been a mom to you for a very very long time.

  Just remember how awesome you are and how much people love you and ... I don't know. That has got to be the hardest thing to deal with. She is your mom. I'm just sorry and I wanted you to know I read what you write and I think of you often and I just want you to be happy and OK and not deal with such shit all the time.
• 

  kid-A

  Dont go back for at least a couple weeks. Sounds like you need to take a couple days off, somewhere away from this context and just decompress before you reach a breaking point.

  I cant imagine anything worse or more stressful than having to deal with a person with dementia, completely out of touch with reality. It must be even worse given that you had a bad relationship to begin with. It may be time to slowly start cutting the strings, as the person you once knew and perhaps may have had some reconciliation with, is probably long gone.

  Good luck, Sparky.
• 

  atypical

  I'm sorry, Sparkplug. I am going through this on a smaller scale with my grandmother. Just try to separate what you feel is your duty as a daughter from how your mother treats you. I know that sounds simplistic, but there is no possible revenge on a person who is at this point. Life has dealt the cruelest blow that she could ever feel, and as unsatisfying as it may be, she may never admit she was or is wrong. You have to worry about your own life and sanity, and ironically, part of that may entail figuring out what you truly feel your obligation to her is. Keep yourself ok first, then do what you feel you need to do for her. Think about what you can live with later - and then realize that you have the right to preserve yourself so that you can.
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  Sparky, I've taken care of Alzheimer's patients before, some on a long-term basis. From all you've said about your mother's symptoms/behavior and especially her behavior now that she's in a nursing home, I can see that your Mom is displaying full-blown symptoms of Alzheimer's. You've done the very best thing under the circumstances. Typical of Alzheimer's patients is that any change in environment or routine is traumatizing, no matter that the change to a nursing home is essential to your Mom's safety and future comfort and the family's sanity, and the trauma to them always results in bizarre behavioral episodes. Also, realize that the nursing staff will see to it that your Mom gets the meds she needs to calm her down, even if they have to give them to her intravenously.

  You might want to bone up on the drastic personality changes and paranoia that accompany Alzheimer's by getting hold of a book, entitled "The 36-Hour Day." http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0446610410/bookstorenow57-20 I've read it myself and you'll be amazed at what you see in it that parallels your Mom's symptoms.

  If it were me, I'd talk to her doctor and make sure they are doing something to calm her down, though I'm sure they will, so they can handle her and so she won't harm herself or another patient. Also, before going back to visit, I'd call and find out her condition, whether she's still stirred up or whether she's calmed down. I wouldn't take a child to see her until she's in a much calmer state of mind.

  Also, after she calms down, you might consider taking her some personal things (decor/pictures) that she loves, so she'll have something familiar with which to identify.

  Hugs,

  Frannie
• 

  Nosferatu

  If I was anywhere close to you, you'd get a long-ass hug from me. We could both wallow in our parents' shit for a while and complain about how bad it smells and how much we hate it. We'd know we're both stuck in it, and getting out is a slow process. Getting rid of the lingering smell is harder. It lingers for what seems to be forever.

  Do I have all this crazy as my mother figure in my head?

  I used to ask myself the same thing. It wouldn't help that my mother would reinforce doubts. "You don't remember that! It never happened!" When you're told something enough times, you'll start to believe it. Yeah, my mother never beat me, she was a kind loving mother who raised me good with bible principles. Then I wake up and realize how much of a lie that is, and remember all the garbage I was put through.

  Sorry Sparky, I'm on a bit of a rant too. I'll let you have your thread back. Take some time away from your mother and focus on your own family. She's finished raising you. That was her job when she decided to have children. Now you're an adult and you need to raise your own kids. You don't need the extra burden of your mother.

  Oh yeah, and I would look for a home that DOES abuse their patients. Luckily, my wife worked in some of those homes and knows the worst ones. Mom will have her day.

  Sorry, I'll shut up now.
• 

  PEC

  (((((((Sparkplug))))))

  You know, she is just pushing your buttons, don't let it happen. You should not feel guilty, you did the right thing. Don't visit her, if you can't handle it, wait until your brother is back. Don't under circumstances take the kids until, you know she will not act up. You don't want her to F**k them up. Good luck.

  Philip