confusa:
You've done nothing wrong, and everything right, by questioning and doubting the JW organization. You already know that to be as dumb as an ass is not the way to go. Even the Society knows very well that what you're doing is right and proper. Here is some food for thought:
I'm sure you'll agree that a reasonable God would want his intelligent creatures to exercise the thinking abilities he gave them. Sometimes the Society gives lip service to this, especially when it suits a particular argument they want to advance. From the April 1, 1988, Watchtower, page 30:
Jehovah does not expect us to show blind credulity. He does not want from us the kind of obedience that a trainer gets from a beast with a bridle or a whip. That is why he told David: "Do not make yourselves like a horse or mule without understanding, whose spiritedness is to be curbed even by bridle or halter." (Psalm 32:9) Rather, Jehovah has endowed us with thinking ability and discernment so that, based on understanding, we can choose to obey him.
In Japanese, the word kiku (to hear) includes the meaning not only of listening and obeying but also of judging whether a thing is good or bad. When someone speaks to us, it is good to listen in this sense so that when obeying, we do so not by mere credulity but by choice.
But notice the contrast between what is said and what is really expected. Although it makes statements such as the above, the Society really wants people to practice what was stated by the religious philosopher St. Anselm (1033-1109):
I must believe in order that I may understand.
The approach stated by another religious philosopher, Peter Abelard (1079-1142), is more in line with Psalm 32:9:
I must understand in order that I may believe.
By doubting we come to questioning and by questioning we may perceive the truth. The Truth book, on page 13, applied this to religion:
We need to examine, not only what we personally believe, but also what is taught by any religious organization with which we may be associated. Are its teachings in full harmony with God's Word, or are they based on the traditions of men? If we are lovers of the truth, there is nothing to fear from such an examination. It should be the sincere desire of every one of us to learn what God's will is for us, and then to do it.
If one believes these words, one should not fear to examine ideas that may conflict with what the Society says on any matter. A red flag should go up when one hears words like these:
When we talk about law, we talk about organization. With all our hearts we need to search after that law. Jehovah doesn't give individuals interpretation (of the scriptures). We need a guide, and that is the `faithful and discreet slave'. We should not be getting together in a clique to discuss views contrary to the `faithful and discreet slave'. We must recognize the source of our instruction. We must be like an ass, be humble, and stay in the manger; and we won't get any poison. [Governing Body member Lloyd Barry, May 29, 1980, in addressing the elders of the Bethel family]
If you have a tendency towards `apostasy', get a hobby and keep yourself busy to keep your mind off of it. Stay away from deep Bible study to determine meanings of the scriptures. [Governing Body member Karl Klein, April 30, 1980, in addressing the Bethel family]
Do these words not directly contradict Jehovah's thoughts expressed in Psalm 32:9? Do they not contradict the spirit of Jehovah, who says to search in his Word to acquire understanding? When there is a conflict, who should one listen to -- Jehovah or the Governing Body? As Joshua said, "As for me and my household, we shall serve Jehovah."
No one should want to be included among those described by the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre as ones who, "since they are afraid of reasoning.... want to adopt a mode of life in which reasoning and research play but a subordinate role, in which one never seeks but that which one has already found."
Karl Klein said to "stay away from deep Bible study to determine meanings of the scriptures." This brings to mind a quotation from Orwell's novel Nineteen Eighty-Four:
He is too intelligent. He sees too clearly and speaks too plainly. The Party does not like such people.
Similarly, "Jehovah's organization" does not like people who think too clearly and speak too plainly.
: I wonder alot of times if this is a test.
The only test is what you yourself impose.
: That we are living in the last days, and the bible does states that many will fall.
The Bible is very clear that "the last days" began a few years after Jesus' death. Read some accounts of Peter's words, such as in Acts and 1 & 2 Peter. What that means for our day, some 2000 years later, is anyone's guess.
: I sometimes think I'm probably one of the fallen ones.
A common trap for someone in your position. Been there, done that. "This too shall pass."
: Sometimes I think that there is no excuse for me leaving, that I should know that the organization is imperfect and should have faith and be humble.
Like Karl Klein said? Be an ass and stay in the manger? You already know you can't do that.
AlanF
