After many years studying ancient history and being comfortable as a Taoist I'm starting to accept that Jesus the man might not have been such a bad bloke. After researching the history of the Jewish struggle against the Romans my Jesus has gone from a vague Paulian myth to a man I can respect and admire. An underground fighter against oppression. My Jesus is an early version of Jessie James, Ned Kelly, Yassar Arafat and the like. Your Jesus may have pretended to be a cowardly cross carrying wimp but mine would have swung that wood arround and taken a few Romans with him!
Yep, I believe Jesus the man actually existed and better still I made my Jesus to my own liking. So, after years of dithering about I can honestly say that I am now a true believer in Jesus. Here follows my first prayer since leaving Jehovah's Loony Tunes nearly 20years ago:
I am now a true believer in you.
All the best, your most humble servant, unclebruce amen.
PS: when do I get my super powers and stuff?
Warning for fellow true believers:
The Bible tells us that a true Christian is a snake handling, scorpion treading, fig withering, disease curing, mountain moving, poison drinking, God commanding, family hating, woman shushing, sex abstaining and morally perfect as God.
I've already done most of those things but there are many different types of Christians, many sects and denominations. In their pride and arrogance they all claim to be true believers. But it is important to make sure that we have the real thing because Jesus said that there would be many fakers.
Jesus warned us about false prophets and false Christians. When dealing with Christians it is important to ask them if they are 'true' Christians. If the answer is 'yes' then add some cyanide to their corn flakes, stick a scorpion down their trousers and chuck 'em a tiger snake (one can never be too careful).
Cheers, Poison Drinking Bruce.
Descriptions and signs of the true believer that Jesus himself set down:
And he called to him his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every disease and every infirmity. - Matt 10:1
And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; Mark 16:17 Can Handle Snakes And Drink Poison They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they will recover. - Mark 16:18 Can Walk Over Scorpions Behold, I have given you authority to tread upon serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing shall hurt you. - Luke 10:19 Must not Fornicate - 1st Corinthians 7:1-40 Must Hate Their Family If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. - Luke 14:26 Does Their Family Hate Them? Brother will deliver up brother to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death; and you will be hated by all for my name's sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved. - Matt 10:21-22 Be Perfect You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. - Matt 5:48 Keep Women Silent Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent. - 1st Timothy 2:11-12 Bend The Will Of God Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. - Matt 18:19 Can Move Mountains He said to them, "Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move hence to yonder place,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." - Matt 17:20 Can Wither Figs And seeing a fig tree by the wayside he went to it, and found nothing on it but leaves only. And he said to it, "May no fruit ever come from you again!" And the fig tree withered at once. When the disciples saw it they marvelled, saying "How did the fig tree wither at once?" And Jesus answered them, "Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and never doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' it will be done. And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith." - Matt 21:19-22