Email to my Dad on the UN / Prison Stories

by msil 96 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Prisca

  msil,

  words fail me to express the feelings I have in reading your experiences. I hope that you will one day have the internal peace that you long for.

  I once told you that my email was always open to you. It still is.
• 

  msil

  Scruffy

  He was a white mixed-breed. A stray castaway, just like me. He was mans best friend - for a little while at least.

  I worked on a rotating kitchen duty for a while. No one was ever allowed to be kept in the same work for long - no matter if you enjoyed it or not. One of the duties I had was garbage disposal. This involved pushing carts of garbage outside of the main area to where they could be picked up by the trucks. I was assigned this task for 3 weeks. (I was excited since it would mean I would be able to glimpse outside - see something new).

  I had an armed guard escort me in performing of this task. (He was a kind person and after I left we remained friends for a few years). as we go to the area there was a stray dog....still a puppy trying to scavenge some food for his hungry belly. He wagged his tail when he saw me and I smiled at him (sorry I am a tree hugger). I emptied the garbage into the outside disposal and started to push the bin back inside the gates. The dog ran up to me......and without letting the guard notice....I slipped the puppy inside of the bin I was pushing.

  Scruffy, was indeed that!!! I bathed him and got rid of some of the parasites who made his life miserable. I gave him some of my food at every meal....and his became healthy as a result. The guards, funnily enough, would all pat him and he would make them smile with his antics. He was a joy to all.

  One of the other brothers also had a dog....a female. As Scruffy grew he developed the instinct to do what all male dogs do....want female dogs!! We tried our best to keep them apart but on one occassion Scruffy and Mimi danced and were seen by one of those "taking the lead".

  "MSIL, come quick, it's Scruffy!!", called one of my cell mates. I ran down to the bathrooms. Scruffy lay bleeding from his castration...he was in a lot of pain.

  "We do it that way for all farm animals", said the brother with the knife in his hand. I lunged at him and I knocked him off his feet. His face was now bleeding fater than my poor dog's stomach. I kicked him in the ribs and by that time I was pulled off and escorted to solitary confinement (where I would spend the next week).

  I never saw Scruffy again. But about half an hour after the incident I did hear the gunshot that finally took my friend.
• 

  nelly136

  ((((((((msil))))))
  luv deb x
• 

  Kent

  Hi again, Msil.

  I can understand your feelings - about the whole issue - and about what happened to Scruffy. I had some dogs myself in my life - so I can understand. The big difference, of course, was that I wasn't in your situation.

  We should really do the same to the assholes responsible as they did to you and Scruffy. Not physically - but we should make them real famous.

  Take care my friend, and don't rush anything. Take your time, and be assured you can call me any time. It helps getting something off your chest, doesn't it?

  Maybe we can meet sometime. It would be a plessure!

  Your friend

  kent
• 

  neyank

  msil,
  Your story is certainly a sad one.
  Your courage is to be admired for sharing this part
  of your life with us.

  If there is one good thing that can come from your
  telling us of your experience it is this:

  Maybe some active JWs that are reading this will
  begin to question the WTS, realizing that this could
  happen to them.

  To have to go to prison for a man made orginizations teachings,
  only to have that teaching changed a few years later.
  Basically telling you: Thanks for going to prison for us but now
  we change our mind and your stand for our teaching was a waste
  of time and a waste of life.

  neyank
• 

  joelbear

  MSIL,

  What country are you from?

  Thanks

  Joel
• 

  msil

  Thanks for all the posts and emails of support (as well as all the hugs). I really appeciate all of you for your kindness.

  I will try and respond to some of the posts and questions.

  Bridgette, RedhorseWoman, slipnslidemaster, Nathan Natas and Hillary_Step
  thank you for the kind words. I have not had a response back from my Dad. Frankly, I am not sure I will. I have spoken with him and he and my Mom do not hold this against me at all. They continue to be as loving as ever.

  Mommy
  Yes sometimes it is not the easiest thing to understand when it comes to speaking with our families about the real truth. As many here know I have drifted over and find myself in the Agnostics. This means I have no "pleasing alternative" for them. Some might take the position that "truth is everything". While that is theoretically true it is not always emotionally or pragmatically true. Who wants to find themselves in their seventies having devoted most of a lifetime to building "your own world" - in which all your friends are JWs as well as your mental framework? Do we pull them out? Ok, now what? They have no friends and they are confused - probably unhappy. If they are happy I am content to leave them alone - especially if my answer cannot provide a workable alternative.

  Zev
  Thanks for the kind words. I know you have crosses of your own to bear and if I can ever make that load lighter please let me know.

  Pandora
  You wrote: "I fight back tears reading your words. We have all been through what WE call hell. But your words make many of us realize that our own hell is not nearly as bad as what you call your life. "

  Actually in one way I take issue with that. Please don’t take this the wrong way - it is not directed at you personally but it is conceptual. I have alluded to that in other posts. I call the issue "minimization". What you did was minimize your experience by way of comparison. Pandora, please don't do this. Your experiences are your reality. They are not minimal in comparison with anyone else’s. I know your comment was made with the best possible intent and I truly appreciate that; but using bad experiences such as mine to minimize anyone else’s will not truly enable someone else to say "I am being silly". Doing so will only make you feel worse in the long run. I respect whatever you might have been through, Pandora. Your experiences are what has shaped your current reality. If you minimize them you will effectively minimize your reality. You are every bit as important as anyone else as is your life experience.

  Actually I am not the epitome of strength. People who suffer senseless abuse require far more strength than I needed. When I underwent the experiences it was "for a reason". Having a purpose makes negative experiences much easier to deal with. Incrementally, when one believes the Creator of the universe has a vested interest its also easier. Now that the reasons I did it have been betrayed or a re no longer valid would make it infinitely harder if i had to do it again. You refer to this so well and I really appreciate the encouraging words. Don't mind the "waxing philosophical" - I have been known to enjoy the abstract and theoretical far more than I should have. My parents will be fine. I have other family who might not be in the future.

  California Sunshine
  Thanks for the kind words. I love your name. I don't know how deep the scars are.....I am sure they are there but I just do not trust a shrink inside my head. Education has been the way I have tried to combat this - although I have never completed high school I try to read everything I can ever get my hands on.

  Sieg's Wife
  Thanks. Leaving prison is a lot like leaving the Borg. You have date where you walk out......but mentally you stay in for years. I have not left the Borg yet.

  Tina
  I think if Simon ever runs a "hug count" on the forum you will be among the leaders for the most hugs dished out. I know you have also had a hard time, Tina and I respect the way you always so open - even if it gets you hurt sometimes. If more people did that we would be richer for it.

  Miner
  Yes.....I am angry too. I am angry at the double standard. In a way I feel like the Vietnam veterans who returned and felt betrayed and sold out. It would be easier if the society ADMITS to the wrong and APOLOGIZES for it. But I will wait and see. If they try to rationalize it away (because admitting you are wrong has consequences you don't like - legal and moral) I will be very angry.....my voice would have meant nothing if I had done differently.

  Andee
  Thanks for the kindness. Yeah, sometimes when I get stuck in traffic now I think back and I savor it. Enjoy your freedom it is precious.

  LoneWolf
  I am sorry your brothers and your family (everyone suffers not just the person who is incarcerated) have been betrayed by the actions of the organization. How many years of happiness did we sacrifice for what? How many others endured beatings and lost their lives – for what? Because “we are Jehovah’s Witnesses and we are neutral”!! We made that claim to all the world.

  Now when we do not want to “render Caesars things to Caesar” as we tell everyone else….we just fornicate with the Wild Beat. If the Bible is right, Jesus will say “get away from me you workers of lawlessness”; “you are from your father the devil ……when he speaks the lie he speaks according to his own disposition…..he is the father of the lie”.

  Does the society only look out for their “own disposition”? Or do they seek the truth they claim they do?

  Thanks for continuing to find the truth, LoneWolf.

  Outnfree
  Thanks for your sympathetic words. If my experience is encouraging I am pleased for that but please refer to what I wrote to Pandora. Your experience means equally as much.

  Ana
  You have been a friend to me from the first time I ever came to this forum. I know a few snippets of your story and our souls have touched – thank you for all you have shared with me in this way.

  Please don’t cry. You have so much to offer to the world. I thank you for sharing your soul with me – it means so much.

  April
  I have found so much encouragement in your posts. I would much rather go through what I did than endure what you had to. Your strength is an inspiration to me. You had no purpose to your suffering…. that’s much harder to endure.

  At the present time I have found peace in a temporary place of refuge. I am on shaky ground from the perspective of my long term future as I have family to consider (none of my close family do not even know I come here). I am sure the consequences will be dire for them and myself if it is ever discovered. But if that happens or if they try to hurt my family in any way at all I will fight back – the betrayal is not without a consequence.

  Prisca
  You were the first friend I made on this forum. You have continued to be until this day. Your story is sad, Prisca. I know that you seek happiness and fulfillment – I am sure they are in line for you.

  Nelly
  Thanks for making me laugh yesterday. I needed laughter and you pulled through for me. Your cheerful spirit always brings a smile to me.

  Neyank
  You and I totally agree. I have taken issue with the neutrality issue ever since alternate service became “new light”. Prior to that it was an automatic disassociation. I had friends who chose that course……they were not automatically admitted back after the “new light” came out. They were held out “for running ahead”.

  Only a select few are allowed to see the new light first. If someone else sees it first and acts accordingly they will be castaway. Perhaps my interpretation is all wrong.

  Joelbear
  Thanks for some of the kind words we have shared on other posts. I know your life has had many bumps in the road, Joel. For privacy reasons I cannot disclose the country this occurred in – I am sorry.
• 

  dungbeetle

  (((((((((((msil)))))))))))))

  Dungbeetle...so much dung, so little time...
• 

  bluesapphire

  MSIL, I just got back to this thread and read all your subsequent posts. I am with everyone else who wants to show you love and support. You must be of very strong character to be able to share these things with us. Take care (((((((MSIL))))))

  Kent, I agree with you about making some people "famous." They say everyone gets their three minutes of fame. But ultimately, MSIL needs to do what is the healthiest for himself. No matter what his decision is, he's already a hero in my book.
• 

  Undine

  ~msil~

  Your experiences are deeply touching.

  I remember the years of hearing
  the words from the platform "and some of our
  dear brothers even go to prison, making their
  stand for Jehovah..." And nothing more was ever
  said about any sort of intensity of life they
  were forced to endure while there.

  And so, we the "members" can file "our brothers
  in prison" into a very tidy little corner of our
  minds...and not think about it any more. PATHETIC!!!

  Reading your experiences/ordeals made me feel literally
  weak. I am so very sorry that you had to live through
  this. I would like to add one more heartfelt Thank You
  for sharing what you went through.

  Warmly,
  Undine