Simon...Thank you for having this site available...
Avishai and Lady Lee, and all others involved with care and treatment, keep up the good work
As the survivor of a sexual assault that occurred when I was 10 and a few years later under the guise of treatment help, I have always found it difficult to describe the fury of emotions and self-assessment that followed the crime. Even though I coped, my struggle is made insignificant with words. I felt worthless, helpless, and guilt blossomed inside and rooted into every nerve. By not having been able to fight them off my body, I told myself, I was therefore a wimp, and insignificant and horrid waste of a man. There was no one to tell. I didn’t cry, I didn’t laugh, and above all I didn’t feel, because feelings would build me into a raging maniac. I still remember the cold cement floors of a squalid hospital, lying naked and the smell of feces and urine, the torture and madness by others and the countless treatments that only made everything worse. I kept everyone away by hurting them, believing on some level that in this way I would ensure that no one would ever be close enough to hurt me again. No one had told me that an adult could harm a child. I wondered what else they hadn’t told me about life, what other lies would haunt me as I grew into adulthood.
When I finally turned to my family, I was told "you should not have gone down there" "Its all your fault". When I turned to the hospital people they laughed. It was like a scene out of "one flew over the cuckoos nest"
There is no quick recovery. Healing the crime may be the greatest challenge during a lifetime. Healing can drain a survivor of everything he ever learned about life, people and religion, and there is a tendency to become physically exhausted for months or longer. Everyone the victim knows becomes a stranger, except for his therapist and other survivors or maybe someone the victim loves and trusts. Maybe this is why so many men choose another way out. Will I choose another way out? Possibly. Will I continue to have the strength to keep fighting? Uncertain. Will the terror of loneliness be too much for me? Probably. Will this nightmare ever end? Never. But I am a survivor and most important, I am Loved.
What hurts today is the way in which society remains out of focus and seemingly uninterested in the sexual abuse of a boy. Religious orders, schools, doctors, social workers have had and may still have pedophiles among them. Religions hide their rotten souls behind closed doors and their interpretations of "the word"
And when caught, deny everything or say…"it’s a lie…its just all a lie. Our elders, priest and preachers wouldn’t do that. It’s much easier to believe a boy is reporting a false memory, because it makes the real world seem a bit safer if everything we say is a fantasy. It remains taboo for a boy to discuss what happened. Parents assume an apathetic role because they say, "It won’t happen to my son. It only happens to . . ." (fill in the blank). The evidence of denial grows as the communities build guarded gates and private schools, all in hopes of protecting their children from someone who fits society’s stereotype of a child molester.
No matter what we do, pedophiles are the only people who have cracked the system. Their crimes generally go undetected by the parents of their victims until the damage is done, and if offenders are caught, their sentences generally last no more than two years. Only pedophiles who murder a child receive enough press coverage to rally local input—just two out of 11,000 last year in Texas.
The case against Father Kos isn’t new to Dallas. This has fumed and smoldered for three years. There have been insensitive remarks made by people against the men who brought these charges, but their bravery has made it possible for more than a dozen other boys to step forward with similar charges against Kos. Dallas residents who feel these men are in it for the money, or glamour or a cheap thrill are the same people who believe that castration is going to stop a pedophile from molesting again.
What we need to create for our children is an environment that embraces a boy who has the courage to tell of his rape. We must believe him, and support him, and not make him responsible for holding the burden of the adult act. Being molested is not what a boy wants. Even though it is out of his control, he all too often is the only person who must pay.
This is my last writing on this subject…done…finished…..over…completed.
Most of you know that my time is short. I save my strength to breath and enjoy the best I can, one more sunrise, one more smile, one more hug. To my fellow survivors, I leave you with these few words. It can and it will get better. The demons hide in the dark and if you bring them forth into the sunlight they will start to dissapear. Its not an easy journey, but with love and determination, you can get better. We all have some burdens, some more that others. I have found in the 53 years since the unspeakable happened, that the unspeakable must be spoken about. You must have determination. and you must have self-love. Each day is a battle and a challenge.
I'd like to think that because of the past I have endured, I could bring something of value into someone elses life.
I wish to thank all of you for what you have shown me.
I wish you peace, happiness and healing.