My last dance

by TorturedSoul 14 Replies latest watchtower child-abuse

  • TorturedSoul

    Simon...Thank you for having this site available...

    Avishai and Lady Lee, and all others involved with care and treatment, keep up the good work

    As the survivor of a sexual assault that occurred when I was 10 and a few years later under the guise of treatment help, I have always found it difficult to describe the fury of emotions and self-assessment that followed the crime. Even though I coped, my struggle is made insignificant with words. I felt worthless, helpless, and guilt blossomed inside and rooted into every nerve. By not having been able to fight them off my body, I told myself, I was therefore a wimp, and insignificant and horrid waste of a man. There was no one to tell. I didn’t cry, I didn’t laugh, and above all I didn’t feel, because feelings would build me into a raging maniac. I still remember the cold cement floors of a squalid hospital, lying naked and the smell of feces and urine, the torture and madness by others and the countless treatments that only made everything worse. I kept everyone away by hurting them, believing on some level that in this way I would ensure that no one would ever be close enough to hurt me again. No one had told me that an adult could harm a child. I wondered what else they hadn’t told me about life, what other lies would haunt me as I grew into adulthood.

    When I finally turned to my family, I was told "you should not have gone down there" "Its all your fault". When I turned to the hospital people they laughed. It was like a scene out of "one flew over the cuckoos nest"

    There is no quick recovery. Healing the crime may be the greatest challenge during a lifetime. Healing can drain a survivor of everything he ever learned about life, people and religion, and there is a tendency to become physically exhausted for months or longer. Everyone the victim knows becomes a stranger, except for his therapist and other survivors or maybe someone the victim loves and trusts. Maybe this is why so many men choose another way out. Will I choose another way out? Possibly. Will I continue to have the strength to keep fighting? Uncertain. Will the terror of loneliness be too much for me? Probably. Will this nightmare ever end? Never. But I am a survivor and most important, I am Loved.

    What hurts today is the way in which society remains out of focus and seemingly uninterested in the sexual abuse of a boy. Religious orders, schools, doctors, social workers have had and may still have pedophiles among them. Religions hide their rotten souls behind closed doors and their interpretations of "the word"

    And when caught, deny everything or say…"it’s a lie…its just all a lie. Our elders, priest and preachers wouldn’t do that. It’s much easier to believe a boy is reporting a false memory, because it makes the real world seem a bit safer if everything we say is a fantasy. It remains taboo for a boy to discuss what happened. Parents assume an apathetic role because they say, "It won’t happen to my son. It only happens to . . ." (fill in the blank). The evidence of denial grows as the communities build guarded gates and private schools, all in hopes of protecting their children from someone who fits society’s stereotype of a child molester.

    No matter what we do, pedophiles are the only people who have cracked the system. Their crimes generally go undetected by the parents of their victims until the damage is done, and if offenders are caught, their sentences generally last no more than two years. Only pedophiles who murder a child receive enough press coverage to rally local input—just two out of 11,000 last year in Texas.

    The case against Father Kos isn’t new to Dallas. This has fumed and smoldered for three years. There have been insensitive remarks made by people against the men who brought these charges, but their bravery has made it possible for more than a dozen other boys to step forward with similar charges against Kos. Dallas residents who feel these men are in it for the money, or glamour or a cheap thrill are the same people who believe that castration is going to stop a pedophile from molesting again.

    What we need to create for our children is an environment that embraces a boy who has the courage to tell of his rape. We must believe him, and support him, and not make him responsible for holding the burden of the adult act. Being molested is not what a boy wants. Even though it is out of his control, he all too often is the only person who must pay.

    This is my last writing on this subject…done…finished…..over…completed.
    Most of you know that my time is short. I save my strength to breath and enjoy the best I can, one more sunrise, one more smile, one more hug. To my fellow survivors, I leave you with these few words. It can and it will get better. The demons hide in the dark and if you bring them forth into the sunlight they will start to dissapear. Its not an easy journey, but with love and determination, you can get better. We all have some burdens, some more that others. I have found in the 53 years since the unspeakable happened, that the unspeakable must be spoken about. You must have determination. and you must have self-love. Each day is a battle and a challenge.
    I'd like to think that because of the past I have endured, I could bring something of value into someone elses life.
    I wish to thank all of you for what you have shown me.
    I wish you peace, happiness and healing.


  • SixofNine
    I'd like to think that because of the past I have endured, I could bring something of value into someone elses life.

    I just went back and read some of your posting history. With what you've written, and what you've done with your life, it sounds to me like you have. ((((tortured soul))) peace to you.

  • SheilaM


    I am sorry that the rape happened but even more so that you were blamed. A child is an innocent in a jaded world and should be protected at all cost. I always wondered about instances that happend in my family and how they were handled.

    My eldest sister was on a camping trip and a family friend try to molest her she ran out terriified. In all the years this story was told it was only that my sister was stupid enough to run out of a tent and almost run into my father chopping wood. Recently this man's daughter (who he had molested) called and told my sister that her Father wanted all our phone numbers WTF. My sister finally stood up for herself after all these years and said "DON'T give your father my phone number".

    Why some adults aren't protective I don't know. I know I was vigilante with my kids I asked them endless questions. I also would tell them if they spent the night anywhere that they could call anytime if they even felt funny or anyone caused them to feel funny.

    I am sorry that you weren't protected, I am sorry that you were blamed. You were a child and you need to realize that a child doesn't understand that there are people that hurt children. Why it is still allowed in our day and time makes me sick and repulsed. I always thought it was something that with time would be stopped but it's almost like it;s some adults dirty sick secret.

    I am so sorry TS

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    Tortured soul

    You honor us with your words. I remember when I first started talking about my abuse. People would step back sometimes physically, other times emotionally. It always hurt. And it always added to the burden of shame and guilt I carried for what was done to me.

    It sounds like your abuse happened about 10 years before mine. I well know how people did not want to hear about sexual abuse of a girl. I cannot imagine they would listen to a boy's terror any better. In fact I know it would be worse. All three of my brothers were molested. None of them can talk about it to this day.

    Nobody had a clue what to do with us. No one wanted to talk about it and they didn't want us to talk about it. I think they hoped that if it was never spoken of we would forget.

    Some of us did forget but the price of that is extremely high.

    And some of us remembered and held the memory inside to protect everyone around us from being uncomfortable with our pain. And we paid a huge price for that protection of others.

    I learned in my recovery that some people will not listen. Some will still step back. Some will refuse to believe because as you say they cannot allow themselves to deal with this reality of a child's life.

    Speaking out has given me more than keeping silent ever did.

    • Now when they step back I can acknowledge it is their problem not mine.
    • I gain strength from the telling - it validates my memory
    • It loosens its hold over me - the power of the abuse and the memory is reduced so I am free to think and feel and be real instead of a emotionally dead shell
    • I find support with other survivors
    • I get support from those who do care - they are out there
    • I open the door for understanding of the problem
    • I am able to live pain free
    • By telling the entire family I was able to protect the next generation - or at least warn them

    I really belive that holding it in causes us much more pain than letting it out. I still shake sometimes when telling new people. I wonder what they will think. But in the end it doesn't matter that some people can't handle it. There are others who will.

    This thing - this monster we hold inside has the power to destroy us if we let it. It roams around in our sould, feeding on our fear of telling the secret. It feeds on the shame inflicted by what was done to us. It seeks out guilt to make us hide. This monster inside has the power ot make us die inside or to make us commit suicide if we let it. This monster lives in darkness and secrecy. It loves silence and lies

    The monster shrinks in the light of truth - our truth. The monster starves when we refuse to accept the guilt and shame and fear. Telling the secrets is hard. It hurts. But it is the only way to kill the monster within.

    Thank you for sharing your truth. Your monster is a bit smaller today

  • nowisee

    ((% dsoul)))))

    thank you for your post, full of insight and wisdom. you are in a position to help many others who have gone through similar experiences. my heart goes out to you; no one should ever have to suffer the things you did.

    i wish YOU peace, happiness and healing.

    best wishes with love, nowisee

  • LyinEyes


    That was an extreamly painful thing to read, I can't imagine living thru it as you did,,,,,,,,, and you are a survior. I know your time is short,,,,,,,, and I am pretty choaked up right now , thinking about your life, your beautiful poems, your family.

    You know, Ihave two sons, and I was so protective over both of them. My oldest son is 16 and I don't worry about him so much anymore, he is almost a man and strong,but I still caution him of the dangers.

    My youngest son is 8 , and I don't let him out of my site much. The stories I have heard from the men on this board and other boards, who were abused as little boys, breaks my heart. But it has made me hold my sons more precious and close to me. When my son, wakes up in the morning the first thing he does is hugs me and cuddles with me........and today, I think of all you men here who were little boys as he is right now. I can say with all of my heart and soul that I HATE people that abuse children. There is no punishment for them that can be put on them of what they deserve.

    I hope you continue TS, to keeping in touch with me, just to let me know how you are doing...... I will be thinking of you often.... I know your strength is zapped, but I want to be there for you and I hope you know how much your story has touched so many.

    I know for myself, getting to know the many men who have been abused as little boys,,,,,,,, it has really made me be even more cautious with my sons. It really makes me sad to think that so many were treated so callously, by people they should have been able to count on to love and believe them.

    Our children are precious and hearing your life stories as painful as they are, helps us to never let our guards down as parents.

    Thanks for all you have said and thanks for your courage in all that you are going thru, I too, wish you peace , comfort and love.

  • Hamas

    Tortured Soul

    What an amazing thing to write. You have touched me today more than any other post I have ever read on this forum. Most of the time, If I see quite a long post, I will refuse to read it in its enterity as I simply get agitated and want to move on to something else, but your words cultivated me to read the whole post today. I thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

    If my memory serves me correctly, I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting you, my friend. We all learn from each other in life, and I have learnt to feel your hurt, If only slightly in comparison with the way that you quite obviously have felt it over these past hard years for you.

    We all have problems in our life, Lord knows I have had problems in mine, yet they seem to pale into insignificance compared to the obvious grief and pain you have felt. I am nobody to even touch on what you feel; all I can do is encourage you and thank you. As an earlier poster comented, your words serve as your honour. Be strong, this life is hard. You can be safe in the knowladge that whatever happens, your life and words will be remembered, not only here, but I am sure amongst those that love you.

    I pray for you and that many more people will read your words you have left us here today. I did and you touched me, soldier.

    As salaam alaikum.

  • nilfun

    You, Poet-

    You, Survivor-

    You have touched my heart.

    Peace be unto you, my friend.


  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    But I am a survivor and most important, I am Loved.

    Yes you are. Certainly by me. Thank you for having the courage to open yourself up. I find your soul to be beautiful. I know how hard that is. What you wrote was not hard to read, but it did convey the feeling.

    I live in Dallas and so remember when the Kos trial was going on. I became so angry listening to a radio talk show because they were talking just as you describe, that I actually called in. First and only time I've ever done that. I got on the air and said to the host, "I will trade your childhood for mine, sight unseen. The next time you go play golf with your buddies, tell them that not ALL boys lie about being raped. Some of us, just wish we were lying."

    You're right. I think the Kos trial was important, and hopefully there will be a similar watershed trial for the Witnesses as well. I remember one sister told me that I couldn't be telling the truth about my rapist since boys can't be raped. It is this mindset that must be dealt with.

    TS, on a personal note, I am always so glad to see your poetry, or a post, just to know you're still there. Just know that if I had it in my power, I would.

    Be well my friend


  • avishai

    Wow. Wow. wow. Knowing there are people out their w/ your beauty make my job wonderful, & I am humbled before your ability to write about these things. ((((((TS))))) Thank you. Thank you for your strength.

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