Hi Sue,
Many thanks for your very honest post.
I won't use this post to criticise anything about being reinstated or going back to the meetings.
When I felt really low when attending meetings I used to do a few very simple things that seemed to help.
When entering the kingdom hall I tried to give the warmest welcome ever to the first three people I encountered.
Then, in the hall seek out the older widows, and go and say a friendly hello and ask them how their week has been.
Do this for a month or two and then you will then bump into people in the hall you have been friendly with and invariably some will become friendly to you and things seem to start getting easier.
Ask who is ill or long term sick in the hall. Visit them, Ask them how they are coping - listen to them.
When you get to know them better, maybe give them a call on the telephone to have a chat with them.
These are just the things that have helped me. I appreciate they may not be for you.
Although I have been brought up in the truth and now long faded, in the past I have returned to a new hall after being disfellowshipped and also moved to two other new halls both with family and totally on my own, so I know how hard it can be.
Also, there was a wt/awake article that suggested getting professional/medical help advice when you feel as you do.
Just can't remember the year/reference sorry -
Hope something here helps - if not post here again and keep in touch.
Best Wishes
Ron