punk, you said: Yes, I'm an atheist but wish there was a god. I miss the church and the hope I had but it isn't real to me.
i spent a few years with knots in my stomach and battled depression over losing that "false hope", almost wishing I never discovered the lie I was living.
but as I have embraced my atheism, and my part in the universe, I now feel more connected to the universe and everything in it than I ever have.
I don't want to die, but I do not fear death. My life is what I make it. I give no credit or pass any blame. People aren't out to "get me", they are out for themselves. Why do I deserve any less? I am out for me and my family and MY happiness.
Life is what we make it. we have to find our own meaning. If life gets to the point where the path your taking seems hopeless, then END IT! no NOT suicide, end the way you've been doing things. If you have to sell everything you own and become a monk then DO IT!
if you decide to take a round-the-world trip with a tour group for a year or two then DO IT!
Any choice you make is better than wanting to end your life or living a life of unhappiness.
as Zig Ziglar used to say: "if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep gettin' what you've been gettin'"
chin up my friend, many of us (myself included) have felt as you do now. It will get better. Make your own purpose, whatever you discover that to be.
woj