a picture thread!.
time to come out of the closet.
i'm a bit of a voyeurist.
A picture thread!
Time to come out of the closet
I'm a bit of a voyeurist. I've watched this forum more then I've posted and am interested in what everyone looks like. I've seen a thread like this a long time ago but I couldn't find it again.
I'll start. I'm the girl with the pink shirt and glasses:
i'm starting this because i was chatting with someone this morning about pictures of ourselves as kids.
i realized i didn't have any of myself so i got my mother to email me a few.
i promised i'd start a thread about it and if that person doesn't post the pic they sent me this morning, i will.
This one is me with my brother and sister. I'm the one in the middle.
This next one is me and only me!
it seems in the past few months my entire life has paraded before my eyes.
i am malleable.
i go through ideas and try on personalities like elizabeth taylor tries on husbands.
It seems in the past few months my entire life has paraded before my eyes.
I am malleable. I go through ideas and try on personalities like Elizabeth Taylor tries on husbands. I pick up accents like spare change. If someone comes to me with a problem I become them, I do not separate my own mind from thiers.
One month I may be ultra Christian, the next I will be bent on proving to everyone that God does not exist. I find these gurus, and follow them; I talk to friends, and bend like a willow in the wind.
Examples:
In the past two years I have been involved in an increasingly conservative and cult-like bible study which ended in four marriages and 10 anti-God manifestos; A Pentecostal missions organization which attempted exorcism on me to rid me of past hurts; a nihilist workshop; Buddhism; a near affair with a married multi-billionaire; a best friend turned lover turned not best friend; an ex-boyfriend who hatesmelovesmehatesme/something.
They all have one thing in common: they will heal me.
If I Will:
Follow a set of rules or Be delivered or Kill Yourself or Numb Yourself or Have Sex With Me or Stop Playing the Victim or Forgive and Forget or Talk To Me About Your Problems or
Or Or Or
(where's my fuzzy bunnies?)
These dramas, while fairly common in everyone's life, because of the extent of my problems with others idolization and self-deprecation let these extremes drag on to have some fairly bad effects on my life including homelessness, etc.
So I have cut myself off from anyone and everything including the idea of God or not God. I am drinking only myself. Finding me. Michelle. Swimming through a mire of grey and watching black polarize with black and white to white.
For 2 months I didn't read, write, or go to school. I didn't even bike to town for groceries. I sat in bed with a bottle-several bottles-of sweet red wine and a mirror.
(Observe my observation.)
This is me:
I am 19 years old. Intelligent by school or test standards. I am pretty. I have big eyes and long dancing legs. I feel fat. I practice masochism often. My mother is a nurse and my father was going to be a pastor but turned into a computer salesman instead. I snowboard on the weekends and enjoy playing "frisbee" with my German Shepherd, Jake.
I listen to Britney Spears while working out and cook haute cuisine which I refuse to eat due to water retention. I like to complain about how hungry I am.
I see things in black and white. I have problems with duality. People think I am either very passionate or very borderline. I drink too much and have a problem with my temper. I hate myself. I read too much Plato and Fromm and hate both.
I will numb myself. I will stretch my lips into a smile. I will wake up in the morning and I will smile like the good girl I pretend to be. I will marry a tall man with a muscular frame who will dictate my life and we will numb ourselves with this arrangement. I want to be dictated. He wants to dictate. Small crumbs to a hungry soul. We will adopt 2.5 kids (perhaps we shall adopt a dwarf?)
The problems with Miss Emotional Gymnast begins with Desire.
I want.
Oh my goodness, do I ever want. I want truth.
What is Truth? -Pilate
Baruch Spinoza says truth, like beauty, is a gift, not accumulated in the way of learned knowledge.
(So do I wait with hands open, eyes closed?)
I want love.
What is love?
I want beauty.
What is beauty?
Oh, Damn this. These elusive wishes.
I won't be satisfied until I have them and I have little hope of ever having them. My idolization is directly connected to my unbridled desire. And my unbridled desire is directly connected to my life. Nietzsche had it right when he recommended cancelling oneself out to escape the trap. But this is mundane in my situation. I don't want to die, I want to feel alive. The problem is...is...is...
THE TRAP. The nature of the trap is that it is unescapable. It pins one to a specific point of growth and disables-completely-the trapee.
So do I curl up in a pillow fort with a hand gun and stuffed bunny until my romeo comes along? Do I forget my desire? Do I numb myself to who I was at 19 with all these hopes and dreams and love and melting heart? Do I make a man my God and follow Him to the end of my days, whence the Royal HeWe dies and I wither away in sorrow and death and reality?
People are my drugs. Tell me, what is your drug? Books? Religion? Hate? Sex? Men? Women?
Do you wake up crying at night? Do you slice your skin, careful and smooth? Do you eat that third whopper to cease your rumbling soul? Do you fall to your knees in your mind, in this worldfull of people and cry for someone to hear you, to fulfill your desire, to love you, to be your G-O-D?
Or are you too numb for that now? Have you locked your heart away?
Tell me, how are you doing this? What is keeping you alive? What is keeping you numb?
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in thinking back over the years past it makes me really sad what we have come to as jehovah's witnesses.
i never thought i would ever be at this point in my life.
in doing some new year reflections i can't help but think of the people i cared about in past years.
I don't post much just look. This post however, hit too close to home to pass up.
I agree with most of you (who can argue with feelings, anyway, it's just where we're at), I just thought you might like to hear me.
I have been molested by my grandfather, uncle, cousins, Church Member, the classic "stranger danger" deal, been sold out for money, etc. The abuse started when I was 6 months and the hardcore stuff ended when I was approximately 9.
Statistics tell me 3/4 of all the population share facets of this type of abuse with me.
Forgiveness needs to be defined. I like some of the people who molested me, as people. I completely dislike the fact that they used me, raped me, tortured me, etc. They hurt me and I am forever scarred.
I have had the opportunity to discuss my being molested by my uncle with my grandmother, who used to watch from the doorway. She is dragged about by her emotions in placing blame.
Talking to her went a bit like this: "It wasn't his fault, you know. He was sad. He's had a hard life. You should have fought it, Michelle. But I don't think it's your fault. You're such a sweet girl. (puts head in hands) ****'s a good person. He fought it, you know. He didn't want to do it. He used to run from you because he knew what he'd do. He loves you. You need to see him. You're hurting him in not seeing him." She went on like that for hours, contradicting herself continually.
For me, forgiving meant giving up my hate and learning what Love truly is. Love IS truth. If you love someone you will give them the truth. In my case, I am terrified of my Uncle to the point that whenever I am in the same room with him I try to kill myself promptly. I'm a little girl and I hurt. Loving others means loving me as much as them and that requires extreme consequences for what they did. It is an incredibly big deal. This is why I cannot be around my Uncle and many others. It hurts me and is detrimental.
Loving my grandmother means that I cannot keep quiet. I'm ripping up her world which revolves around her son. She hates me externally for it, but like I said, she is bandied about by her emotions, and is on a constant roller coaster from it. She likes me sometimes too. She sends me Gypsy dresses for my Birthday, and pictures of us together.
Liking and Loving are two entirely different things. Steadiness, truthfulness, and always having the greater good for both parties. Liking on the other hand, is the skin of Love. It's flaky, changes, is mortal. It isn't easy to love. I want to be a selfish brat, and stamp my feet, and slit people's throats. I also want to be a doormat sometimes, and just be cared for in the psuedolove fashion I have been given for most of my life. It's easier on my feelings.
One of the most harmful responses the victim of sexual abuse has is an exaggerated response to what most people have from daily living.
I have found a peace in all of my pain. I am still healing. My soul has been ripped open, gutted, and left, open and hollow. I'm getting my stuffing back. The Old Little Girl is dead. But I'm being resurrected so to speak. I shriek a little at being touched in such hurting places in my emotional bubble. Someday, I'll be whole. I know this, and that is why I go on. Forgiveness is a big part of that, and I'm learning. Truth is also just as big a part of it. I want to run away from what happened, and hide in my closet and sleep all day, waking only to cut myself and throw up. But I can't.
I need to hold myself responsible for Now.
Thanks for this post. It's nice to hear from everyone. It's a hard subject. Best of luck in healing.
Michelle
the thought of getting married at the kh was very depressing.
i always thought what a bore it would be, i mean afterall its a very special day in your life why do it at such a boring place?
i always thought about going to an exotic location for mine.. what about you?
I'll never tell.
Michelle
"Speak English!" said the Eaglet. "I don't know the meaning of half those long words and I don't believe you do either."...
"Why," said the Dodo. "The best way to explain it is to do it."
-Lewis Carroll in "Alice's Adventures In Wonderland."
i found this site that claims to have over a million used books at any given time...just thought i would share w/you all.. .
sincerely,.
district overbeer
I sell used books. You've hit my love.
Powells is good. I live near Portland, and I'm always going. Just hanging, me and my cup of tea and good book.
A Quick Rundown On My Personal Opinions And I Do So Enjoy Talking Of Myself and My Loves:
Amazon is good for selection and guarantees. You can yell at them over the phone and get your money back plus a gift certificate.
Powells is excellent quality. Horribly overpriced. Though
Half is just plain cheap.
And Bibliofind is Amazons exotic side. Great collectors items.
The books all of you recommended are horribly intellectual. They give alot of historical background and theories. Hypothesi (how do you say that in plural?). None of the meat and philosophy. None of the complete thoughts, complete lifestyles. Chopped of the whole. They're books castrated of thier emotions. You'd be better off to just learn Hebrew, memorize the Torah, read Josephus, The Biblical Archaeology Review. Maybe infiltirate yourself in some Bible College so you can hear all the great Christian minds, pretending to belong.
It's like reading a textbook on the sutras and Hesse and Gatauma, but never actually reading the works themselves. Or reading ABOUT Islam. Etc. Etc.
But I do so love intellectualism. They are all well-written, though a bit one sided. I'll add one to the list of recommendations. "The Church in the Power of the Spirit" by Jurgen Moltmann. The one translator did a horrid job, though, just to warn, If you know German, and can read it original, do so. Otherwise, you're stuck with a bad translation, your German-English dictionary, Webster's dictionary and a long, hard night of thought. But well worth it. Pentecostal background, so it may be unfamiliar. Many references to Jesus as God which might throw some of you off. But if you can get past the differing backgrounds, it'll truly be one of the most insightful biblio reads you've ever embarked upon.
People's opinions can be so damn fascinating sometimes. The Rebbe's always leave my head confused and whirling. They're so brilliant.
But such an undertone of hopelessness. It saps the works of thier beauty. Like Neitzche.
In my opinion.
Michelle
well, can you believe it, it has been a year since i timidly joined this forum!
(yes me, i was very timid at first!
i came looking to see if anyone else had the same experience as me in finding out that the wtbts is just another manmade organization with dangling carrots and big sticks.
I do enjoy Scott Peck. I'll keep your recommendations in mind.
Try Dan Allender. He's amazing.
I read Messer Peck alongside Sun Tzu (Art Of War, Art of Wealth) at the prompting of my pretend father. That was two weeks ago and my head is still aspin.
I've read only soft things since.
I'm not an ex-JW. Rather, ex-SDA. Here for a friend.
I'm a newbie. (It hurts so good.) Congratulations on your veteran state.
Michelle
has anyone on the board ever joined a cong as an unknown apostate, gained a reputation, and then tried to show certain members the errors in their ways. i'm in a sitation that makes the following hypothetical possible. should i do it...has anyone attemted it? thoughts?
Ask Him.
Everyone has wisdom we can learn from, even JW's. Even the Kingdom Hall. If we want to help them, we've first got to help ourselves. Change starts in the inside. That's how Jesus and Paul did it.
Paul went back to the Jews because he was sent. And he followed the rules and came under the authority. People came to know Him because of it. And Jesus came back to us because He was sent. And we came to know Him because of it, we were saved because of it.
Above all, though, we've got to love. We know little. We only see in part. If we don't love we're just going to be a noise, that ear plugs will remedy. Like a siren a dying person drowns out and runs away from, because they don't KNOW the noise.
You care. That means alot.
And take it easy. He loves you.
For me, my heart hurts for my own church, but God is keeping me away for some reason. And in the meantime, I'm growing alot. I love them so much, and it's so hard to stay away, but I'm trusting that God has big plans for them utilizing others to guide them to the Light of the World.
Read Acts. But what He says is what makes everything have being. With His blessing, all things are possible.
Michelle
the thought of getting married at the kh was very depressing.
i always thought what a bore it would be, i mean afterall its a very special day in your life why do it at such a boring place?
i always thought about going to an exotic location for mine.. what about you?
"Screw the white dress. If you're going to marry him, marry him Indian style, with a (insert funny Indian dress name here). That's the best."-Mish
Maybe just screw it all. The wedding doesn't mean much. It's the marriage.
Here is my dream wedding dress:
I want to get married in the green hills of the wine country. In Spring. It'll be all about worshipping God, and showing respect for relatives and friends. Little lambs will be frolicking the hills, and the most expensive item will be the flower girl dress.
Wisteria, also. Lots of wisteria. And white roses for you.
Maybe all three suggestions, nu?
Michelle
