PaulJ

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Posts by PaulJ

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  28

  thumbs up to......

  by desbah in

  1. social
  2. humour

  ...getting a puppy.

  ...having a full take of gas.

  ...payday.

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  PaulJ

  england winning the ashes

  and the world cup

  I thought you were Scottish!!!??? Or are you just living up there?
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  45

  silly pet names

  by desbah in

  1. social
  2. humour

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  k....ppl what silly name did you give to your dog,cat,hamster,rabbit or horse?.

  i named my dog.....holy cow....

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  PaulJ

  A friend of mine called their cat 'Cfor' Think about it....

  Colin is a great name for a dog.
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  11

  a silly joke to share....

  by PaulJ in

  1. social
  2. humour

  .

  mr tortoise is walking down the street when he is mugged by a gang of snails.. the police interview mr tortoise after the attack and ask him if he could describe his assailants.. "im afraid not" said mr tortoise, "it all happened so fast............".

  its old and silly, but it still makes me laugh....

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  PaulJ

  Peter Kay- Genius Quotes

  
  1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
  2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
  3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
  4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
  5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and st ones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. 6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
  7) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
  8) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
  9) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
  10) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
  11) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

  
  Peter Kay's questions...
  1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
  2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth
  3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
  4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?
  5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
  6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
  8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
  9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
  10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
  11. What do people in China call their good plates?
  12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
  13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
  14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
  16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
• 
  11

  a silly joke to share....

  by PaulJ in

  1. social
  2. humour

  .

  mr tortoise is walking down the street when he is mugged by a gang of snails.. the police interview mr tortoise after the attack and ask him if he could describe his assailants.. "im afraid not" said mr tortoise, "it all happened so fast............".

  its old and silly, but it still makes me laugh....

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  PaulJ

  Peter Kay's Universal Truths

  1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
  2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
  3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
  4. You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.
  5. Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
  6. Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.
  7. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
  8. You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
  10. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
  11. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
  12. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
  13. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
  14. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
  15. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
  16. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
  17. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
  18. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
  19. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
  20. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
  21. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
  22. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
  23. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
  24. You never ever run out of salt.
  25. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
  26. You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.
  27. There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
  28. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
  29. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
  30. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
  31. People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard.
  32. You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
  33. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
  34. Bricks are horrible to carry.
  35. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
  36. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
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  41

  Kids say the funniest things!

  by whyamihere in

  1. social
  2. family

  my daughter lily is 3 years old.

  she is now asking me all the body parts(all of them).

  now i am not one to hold back so i told her what she has and what her little brother has when she asked.. so anyway..... now she sings songs about it.

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  PaulJ

  My little girl (4) told me matter-of-factly one day that when she was born, she was wearing a Barbie dress! aaahhh!! that was priceless for me....
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  71

  Where Is The Ultimate Truth Found?

  by JamesThomas in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  there is much discussion here about the bible.

  some might see that after hundreds of years of argument and controversy no two people interpret the damn thing exactly the same, and so they have acquired the wisdom to abandon it.

  there is a story which goes like this: .

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  PaulJ

  Be Happy.
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  12

  The Office

  by JW83 in

  1. social
  2. entertainment

  why oh why has american tv made its own version of this brilliant british series?!

  it's like cracker all over again!

  can't americans understand the accent?

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  PaulJ

  The worst thing Ive seen like this was the US version of Fawlty Towers..... oh dear oh dear oh dear.
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  18

  Raising boys

  by JeffT in

  1. social
  2. humour

  raising boys (or for that matter, girls, too).

  a) for those with no children - this is totally hysterical!.

  b) for those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.. c) for those who have children this age, this is not funny.. d) for those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.. e) for those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.. .

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  PaulJ

  Very good!!!!
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  39

  Does being a JW make a person physically sick?

  by Gill in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  definitely mentally and more than likely physically.. i have read on a few posts and freeminds about an increase of mental illness amoungst jws of between 2 and 40 % and it seems understandable considering the amount of stress being in the borg puts on people.. but what about physically?.

  what are your experiences since leaving the borg?.

  do you feel well and fitter than ever before?.

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  PaulJ

  There is a lot of pressure on you when you are in the 'truth' thus this can affect you physically in many ways i would imagine.
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  28

  Field service horror/humor stories.

  by sonnyboy in

  1. jw
  2. friends

  this has probably been done before, but has anyone had any scary or funny things happen to them during field service?

  i used to go door-to-door with the most obnoxious elder in the world.

  if we approached a house, saw signs of life, but they didn't answer the door, he'd actually go around and knock on their windows!

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  PaulJ

  There was an elder i knew who broke wind a lot. Numerous occasions on the ministry he would try and whistle over the top of it, as if that somehow 'hid' it. He was the Service Overseer if I remember correctly.