Breaking up is Hard to Do......

by tyydyy 65 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  tyydyy

  I have been dating this woman for two months. I somehow agreed to being monogamus with her....the details aren't important..but here I am stuck in a relationship that daily grows more unbearable. I have been trying to get the nerve to end it for the last 6 weeks...lol well it's TRUE. My biggest problem is that I don't want to cause her pain. I know there is no way to end it without causing her ANY pain but I want to minimize it. She has already said she loves me, without any prompting or encouragement from me. I have told her that I DO NOT love her, but that I do enjoy hanging out with her sometimes. You would think that would have done it wouldn't you? I have tried being argumentative, even though it goes against my nature to be that way. I started trying to distance myself by being unaffectionate even going so far as to be too tired for sex, which is also very much against my nature!

  Now I know I have to directly confront this situation because she is still not getting it. My question to you is what is the best way to do this? Do I:

  A. Tell her that the chemistry is not there and that I could never be in love with her. Leaving her to question her looks, personality and ability to be loved.

  OR

  B. Tell her I have been unfaithful to her, making it her decision and leaving her pride intact? But making me out to be an asshole.

  BTW I have actually been unfaithful, several times. So technically I am an asshole, but should I be honest about it?

  Eagerly awaiting your imput as I really want this to be over!

  TimB
• 

  WildHorses

  A. Tell her that the chemistry is not there and that I could never be in love with her. Leaving her to question her looks, personality and ability to be loved.

  I choose this one but i'd explain to her that it has nothing to do with her looks, personality or ability to be loved.

  Edited to add: If she doesn't already know about the cheating, I would not tell her. This would lead to her questioning her looks, personality and ability to be loved. I'm a woman, so, I should know.
• 

  Brummie

  Dont tell her you cheated on her because she will naturally feel hurt and unworthy and blame herself.

  Tell her the truth, you dont deserve her, there is someone better out there for her and you'de like her to be free to meet that one.

  Whatever you tell her its gonna hurt, she sounds like the devoting type.

  Brummie
• 

  Lady Lee

  C: I have to be honest with you and let you know that I have realized I am not ready for this relationship thing. I'm sorry but I want you to be free to find the man who deserves you and it isn't me

  Don't hedge on it. You don't want her thinking she can make you love her or "fix" you or wait for you to be ready.
• 

  Reborn2002

  First he says:

  My biggest problem is that I don't want to cause her pain.

  When all along you have cheated:

  BTW I have actually been unfaithful, several times.

  So you've cheated, and now you want to have us believe you do not wish to cause her pain? Hypocrite. I suppose you justify it to yourself that if she is unaware of it.. what she does not know can't hurt her? On top of that, you are contemplating continuing to lie about it?

  So technically I am an asshole, but should I be honest about it?

  At the very least she deserves the truth, to know what you have done and that she does not deserve an asshole.

  Normally I have gotten along with you tyy, but a pet peeve of mine is cheaters who lack the decency to be forthcoming with someone. At least look her in the eye and tell the truth.

  I've been cheated on before, and know how it feels and speak from experience. She will be heartbroken initially, (don't give me that I don' want to cause her pain line, if you meant that you would have ended it before cheating and not cheated many times and looked her in the eye and stayed with her while doing so) but over time the wounds will heal and she will realize she deserved better than that. No one deserves to be cheated on. If you honestly do care at all about her, you will be honest.
• 

  teejay

  Well gosh darn it.
  
  I had the funniest response for ya, Tim. I mean... it was gonna be a classic... one of the best I've ever done. Television worthy, almost...
  
  And then I read what Lady Lee wrote. What *she* did was along the lines of what I was gonna do -- offer a Plan C, only on the funny side. Then I made the mistake of reading one more post. Jason's.
  
  I go, "Whoa!" Made me stop and think. (That young man has a way of making you do that if you ain't careful.) I mean... stopping to think while looking off into the distance. So, I clicked back on what I'd written - then back on what Jason wrote - then up to what LL wrote, and at that point my pathetic little attempt at humor was history. Shucks. And it was pretty funny, too.
  
  So... howya been, Tim?
• 

  ballistic

  Yeah, what Reborn said. I was gob-smacked when I read the post.
• 

  LDH

  Brummie,

  Dont tell her you cheated on her because she will naturally feel hurt and unworthy and blame herself.

  Um, Brummie, what the hell kind of woman you been dealing with? If you are dating a woman who doesn't know that there is a difference between YOUR actions and HER self-esteem, I feel sorry for ya.

  Of the men who have broken up with me, I'd have to say it's because they know I'm damn smart and would never put up with any childish behavior or lack of responsibility.

  Being cheated on says a lot more about the cheater than it does the cheatee.

  TYYDYY, if you can't handle telling the truth, I would suggest you not get into any more relationships at this point. You're going to piss off the wrong woman, and there could be tragic consequences.

  Lisa

  A Thin Line Class
• 

  tinkerbell82

  have been unfaithful to her, making it her decision and leaving her pride intact

  i didnt read anyone else's responses yet, but this strikes me as an oxymoronic statement. if i were in her shoes, i'd rather experience the break-up, which by itself is going to hurt enough, without the added humiliation of knowing that i'd been cheated on several times. there's nothing she can do about the fact that you cheated at this point....why hurt her more than you have to? the whole thing reminds me of that scene in 'gone with the wind' when melanie is dying and the doctor tells scarlett she'd better let her die in peace, saying that he wouldn't have scarlett cause mellie unnecessary pain to simply ease her own conscience.
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  Maverick

  Look, never tell them nothing! Call her on the phone and tell her you need to talk. We men know when a woman says that, what they mean is ..they are gonna talk and you are gonna listen...and it won't be pretty. Then be a man and tell her, you are not compatible. You need your space. You got to find yourself.( do these sound familiar?) Then shut up! Walk away. Women hang around with a guy they are over until the pain is so great that they hate the guy. Men are wimps that leave while they still have feelings for the girl and "don't want to hurt her feelings!" When women leave they could care less about if you live or die...actually they'd like it if you did die! In this they are way stronger than us, my friend. Relationships are their business and when the ship of love is sinking there is only one life vest. Better to be the dumper than the dumpee! A lot of women have a guy in the wings lined up for when they are ready to sack you. Learn from the best(women) and take no prisoners! I know you will get a lot of politically correct crap, but in your heart, you know I'm telling it like it is! Maverick, nice and sweet when I can, and cold and dangerous, when I have too!