Hi Pimojw! I'm really sorry you find yourself in this heinous situation.
Judge MaClelland of the ARC called it a " captive organization"...and it's the best description I've heard.
I think this is why shunning is the no.1 issue, and harm, for jw's. Without shunning people would have the ability to walk away from the org - and in doing so refuse to accept the other harmful practices. Jehovahs Witnesses could vote with their feet when it comes to blood, child abuse and the 2 witness rule, domestic violence and many other problems that we fear to criticise, or just debate.
They weaponized our family's....and our conscience pays the price.
A lot of the conflicts you have regarding beliefs ring so true for me, too! I too have a real respect and love for the man Jesus, and I don't believe he would agree with their heirachical, pharaseical attitude.
I also think he would be found humbly working in a soup kitchen if he were on earth right now, not hurling fireballs at children with Antony Morris the turd and the rest of the GovBod.
I'm absolutely convinced that evolution is true but how the universe and life began, that is a whole other question. I long to think a benign and wise force is there somewhere. I also think there is much to admire in Buddhism as a way of life.
One thing I do is try not to judge. I also dislike the pomposity of believing you are utterly right as the Watchtower does, and most horrible that I look forward to a paradise for me that I will gain by the murder of 7 billion people, a billion of which at any given time are babies and young children.
Keep on having an open mind and WELCOME!!