PE, I have "walked a mile in your shoes". After my mother was too old to live alone hubby and I moved her in with us and even bought a new house (which put us in a financial bind) in order to better accommodate her needs. One day she got mad that we weren't paying enough attention to her. I found her in her room tearing up family pictures.Thankfully, I caught her before she had a chance to do too much damage. It was a tantrum in order to get attention.
Not long ago she died. I wasn't notified by the rest home or the mortuary because they had been told by "the people from the church" that she had NO children! A JW aunt (through marriage) left me a vague phone message that she had died a week after the fact.
I didn't learn TTATT until I was 60 and had wasted most of my life trying to please these toxic relatives and their angry God. You are considerably younger. I promise the intense pain will fade to a dull ache which sometimes fades altogether before it shows up again.
Please do yourself and your wife and children a favor. AVOID these people and all their drama. You owe them nothing. Your place is with your immediate family. They need to be shielded from the crazy, not exposed to more than they already have.
I would give anything to know what you know when I was your age. Go, enjoy the rest of your life without the FOG. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)
BTW, Hubby and I faded not even Dfed or Daed
IT's A CULT!!!