Feeling Sad After Uncovering TTATT

by pale.emperor 42 Replies latest jw experiences

  • pale.emperor

    My initial pangs of unease and doubt led me to research some things. Well, a lot of things really. I've never felt comfortable using the bible to try to calculate dates (1914). And im confident that at least 90% of JW's cant explain the 1914 calculation off the top of their head. That worried me. Because Gods word to humans should be easy to understand shouldn't it?

    So, i research. I dig. I uncover bits here and there. Not only do i see that the 1914 idea wasn't even Russel's idea, but it originated from someone else, in fact another religion.

    Then i uncover the fall of Jerusalem was a different date altogether.

    Then i discover a, quite recent, letter from the UN showing the JW's have fellowship. Then they left that fellowship.

    Then i notice there wasn't a governing body in Russel/Rutherfords day even though the WT will use the term governing body back then.

    So the central beliefs of this religion have come crashing down. How can i still go along with it?

    It feels like someone has died. I feel sad. And i cant tell anyone because I'd be kicked out in bad standing. Come to think of it, it's impossible to leave with your reputation in tact. People dont just "stop going", they "become weak and fall away". Or they "leave Jehovah".

    So here i am. My wife knows i dont believe it anymore and what do i tell her? If i show her what i've found i'll be an "apostate". We have no outside friends or family. And honestly i dont know whats out there.

    Has anyone else felt this low after discovering TTATT?

  • steve2

    Pale.emperor, welcome. You're going through rebirth pangs - it is always painful to realise cherished and comforting beliefs are just human fancies. You are experiencing an adult version of children realising fairy stories are made up. There are so many people who've been exactly where you are now. I'm hoping they notice this thread and chime in. Keep your head about you and take it nice and slow there is no emergency or urgency. Waking up can be sad and disturbing but ultimately it's liberating. As the Truth book from 1968 said: " You owe it to yourself to scrutinise your beliefs for if they are true they'll withstand scrutiny and if they are false, wouldn't you rather know instead of living a lie?"

  • KateWild


    I felt the same as I loved being a witness and part of a community. But I was already df'd when I woke up.

    You are in a better position you can plan your exit and do things your way. You can be in control of your future.

    You can plan days out with your wife and weekends away to do more exciting things than meetings.

    Take it slow.....but show her love and fun.

    Kate xx

  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse

    I think we've all been there. It's like grief, you'll go through anger and bargaining too. But eventually with time and effort come acceptance. You have clearly been doing your research but don't forget to do some things to help you psychologically too. If you haven't yet read Steve Hassan's books it would be a good idea to do so before having further conversations with your wife about it all.


  • Wait For It
    Wait For It

    Pale.emporer, I'm in a similar situation. My doubts about 1914 eventually led me to TTAT and I was so devastated, I was physically ill for a few weeks. It's been a few months since I first found out, but even still, I wake from sleep thinking about what I've learned with my heart racing.

    We are grieving a lie and it'll take some time for our minds to "reset" from the years of forced thought and indoctrination. In the mean time, I'm allowing myself experience life, by actually enjoying simple things that I used to feel guilty for: sleeping in on the weekends, hanging out with my non-JW friends and not viewing them as "Worldly," spending more time on hobbies, and planning my career path for the future.

    Doing these things has helped me to realize I have a lot to look forward to and helps me move on with my life instead of continuing to allow the Watchtower infiltrate my mind.

    You can get through this.

  • redpilltwice

    Pale, I truly feel sorry for your state of mind in this early stage of awakening. I feel your pain, I really do. At the same time it's a wonderful step to accept TTATT and that takes honesty and a lot of courage, congrats on that too...you DID IT!

    You wrote:

    People dont just "stop going", they "become weak and fall away". Or they "leave Jehovah".

    All I can say is that time does heal. My wife and children accepted TTATT immediately after me and as a family it took us only 2, 3 meetings before we DID stop going 100%. We didn't want to expose ourselves to the WT lies and indoctrination any longer, and we still feel good about that crucial step. As an ex-elder, I knew how to play the game and avoided to be disfellowshipped. Looking back at the past 8 months of our fade, we can only say it worked well for us... (so far!)

    But... every situation is different, I'm sure you may need more time. Time for yourself to heal, and time for a good fading strategy for the near future. Many who are not able to get out, just protect themselves by thinking about other things during the meetings, just observing the body language of Borg captives, or even reading social media or "apostate" websites on their tablets/smartphones. They also "vote" with their wallet, by not allowing one single penny to disappear in the belly of the beast! I'm sure you'll find a lot of comfort and similar situations on this forum...many suggestions already have been given here, so read and/or ask and choose what works best for you.

    I wish you all the best in your situation and always remember...you're not alone!

  • LostGeneration

    it's impossible to leave with your reputation in tact

    This is very true. Its how cults set things up, there is no honorable way to leave. Because why in the world would you ever leave The Truth/God.

    It takes time to accept that these are simply cult rules and you then decide what works for your circumstances. The great majority end up realizing freedom is much more of a prize than cult friends. When you are ready you will be able to leave without worrying or caring what these folks think of you.

  • TheListener

    Pale emperor, you are not alone. I felt similarly when I discovered TTATT. I lost all my friends and a lot of my family. I wasn't prepared for a life without the witnesses, had no idea I needed to be. I went from a feeling of smug superiority and a desire to help save people's lives to being free but mostly alone with and not having all the answers anymore.

    At first I spent a huge amount of time researching every doctrine to see if it was something real or not and then I spent a long time being afraid I was wrong and God was going to kill me at armageddon, which I imagined would be starting any time. But, in time I made some new friends, saved my kids from the cult and have a pretty good life going on.

    Learning TTATT is really overwhelming but you can and will get through this. Use the board as a helper and you might want to find a local counselor to speak with as well.

    Feel free to PM me any time.

  • MarkofCane

    The truth holds no loyalty to beliefs, its either the truth or it's not. Doing mental gymnastics to make the JW version of truth possible was making me depressed, I was drinking on a daily basis and went on Paxil and Zoloft. On Sunday after meeting I would go out to eat with the family and get shit faced, during the week after meetings especially, my need for alcohol was intense. Once I allowed myself to scrutinize my beliefs and stopped the indoctrination my depression disappeared my need for alcohol is minimal almost nonexistent.....no more pills.

    When I'm around those still in the bOrg i'm reminded of how miserable I was. My awaking has been tough, I've lost all my friends and shifting through family now. Some still communicate with us but very matter of fact our kids are ostracized by the kids in and around the congregations as well. These people are nuts, normal people don't act this way. So yes I was sad when I first discovered the ttatt, but after almost 4 years later I will attest...it was the best medicine for the soul and mind. I'm not a judgement ass anymore and I no longer live by end time fantasies. I'm a integral part of society now and this life and world I live in, is the "real life". My journey has opened new opportunities for me that I would of never considered when i was trapped in my mental prison, the truth does set you free.

  • eyeuse2badub

    Yep, it takes some time to unwind from the cocoon of jw-ism. It's very much like a divorce or the death of a loved one. Hang in there because it definitely is worth the pain and agony to receive freedom at the end of the ordeal. I know, I was a dub for 58 years! It's amazing what lies ahead!

    just saying!


Share this