I'm so confused, help?

by Ponyo 38 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Ponyo

    I want to share my story. (Might be a tad long)

    I have no idea where I stand anymore regarding being a Jw and where I stand in my marriage.

    im 28 years old and the years are certainly ticking by.

    Theres not really a reason to sharing my story, apart from that I want to, and I don't really have many people to talk to that will give me support from a different viewpoint. (Already apostate thinking from me here) but I also have a question or two to ask of you, so please bear with me.

    so I'm 28, I have two beautiful young kids. An 18 month old and a 3 month old. I'm married to a really great guy, And I'm very confused

    I grew up a jw. My mum has always been extremely faithful to the enth degree, she has brought me and my sister up through some hard times but has always done her best to safeguard us and teach us what she thinks is right.

    My dad, well he has some inner demons he's always dealt with and was in and out of the truth from a youngish age when his parents started studying when he was a teen. He's what you would call apostate now I suppose but officially inactive, not DF.

    ive read a few stories on here of when some of you grew up and had pretty horrific experiences growing up in the organization. I really sympathized with you.

    my upbringing wasn't so bad.

    Mum and dad got divorced when I was 7. I don't remember much about that time. I think I block a lot out. My dad was a scumbag. Emotionally abusive, cheated on mum a lot. Mum finally gave up and got the divorce which was a good thing for all of us.

    so mum did her best to bring us up, took us to every meeting, out in the field every Saturday. I found i took it all in my stride but didn't ever really make the truth my own. I changed schools a lot, when I was in grade 11 I changed to new high school, this was where I met some of my best friends I would ever meet. and also where I met the love of my life.

    My dad was pretty intent on letting me do anything that would make my mum mad. So he would take me to the parties I wanted to go to, let me do what I wanted with my friends. A little careless now that I look back. But anyway I had a split upbringing which made it a little hard to focus on one path.

    so back to the boy, I never looked at him as a potential bf. he wasn't someone I would probably go for. But he pestered and pestered me until I gave him a try. I knew having a bf was wrong, but boy did I get swept up fast. We were best friends, like the kind of friends that you could spend 5 hours on the phone to and it feels like 15 minutes. We would make each other laugh till it hurt. Every emotion together was intense. I got butterflies at the thought of seeing him first thing in the morning or when his name showed up on my phone.

    We would sneak over to his house and put on a movie but never end up watching it coz we couldn't keep our hands of each other or we just spent hours talking. His mum told him, 'she's the one for you, don't let her get away'

    looking back now he was and is I should say, a very wise intelligent person. He was never your typical high school jack ass.

    I fell hard. I remember the feeling, when I fell in love with him. He was the most important thing in the world to me. He made me the happiest girl. I knew we were soul mates,. we would say we wondered if anyone else had this kind of love. I know now what we had was special. Like having the most amazing connection with your best friend. We never argued. I don't actually think we could have. Anyway.. We just clicked.

    So of course my mum was pretty devo about it all when she found out. I can't remember all the details of what happened back then. But I know I broke up with him for a while because I felt it was the right thing to do for jehovah. He was an unbeliever. He believed in evolution, no God.

    These were hard times for me. Not seeing or speaking to him.

    We got back together and then broke up again. I got serious about the truth and got baptized. I wAs about 20. He started a study with an elder, and I was to have no contact with him. it was the hardest time, I felt such guilt if I messaged him to see if he was doing okay. He said he was really enjoying the studies and was even starting to go out witnessing with his study conductor. I was getting really hopeful and felt good about the future. Months went on. No contact. It felt like forever.

    I got a job as a nanny for a sister in our cong. I worked there maybe 6 months and that's where I met my Now husband.

    I was very intent on getting back with my bf (let's call him Leo) that I hadn't noticed he was falling for me.

    Wewent to a convention together and after he said he was feeling things for me, he thought he loved me.

    I was very flattered, but I told him I was kind of with someone, that they were studying but I wasn't having any contact with him.

    So for the next 4 months my co worker showered me in gifts and love and kept asking to be mine.

    I felt very torn, I quite liked him but I was waiting for Leo.

    After another month or two, I caved. I told Samuel. (Not his real name) that I would give us a shot.

    I told Leo what I was doing. And I waited to see what he would do with his studies.

    He stopped, of course. What would any normal human do when a girl breaks your heart like that.

    I thought, well I've made the right decision. The truth wasn't in his heart. He gave it up and I thought maybe this is jehovah directing me. I asked Leo if he was going to go back to the truth, he said no.

    Things progressed fast with sam. After 8-9 months he proposed, and I said yes. 8 months later we were married. On our honeymoon I cried.

    I felt like I had made a huge mistake. I felt lonely. I was on the other side of the world. Seeing and doing amazing things and I felt a hole inside of me. its been 6 years now. And that hole is still there.

    I love my husband, he's a great guy, he works his butt of for us and gives me anything I ask for. but these feelings just don't go away. And it's killing me inside, it comes and goes like a wave. Sometimes I'm fine and I think life is great. Then I see something that reminds me of him and it hits me hard. I sink into depression for a couple months until I can climb out and start trying to live life again and forget.

    I guess you would call me and my husband inactive. Well we are, but we still have the truth in our hearts. We are very busy with the children and their routines. It makes the spiritual routine hard.

    A year or so after we were married I had a bit of a break down. I was very into health and fitness and I was the fittest I'd ever been, i was feeling great (apart from my heartache)

    I went to gym and I'd walk out crying. I missed him so much it hurt. I thought to myself, for goodness sake. It's been 2 and a half years, you have to get over this. I would go to a cafe and write. Write all my feelings. I would get on google and look up stories of others in my situation, I would read jw articles on divorce and feel terrible. Then it would pass and I would feel good again and love for my husband.

    again it came when I fell pregnant with my first child. then it passed.

    Its back with a vengeance now and I'm nearly at breaking point. The last thing I thought I would be doing was looking at apostate websites. But I was googling again on divorce and looking some stories like mine. I've been reading a lot and now having doubts but I feel like it's because I'm just being selfish. That maybe this is Satan trying to lead me astray. That if I devoted myself more to jehovah things would start to go smoothly for me.

    I don't know what to believe. It's always been the truth for me, I've never believed otherwise. And if the organization has faults, well I think it's because it's made of imperfect men?

    My my mind is constantly going two and fro. I think of leaving and being with Leo. Then my mind says wtf are you thinking, you have two kids to a great man and a good life. I have things easy. But there's something missing for me. I have no chemistry with my husband, I feel nothing when he kisses me. I can't talk to him for more than 20 minutes. We have similar goals and we get along great. I like being with him. It's nice.. But I still have a hole inside me.

    Ive spoken to Leo a couple of times throughout the years. He has a son now too and a new gf that he's okay with. But he says I'll always be The one and that I never leave his mind. And he has the same emptiness. I asked him if he would ever take me back, he said he wouldn't even have to think about it.

    Guys im screwed. Like I really am. I'm in an effed up situation now and I really screwed up. I have doubts about the truth but then at the same time. What else is there? The Bible makes sense from what I have learnt..

    how could I leave? Would I eternally regret it? How could I when me and Leo live 2500km away, I don't even know how to make that work. Am I crazy for thinking this is even a possibility?

    But if I don't. Will I be empty forever? Will I show my kids a loveless marriage? will Armageddon never come and I be regretful I never took that risk?

    My kids are my everything and they come first. I don't want to do anything that hurts them. I'm so torn. My mind never stops. I'm so tired. I'm in a conflicting state of mind all the time.

    what made you leave the organization? Doesn't the Bible say his truth would be in the form of an organization? How else would the good news be preached? If you never had anything to begrudge about it why leave?

    As you can see, I'm super confused and feel I'm at a crossroads in life. Everything is calm around me but my head is a storm. Always.

    if you can offer any similar experiences. Please do? I need some support and help.

    Thanks for reading,



  • Crazyguy

    You may want to start with realizing the Bible is just a book or should I say a collection of books that were put in to a bible. There's contradictions in the Bible prophecies that didn't come true, scientific and mathematical mistakes. Don't believe me look at Ezekiel chapter 29 and the desolation of Egypt that never happened. Google the city of Tyre a city that was supposed to be destroyed forever.

    If you hope the Bible or religions based on the Bible will fix your problems or make your life great your delusional, sorry to be blunt. Anyway you're only going to live once so what do you want to do with your one shot your one and only life? But also what price are you willing to pay? Only you can make this decision.

  • LoisLane looking for Superman
    LoisLane looking for Superman

    Ponyo, I feel your heartache.

    Please PM (private message) me.

    You do that on this site by clicking my name. Next up will come my page that says you can message me. Click that.

    Can you send me a message and will you trust me enough to give me an email address to contact you with? (Not your real name. You don't know me and you need to learn to be cautious if you are not cautious by nature).

    I can read your PM to me but I am unable to reply for many months now.

    It is past midnight here on the Pacific side of the continent.

    Please take good care.

    Hugs of concern for you because I know you are suffering and your position is very hard.

  • The Fall Guy
    The Fall Guy

    Ponyo, firstly, you could be going through what many people do in later years - dreaming of a past relationship and wondering "What if?" No couple will sustain the same initial excitement & passion for many years, and some will have affairs to compensate for the "lack" in their life. You appear too have a good husband, family & life. Treasure what you have and be thankful for your memories - but don't let memories and fantasies destroy what you know & love.

    Secondly, you said, "I don't know what to believe. It's always been the truth for me, I've never believed otherwise. And if the organization has faults, well I think it's because it's made of imperfect men?"Wrong! The WTBTS hierarchy - from the G.B. down to the elders - will not be so loving and considerate if you exhibit faults because you're imperfect. The organization will punish you severely. Do some research on this site regarding numerous teachings we were given, and then decide if the org teaches "the truth." If you don't dig, you'll never find. Wrong! The WTBTS hierarchy - from the G.B. down to the elders - will not be so loving and considerate if you exhibit faults because you're imperfect. The organization will punish you severely. Do some research on this site regarding numerous teachings we were given as J.W.'s, and then decide if the org teaches "the truth." If you don't dig, you'll never find. If you'd like some genuine examples - to save you hunting - P.M. me.

    I hope you can resolve your anxieties, and enjoy life even more.

  • Diogenesister


    Have a look at this wiki article on how your Faith began, where it descended from, know also there are many jw splinter groups, contrary to Watchtower claims. Please, please have a look at jwfacts.com before you make any decisions.

    I also want to leave you this poem, it's called the cloths of heaven by w.b.Yeats."Tread softly because you tread on my dreams". I will post more later....but please don't rush into things, and know the GOD of the watchtower should play no part in your decision making because he does not exist.

    Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
    Enwrought with golden and silver light,
    The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
    Of night and light and the half-light;
    I would spread the cloths under your feet:
    But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
    I have spread my dreams under your feet;
    Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

  • Giles Gray
    Giles Gray

    Before you can solve anything you need to separate and clearly distinguish the issues that you have to resolve before coming to any conclusion.

    As far as I can see, there are two separate issues that are blurring together in your mind which are contributing to your confusion.

    The first issue that seems the most predominant in your mind is the question of rekindling the love you had with Leo.

    The second issue that you have is wondering whether the religion you are in is the truth.

    At this moment in time the second issue is the most important to resolve, due to the fact that it has a huge bearing on the first issue.

    If the Jehovah's Witness religion is true, the answer to the first issue is obvious. You stay with the chap you're with and you learn to love him and progress in the relationship with Jehovah's protection. All very nice, but not exactly what your heart longs for.

    If the Jehovah's Witness religion is untrue, the first issue becomes a lot more complicated.

    The problem now is remaining objective in your examination of the Jehovah's Witnesses and your faith.

    The question for me is, would you even be considering the credentials of the religion if it wasn't for the fact that your heart's desire lies outside of the Watchtower? If Leo had been a Brother and everything was authentic and up to the requirements of the religion, would you at this moment be questioning the truthfulness of the religion?

    Regardless of the answers to the question of your motive, there remains the very important point of whether the Watchtower is the true religion or not. You also need to know if there is a god or if there isn't a god, if the Bible is true, or is it a myth like any other 'Holy Book'.

    It is only when you know the answer to those questions that you will be in a position to make a wise long-term decision.

    Just to finish... I knew a JW sister who remaind in a loveless marriage all her life, staying with her unbelieving husband because she was loyal to the Watchtower, only to reach the end of her life and find out the what she believed all those years wasn't the truth.

    I can't imagine what she went through when she was in hospital, after having suffered a stroke, and was lying there thinking about her life and what had passed her by.

    You have some very tough decisions to make that don't just affect you. Your belief system is at the very heart of your decision making. That is your starting point.

    Good luck in your decision making.

  • Wake Me Up Before You Jo-Ho
    Wake Me Up Before You Jo-Ho

    Hey sweetie, I can feel your heart breaking all the way over here (Australia). To relieve some of your guilt and confusion pertaining to whether or not the Bible says that the truth comes in the form of an organization, please check out these two articles and keep your Bible handy : ).



    Sending you love from Down Under.

  • scratchme1010

    Hello. I can't offer help or advise, other than please keep posting, read, research, learn, and find your way on your own. Trust yourself.

  • truth_b_known

    Don't put the cart before the horse.

    Deal with you religious beliefs first. Know the truth and the truth will set you free. Know the Truth and you will a slave to a publishing corporation that uses high control tactics to keep you in.

  • DesirousOfChange

    I think of leaving and being with Leo. Then my mind says wtf are you thinking, you have two kids to a great man and a good life. I have things easy. But there's something missing for me. I have no chemistry with my husband,

    Your hubby will never be able to live up to being better than (or as good as) your FANTASY MAN. The guy in your fantasy is romantic, loving, fun, and perfect in every way. Trust me, Leo is NOT like that. Leo is not perfect and he (nor anyone else) would ever live up to your fantasy. Come back down to Earth.

    "WTF are you thinking?"

    There, that's reality. I'd suggest you see a therapist/counselor. Someone who is trained in the field.

    Now, about the religion. That's another fantasy (living forever in Panda Petting Paradise) that all of here also fell for -- many of us for decades believed all that and were diehard JWs. Go to jwfacts.org and do some reading.

    Good luck.

Share this