I'm so confused, help?

by Ponyo 38 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Vanderhoven7

    <<...so I'm 28, I have two beautiful young kids. An 18 month old and a 3 month old. I'm married to a really great guy, And I'm very confused>>

    Great guys should have great wives. If he was cheating on you, mistreating you, denying you intimacy, care, necessities of life, I could sympathize. Put your family first. Millions of JWs and Ex-JWs would trade places with you in an instant. End your confusion; say goodbye to a past love, firmly and finally. Work on your marriage and your family.

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    I want to feel badly for you and go along with the pity you are feeling for yourself over all of this but the Husband and Father in me realizes that you have messed up the lives of 2 good men with your nonsense and are considering messing up the lives of your children as well.

    The problem isn't Sam or Leo or the JW's ....the problem is your apparent inability to get past your romantic notions and see what's right in front of you.

    You then allowed things to proceed with Sam even though you weren't actually attracted to him and believed at the time, it was wrong for you to have a boyfriend. You even expected him to join a religion you didn't quite believe in, yourself. Then you took up with someone else while he was jumping through all of your JW hoops. Wasn't Sam a lucky fellow to have found such a catch?

    You allowed things to proceed with Leo even though you were separated from the wonderful Sam due to your initial indecisiveness and ongoing JW drama. Wasn't Leo (and his future children) a lucky fellow to have found you?

    My kids are my everything and they come first. I don't want to do anything that hurts them. I'm so torn. My mind never stops. I'm so tired. I'm in a conflicting state of mind all the time.

    Hopefully you'll realize that the inability to control your own thoughts (your emotional immaturity) is what's at the root of your problem. You have a great hard working husband that you seem to at least like a lot, a good life and kids you love and unless you stop entertaining these romantic notions about the past, learn how to control your thoughts and emotions and focus on what you have, you'd better fasten your seat belt cause' you're in for a very bumpy ride. Maybe that's what you want....a little drama to liven things up. Sometimes people who come from a chaotic background, don't feel comfortable when things are going well.

  • joe134cd

    I guess this can happen when you marry someone for what they are rather than who they are. The deal has been done now so you can't change it if you think the grass is greener on the other side often it just turns out to be more grass. .

  • Ponyo

    Thanks fall guys. I will be doing more research. The Giles gray, Thanks for your reply too. And yes that's what I'm scared of.

    Diogenesister thank you I will check that out.

    Joho thank you I will have a read. I'm also in Australia. The top end :)

    desirous of change. I know that fantasy man isn't all fantasy. I know life would be damn hard if I took that path. you have to realize that's what is messing with my mind, I know it's not going to be easy in the slightest and all butterflies and unicorns. But what about feeling empty in my marriage.

    thanks for your replies. I'll continue reading x

  • Old Navy
    Old Navy

    The bond that developed between you and Leo is exceedingly intense. He was your "first love" and, in a sense, he was "forbidden fruit." The possibilities of "what might have been" are very tantalizing to ponder and can be absolutely haunting.

    For some problems in our lives there simply is no satisfactory solution.

    What you're experiencing is very common; in men as well. Foolishness in choices often produces consequences which persist for many, many years. It is only in old age that we eventually find relief. When wisdom finally takes hold.

    Our next lives will be much different.

  • DesirousOfChange

    Maybe that's what you want....a little drama to liven things up. Sometimes people who come from a chaotic background, don't feel comfortable when things are going well. ~ Pete Za Hut

    Pete, I think you nailed it!! Drama Queen.

    She will NEVER be happy no matter who she is with or where she is at in life. Some people are just like that. Somehow they NEED turmoil/drama in their life. It gives them something to blame all their (other) problems on. Pity those poor kids! She's too busy worrying about herself to have any time to worry about them.

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    But what about feeling empty in my marriage.

    Sorry to sound harsh Ponyo and to seem as if I'm trivializing you pain but based on what you've told us here, I'd say you alone are the source of the "emptiness" that you speak of. If you think about it, the things that you are fretting about, are "first world" problems. There are millions of women around the globe who would love to have a life as "bad" as yours. They'd love to have healthy children, a stable life and a hard working man who loves them. Why not focus on what you have rather than torturing yourself by revisiting something that is over. If you do that, your problem is solved.

    There is an expression "You can't go home again" and there's a pretty good chance that it might apply to your situation. After the experiences you’ve been through, (marriage, motherhood and returning to the JW's) nothing will ever be the same as it used to be. So the “home” that you remember doesn’t really exist anymore, because the “you” from the days that you remember doesn’t exist anymore.

    When you catch yourself going down the "what if I'd have chosen Sam instead of Leo path" switch channels and say to yourself. " thank you very much but I've already gone down this road and I've chosen to love the father of my children and appreciate what I HAVE and not daydream about what might have been". Sam is not an option to you anymore and neither is destroying your children's happy home. Stop torturing yourself by revisiting this topic and move on.

  • rebel8

    Is it possible your longing for this man is symbolic of other things?

    I don't believe there is only one soulmate for everyone. I believe we can love many different individuals in our lifetimes.

    You have a lot to work out in your head. I'm sure running off to this man might be really appealing as an escapist fantasy. But honestly you've got some young kiddos who need you. That doesn't mean you need to stay in the marriage, just that you can't be impulsive.

    You're also questioning your religion, which is totally fine too. I wonder if it's best to start with that and figure out the family stuff later? There are a lot of facts about the org's teachings and behavior to learn.

    Finding out about true facts is not apostasy or bad--even the Society has published stuff about it. <<That link has quotes from Society literature with no comments, so it's not an apostate site at all.

  • Ponyo


    Okay I understand where you guys are coming from. Yeah my kids come first. Of course I would never leave them, is that what some of you are thinking? :( I do my best every day to give them everything they need.

    I am also thinking of my husband in this situation. I think he deserves better than this. He deseerves someone who's truly in love with him.

    Unfortunately I was an idiot and thought I was doing the right thing by jehovah. And it was the right thing by my mums standards and the religions hold on me.Not so much mine. I've never been selfish my whole life. I always put jehovah first or what my mum wanted.

    I cousdnt even have my best friend as a bridesmaid at my own wedding because mum said she is worldly. You can't do that.

    I've left out a lot of my life in this post. I really am not a drama queen. I don't have social media for that reason.ive just come to a point where I'm sick of doing everything for other people, I've never made descisions in my life because it feels right to me. And I'm over it. I wish I backed myself more.

    I wanted to share my story as it's all in my head at the moment and I can't let it out to anyone and my head feels like it's going to explode,

    but I will book into a counselor,

    thanks for your time.

  • AlwaysBusy

    After my divorce, I went back to a man that I had truly loved. We had been engaged and I was sure that returning to his loving arms would be 'paradise'. It wasn't. There was so much resentment on his part, because I had had a daughter with my ex-husband. I'm not going to go more into the story, I just want you to know that a lot of water has gone under the bridge for you both, just like me and my first love, and I promise, your relationship won't be the same. Don't leave a good thing for a memory of something that can't be revived.

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