I'm so confused, help?

by Ponyo 38 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Half banana
    Half banana

    Ponyo, first big cyber hugs to you for dealing with your dilemma. Life can be trying can't it?

    If we are brought up as JWs we are not given a chance to be objective about anything be it religion, child rearing, sex, politics, history or the future. Their teachings are drilled into our brains plus twe are made to feel fearful of transgressing. This is a very unhealthy mental state which most of us on this site have discarded and enjoyed the freedom to be ourselves after leaving the religion.

    For the sake of time and the truth I will be blunt: JW values are a complete distortion of reality. The JW org only want unquestioning obedient sheep-like followers doing their bidding. Of course it's only possible to see this after leaving the organisation.

    So as a suggestion try and separate these three issues: the truthfulness of the JW organisation, your evaluation of the importance of your marriage and children and lastly your yearning for your lost love. Look at each issue as objectively as you can and try not to see one being contingent on the other to start with.

    It is not possible to have everything we want in life, the poor have limited choices and who says that the rich are always the happiest? So it has to be a matter of priority, putting what you need most first, and what you next need most second etc.

    Will you be able to live with yourself without Leo? Is the idea of being with Leo just a fantasy and might getting together with him also be followed by disappointment? Would a temporary separation with your husband be a possibility? What if the Bible is right? What if JWs are right? What if they are both wrong? How would the children fare if you divorced their father?

    What then is the most important thing in your life?

    Naturally you are the only person to decide and you are still young at 28 whatever you think.

  • Ponyo

    Thank you half banana, that was very helpful.

  • dubstepped

    Man, some of you guys are harsh. If we applied the same mindset of you made your bed, now lie in it or you're a drama queen we'd still be in a cult.

    Look, it's pretty obvious that you settled because you married someone that the "Truth" (lol) pushed you to marry. The same indoctrination that made all of us do things that we regret. Funny enough, the Critical Thinkers podcast that just came out was Lady C talking about the pressures on JW sisters to marry and how she almost married the wrong guy.

    I disagree with a lot of the posts here. You made a bad decision and you shouldn't be punished by it forever, nor should your husband. You don't think those kids will be able to tell that mommy doesn't really love daddy.

    In the end, maybe guy #1 isn't best for you, but your husband definitely isn't, no matter how hard he works or how nice he is. The comparisons to what other women go through matter not. That would be like us not having left the cult because the FLDS is even worse. That's stupid.

    Look, you're in a bad marriage and it doesn't sound fair to you or him or the kids. None of us can tell you what path to take here for sure, but you have a problem even if you stay and guy #1 didn't exist.

    Also, you're in a cult. That hurts to hear It took me a long time to prove it to myself. Read on the jwfacts website, don't excuse things that are claimed to be directed by holy spirit that go wrong on "imperfect men". How many prophets in the Bible got it wrong over and over and over like JWs do? You have been brainwashed and you're feeling the effects in this choice of relationship.

    I did a podcast called This JW Life. You can listen on iTunes, Google Play, etc. You can stream it directly from thisjwlife.com. It is a 9 part series and I explain so much that you may not know about the JWs through my story.

    Google search for Crisis of Conscience in PDF and you'll find a book by someone that actually made it to being a member of the governing body and see behind the scenes.

    You need to focus on the belief system that you hold first because you can't be all in for any relationship until you know yourself, and you won't find yourself until you strip off the "new personality", which is a cult personality put upon you through years of indoctrination that is already negatively impacting your life.

  • Ponyo

    Thanks heaps dubstepped. I'm trying really hard here. I've been conflicted since our honeymoon which was 6 years ago and I actually feel really sorry for my hubby because he really does deserve better. :(

    I am realizing it now. I've been brainwashed. I've started COC and I watched an hour interview of ray franz on YouTube and the relief from my shoulders was huge.

    thanks for your reply. I have been beating myself up a bit with the other replies. I'm booking into a psych very soon.

  • pale.emperor

    what made you leave the organization?

    Go to JWFacts.com and read Crises of Conscience by former Governing Body memeber Ray Franz. He was disfellowshipped for eating a meal with a disassociated person because they couldn't get him on anything scriptural.

    Doesn't the Bible say his truth would be in the form of an organization?


    How else would the good news be preached?

    Many religions preach. Not just JWs. Also, the message JWs are preaching is vastly different from what Jesus preached. 1914? Armageddon? Vegetarian Lions playing with a beach ball?

    If you never had anything to begrudge about it why leave?

    Because it's not true! And it's a very controlling religion to be in, having to seek the approval of elders and COs and made to feel guilty for normal human desires and goals.

    But back to you... i can relate in some ways. I was in a loveless marriage for 7 years. Had one beautiful child. In my case, us splitting up was the best thing that ever happened. I felt zero loss or regret when she left me (for leaving the org). That's not the reaction of someone who love's his wife is it?

    The memories you have of your ex are candy coated. Sure, i've never met him, but our brains work that way. They remember the lovely, warm fuzzy things of our ex's and diminish anything that was bad. If you did leave your husband and get back with this guy it wont really match up to the fantasy version you have in your mind. Im not going to tell you what to do but if this guy has moved on and with with someone and has kids, are you comfortable breaking that up?

  • dubstepped

    @Ponyo - Of course you we're beating yourself up with the other replies. They we're designed to shame you, just like the JWs would do. Guilt is "I did a bad thing" and is healthy because it helps us set boundaries and learn lessons. Shame is "I am a bad person" and is totally destructive and no more inherently true than the concept of original sin that makes us all bad people that owe something to a deity.

    You've been mislead and it sucks. My wife and I had to admit that to ourselves and it hurts to feel like we we're pranked for decades. We we're all in as JWs but the lack of true love and the fact that it was all extremely conditional helped wake us up. Read the Biblical description of love and compare it to these JWs that will judge you and drop you in a heartbeat. It is much greater love when you can love people that are different than you. It's harder, but that's much greater than love expressed only to those exactly like you in a cult.

    You should definitely get help, like a psych. If you're open and honest in this process of exploring long held beliefs you're about to go through grief and there are stages. It is tough, but the freedom on the other side is worth it. I say this tongue in cheek, but watch what you ask for. I and many here ended up an atheist after actually examining what we were taught.

    Once I saw that the organization wasn't true I realized that it was all built on a book that I and billions of people assumed to be truthful from the beginning without question. Upon questioning the Bible soon fell apart too. If it is true that artifacts older than Adam and Eve are out there, and Adam and Eve's story is therefore incorrect, there is no original sin nor need for a Redeemer. The Bible starts out with figurative creative days in which plants are created before the sun which is backward, a literal talking snake, and a flaming sword protecting Eden when swords hadn't been invented then. A very auspicious beginning, no? When you step back and take a thousand foot view of the book just like you might do with something like the Book of Mormon, it all starts crumbling down for many of us. For others it doesn't and that is fine too, but it should all be looked at. Don't just stop after looking at the JWs themselves. Freedom is never free. There's always a price to pay. Get people like a therapist in your corner if you can. We are all here to help too, well, some of us anyway.

  • Ponyo

    Interesting dub thank you. Psych tomorrow. Cannot wait

  • never a jw
    never a jw

    Very interesting advices, even when they conflict with each other. I kept swinging from one side to the other. One thing was never questioned, what caused you to end up where you are: the religion of your mom. For the sake of your children, the first thing to fix in your life is your belief system, your religion. Fix that first. Then you will be able to deal with the rest.

  • deegee
    Ponyo: Psych tomorrow. Cannot wait

    It seems to be more effective if you are able to find a therapist who is aware of JW issues:


  • Dunedain

    Hey my dear, I can really sympathize with your situation. I was in a similar one myself, except from the male perspective, as I am a dude, lol.

    Currently, my family situation is wonderful. Beautiful children, loving good hearted wife, and we are living a very comfortable, secure life.

    Yet, I can, and sometimes look back and wonder what could have been, with my ex wife, that I am divorced from.

    I followed my heart though, and I also looked at things logically, and what was the best decision for me, and would be in the long run.

    I can tell you this, the best advice I could give you, is to take the religion/JW element OUT of the equation. Really think about it, but because you made decisions based on what a manmade organization thinks, you are kinda in this predicament now.

    Thinking that something happened, or may not happen, or did happen, because its a test from Satan, or a blessing from Jah, is adding unnecessary stress to a very stressfull situation already. This WILL cause you to sometimes make poor decisions, and not look at things logically, or following your own instincts, or heart.

    Please take the "religion", and the guilt that comes along with it, out of the equation, and your decision making. Free yourself from that burden, and then start looking at the situation from that standpoint. Give yourself the time, and respect to really know what YOU feel, and want, so that YOU can make the right decision.

    Don't rush, and try not to make the same mistakes, that perhaps were made in the past. learn from them, and be true to yourself, not a manmade organization, that does NOT care for you.

    One thing you said, and I think you should keep first and foremost in your decision making, is keeping your kids FIRST. I am happy to hear that they are your world, and you love them. They ARE a reality, and ARE here, so they ARE something that SHOULD affect your decisions.

    Always think about what would be best for them and you. We always must sacrifice for our kids. Who you stay with MAY, or may NOT, have to be sacrificed for your kids. I think you would agree that leaving and breaking up a family, that MAY affect your children, so you could be with someone else, would maybe be a selfish decision. That being said, YOUR situation IS way more complicated than that. You knew this person first, and kinda had a little commitment to him, that you decided to break.

    Maybe your kids are young enough that it wouldn't affect them. Maybe it would not be good to stay in a loveless marriage, if that's even the case. Or maybe the worst thing you could do, would be to take your children away, and go far away, to be with someone, who may not even be the same person who you knew 6 years ago.

    Only you can answer those questions, but they best way to answer them is based on information, and get and weighing facts. Take the JW/religion out of the situations. Don't burden yourself any more with thinking that spirit creatures, whether good or bad, are having a bearing on this situation.

    Look at it with YOUR own thoughts, and feelings, and make decisions based on all the factors. Its NOT going to be easy, but it has to START there. Also, do things on YOUR time, and don't rush, especially since your lovely children are involved. Time WILL fix all things.

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