There isn’t anything left to say except I wish I didn’t have to go through all of this to get where I am today.
Oh man. I wish you didn't either. Our family circumstances were different, and my 'nervous breakdown' came years later, long after I'd left the borg.....but your story is my story, baby. And probly most gay people's story in that cult, more or less. We prayed the same prayers, on our knees begging Jehovah for help.....help that never, ever came. We cried the same tears. The same acid of despair ate us away inside, drip by drip.....that horrible inner pain that nothing and no one could ease.....because we knew we were so rotten....dispicable....sinful monsters.....beyond all hope of redemption.....even God hated us.....and we hated ourselves through and through.....we longed for death....and we knew we deserved to die.
Straight people who read these words of ours, many of them just don't get it. They will think we are just dramatizing....living up to some "weird stereotype" as someone has put it recently. But gay people know we are relating the simple facts as we lived them.....the horrors NO straight boy or girl ever has to face, has no concept of.....having no right to exist.....a waste of breath, a waste of flesh. Evil....filthy....sick....perverted....ugly....unmentionable....unnameable.....in the eyes of everyone else it seemed. And not just among the jw's either.....but throughout most of the rest of the population too, "worldly" though they might be. Straight people just don't get it.....until we speak the truth.
They think we celebrate Gay Pride because we think we're so special and better than everyone else.....just arrogant.....but you and I know that's not so.....oh yeah maybe we are a little more fabulous, haha (wink)....but we celebrate our Pride because......WE LIVED. We didn't die, after all......like all the world and even God Himself wanted us to, so we thought.....we lived, we survived.....and somehow, we prevailed against all the darkness that tried to take our lives from us......unlike so many gay kids who didn't.
Your story made me weep for them....for you....for myself. We have to keep telling our stories.....even when straight people tell us to shut up and go away.....because it is The Truth.....and it makes us free.....and them too, if they have ears to hear and eyes to see. Thanks for sharing this powerful story. Love ya man.....all the best.
