Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter 48 Replies latest jw friends

  • RunAwayDaughter


    Thank you! Yes, I am already in professional therapy and have my sons in therapy to deal with the loss of their father and now their sister.

    Your words from your experience are comforting. Right now they are living in the house, but the mother is converting the detached garage into an "apartment" for them. My daughter told me that spend little with the family because they the family goes to JW almost every day and then she and her boyfriend stay "in their room." They only speak Spanish in the home, except the younger cousins, so my daughter really doesn't know what is being said. I believe you are right that he does not want to do anything to make her think badly of him. That is why he was hiding his guns at his uncle's house.

    Thank you for your support.

  • LoisLane looking for Superman
    LoisLane looking for Superman

    RunAwayDaughter, There is so much I would like to say to you. First, you sound like a real nice, caring and loving person and to think you and your late husband opened your hearts, home and love for these children and planned for their future education, giving them a real foundation for their future life, is fabulous of you.

    Now I would like to say something not so nice. This daughter is 18. She thinks she already knows more than you do. She thinks she is being smarter than you with all the well thought out plans you had for her and the others. She is turning her back on you, the family that has loved and nutured her. I see it as though she is laughing behind your back, possibly even getting a thrill, thinking she is hurting you. And she is right. She is hurting you.

    You are an outstanding Mom! Don't ever let anyone let you think otherwise. Now, be that as it may be, your daughter may not be who you thought she was. You nutured and helped and loved this young woman to grow up to be an outstanding citizen, and in turn to be like you, a good woman, a good wife an excellent mother. She sounds like she does not appreciate you in any way or appreciate anything that you have done for her. That is hard to accept, of course. You are not cruel. But by her actions, your daughter is cruel.

    This daughter that you thought you knew so well, you did not know at all. You had so much love to give, and, gave freely, but how was your love and care returned? Love does not hurt. Love is not cruel. You have done nothing wrong. Your daughter is at an age and the opportunity presented itself, that she could do something daring and get away from the life that she possibly detested and did not want. And she did get away and she did make you upset. And she did/does have you eating out of her hand. She possibly feels like she does have the upper hand now and you will do what she says and if you let her, she will control you. She is not who you remember her as being the sweet little girl you raised. Her true colors are becoming manifest.

    It is hard for you to cope right now, of course. This all must have come as a complete shock to you and her brothers. If you are in touch with any of her best friends, or even if you went to her high school and met privately with some of her teaches that you think might have known her well, you may get a completely different picture of your daughter then.

    May I say in the nicest way that I feel very sorry for you. It is a shock. I wish I could help in someway help you get past this stretch of the road in your life right now. It was unexpected, totally. Your dearest husband gone the year before. You must be feeling devastated.

    The relationship you had with your daughter is forever changed by her recent actions. She is screwing up her life royally. You must continue to be the great mom that you are. And you are!!! It is your daughter that has the problem and she does not really want you in her life anymore. That is hard to accept.

    I cannot private message anyone, but if you would like to leave me a safe email address I can read it and we can continue this conversation off board. Please PM me with an email using your name from here: RunAwayDaughter.

    Hugs of concern and sympathy.

  • Vanderhoven7

    Well I don't know that she is laughing behind your back or wanting to hurt you. She knows she is hurting you - true - but my take is that she is just driven stupid with hormonal love for her boyfriend. At 18 she is probably making a big mistake...but it is out of your control. If you want to keep your relationship with your daughter intact I suggest you tell her that even though you don't approve you have no choice but to accept her decision to leave. Since she is being intimate, pray that she is smart enough not to get pregnant. I would definitely go to her graduation. You could stay at a hotel while there and avoid visiting the homestead because you clearly don't approve of her living arrangements. As part of the trip you might invite Mom and Dad as well as your runaway and her boyfriend to a nice restaurant for lunch or dinner.

    While there I would not recommend visiting their kingdom hall and sharing your story with the elders. That would definitely open up a can of worms that everyone, with the exception of the elders, would resent you for.

  • moreconfusedthanever

    I agree with Vanderhoven on a couple of points. If at all possible I would go to the graduation. Firstly you would regret missing such a milestone in the future and secondly you have an opportunity to show your unconditional love for her to her by attending. I would not interact with any of the boyfriend's family so as not to give a message of acceptance.

    Hormones and I suspect grief may be causing a lot of mixed emotions in your daughter. Your husband has only been gone a year and grief makes some do out of character things.

  • scary21

    I remember my first love. It was so over powering words can hardly describe, but nothing anyone did or said could change my mind. I hurt my mother deeply by getting pregnant and getting married at 16. I was under his control or spell for almost 10 years.

    I loved my mom so much, but a first love for some people is very profound. Remember the movie splendor in the grass?

    Just keep being a mom and loving her. Please try to forgive her .She could just be one like I was , CRAZY in love.

    Sending big hug......Sherry

  • Diogenesister
    Moreconfusedthanever Hormones and I suspect grief may be causing a lot of mixed emotions in your daughter. Your husband has only been gone a year and grief makes some do out of character things.

    I just want to say I fully agree with this....No one has mentioned that it is rarther too much of a co incidene this happens when the young lady has lost her father. The controlling boyfriend may make her feel secure, filling a huge hole left by her father. Although you have given her the most loving home, adopted kids in my experience often suffer extra problems in life. I certainly would worry about this young man. Raised in a cult with a poor view of women, it's as if he doesn't know how to express love any other way but by controlling everything. There may also be some mental illness in your daughters family, sadly, as it is partly genetic and she seems to be self harming at the moment. I'm glad you are seeking professional help but please know you have done your best, sometimes time is the best healer when youngsters go off the rails for a bit. Teenagers...who'd be one, it's such a difficult time for them...let's hope she gets better as she matures. Xxx

  • smiddy3

    Your daughter is 18 and I presume that is the age of consent and if so your daughter has made her bed and now has to lie in it .

    In other words she has to take responsibility for her own actions and take the consequences either good or bad it has been her choice.

    What you need to do is back off and allow her to make her own choices in life yet be prepared to pick up the pieces for as long as you can .

    If she is determined to live in a way that is destructive or destroying her life in spite of all you have tried to do for her ,then you have to know when enough is enough and cut the ties.

    People cannot live other peoples lives for them they must take responsibility for their own lives.

  • Vanderhoven7

    Amen to that.

  • GrreatTeacher

    Yes, she is extending one olive branch, and that is the invitation to her high school graduation.

    If you refuse that, it might cement in her mind that you really don't care, and she might have difficulty turning to you if she actually does want out of her situation.

    People who feel they have no one to turn to will feel helpless and stay in bad situations far longer than they might otherwise.

  • RunAwayDaughter
    • Thank you again for everyone's comments. I actually got a good nights sleep last night. It is early in my therapy, so it has not helped me - yet - feel better. However, getting everyone's perspective has been like a much needed support group.

      LoisLane mentioned that my daughter is being cruel. My mother, sister and friends would agree. At first I tried to figure out why (detested her life or hormonal love or loss of father or whatever). I've accepted that the what doesn't matter so much now because I can't fix the situation - just drop the rope.

      I have talked with her friends, teachers, etc and all have said the same thing - that she was sweet, well-mannered, quiet, loved fashion, typical teenage girl stuff and everyone is shocked by her actions because it is out of character. However, I know she is headstrong. We butted heads many times because I did not let her do everything she wanted to do - most of it was about going to expensive concerts, buying makeup, eating out, lavish birthday parties, etc... None of us will ever have the same relationship we did with her, but I was expecting these relationships to change as she matured - I just didn't expect it change in literally minutes.

      I'm sure she does feel like she has the upper hand because she knows I'm hurting. I have told her that I love her and accepted her decision to leave. I don't approve. So, I'm working on dropping the rope.

      Regarding her graduation, I can't attend. Her brother and she were suppose to graduate together in June. I planned and paid for a surprise trip to the United Kingdom to visit with their grandmother, aunt and cousins and to spread their father's ashes in Wales where he grew up and played cricket. I can't cancel the airline tickets, AirBNB, etc. We will be in Wales while she is graduating in California with her boyfriend's two cousins. When I told her about the trip, she accused me of trying to bribe her to come home. I was simply telling her why I could not be at her graduation.

      Even if I could afford to cancel the trip, I would not because I have to think about my son who is graduating. It would not be fair to him.

      Regarding forgiveness, I forgave her the day she walked out - that doesn't mean that I approved. Since she left, I've uncovered so much information that caused me great concern. Again, I keep telling myself within the 24 hours - drop the rope.

      Yes, adopted kids have to deal with loss at an early age - the loss of biological parents. We were in support groups with other adopted kids for years so that our kids were know that they were not alone. And, it was obvious they were adopted (my Welsh husband had red hair and beard, I'm Southern, two Asian children and one Pacific Island child - we stood out wherever we went.) And, yes there could mental illness in her family. With adoptions from China, you have no family background, so that is a really possibility - another reason why I was hoping she would attend the session with the psychologist this week.

      While I'm far from being at peace, I feel so much better reading everyone's thoughts, concerns and advice. Thank you for being here for someone you don't know. Please pray for her safety and that her eyes will be open to the truth.

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