Cousin's Runaway Girlfriend Living with us

by RunAwayDaughter 48 Replies latest jw friends

  • Old Navy
    Old Navy

    Most interesting story and commentary!

    It would seem that your vulnerable daughter has has fallen under the spell of a very skillful manipulator who is possibly a narcissist. Unfortunately, these kinds of "high control" situations never have happy endings. A "Cult of One" can be very difficult to break free from.

    Make the trip to discover all you can about the family, the young man who has infatuated your daughter to the point of controlling her and the health of your daughter. If she is to be rescued it must be done before too much time has gone by. Best done by professionals.

  • Incognito

    Welcome to the forum RunAwayDaughter.

    I was happy to see Diogenesister mentioned the loss of her father as being related to her actions. That too was my thought when reading your earlier comments.

    As your daughter is usually quiet and behaves in a predictable manner, perhaps the loss of your husband affected her more than you or her brothers realized. Since you were all deep in grief (understandable), she may have felt there was no one available to discuss the loss she was feeling.

    The boyfriend (you didn't mention his age) likely provided her with attention and a listening ear that she needed. Unfortunately, her mental state would leave her vulnerable to being easily influenced.

    While she may eventually recognize she made a mistake in leaving home, as the BF is controlling and without her own money, may feel somewhat trapped and may be reluctant to express that she wants to return home, especially when reflecting on the behaviour she had shown to you and her brothers.

    I suspect her desire to want to talk to a counsellor may have been related to discussing the loss of her father, not necessarily about leaving home - not yet. Unfortunately, JWs are taught to believe psychiatry and counselling are wrong and so the JWs she is staying with may have convinced her to not follow through with the appointment you set up.

  • RunAwayDaughter

    Here is the latest update:

    She finally called me Sunday night to tell me she made an A in English. I could tell she was upset. I told her I was proud of her and if she were here, I would give her a great big hug. She started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she missed us and asked if she could visit during her brother's Spring Break. Her oldest brother's birthday is April 1, so we talked about her coming home for his birthday and staying a couple of weeks. She also said she was finishing up her high school work and would graduate early. I invited her to come with us to Britain to see her grandmother, her two cousins and aunt (one cousin had her first baby yesterday - March 18 - and Ciara has been so excited about Becky's pregnancy). I told her we had rented a house next door to Becky and her aunt rented a house in Wales so the entire family can honor her father by spreading some of his ashes in the Welsh mountains and on the cricket field where he played. She said she would like that and would think about it. We discussed her coming home to visit March 25 and returning April 11. I sent her the information to her email address.

    This morning, she sent "Is there any chance for us to fly out April 1st? I've made a commitment to Bryan & hs family on March 31st."

    I wrote back that April 1 is her brother's birthday and I'm going to be with him. I asked her to call me so we could look at options together. (I couldn't believe she wanted me to fly to get her on brother's birthday after saying she wanted to be there for him.)

    Long story short, she called me this afternoon - much happier. I told her that she Bryan and she said that his family is very "family oriented" and that they should understand her wanting to spend that Sunday with her brother and family. Also, her brother, who is learning disabled (complex II mitochondrial disease) is excited about her coming home for his birthday. He is only three months older they her and they grew up like twins.

    I asked if the commitment was related to the JW church. She said yes. She said it was a special meeting that happens once a year and it was a really big deal. I asked if she attending JW meetings and she confirmed that she is studying to become a witness. (Finally, a grain of truth!) I stayed calm.

    I asked if Bryan was a witness. She said yes. I asked wasn't he shunned. She said yes, but he was working to get "reinstated." I asked wasn't it against JW for them to be living together and having sex? Couldn't they both be shunned for that. She said yeah, but didn't address it and I didn't push it. She said she was going to send a link so I could learn more about JW - a publication with daily "devotionals." I told her to send it that I was open to learning more (I said that to keep the lines of communication open. No offense to anyone, but I'm happy being Methodist.)

    We discussed the dates of the trip to come home. I explained that since she is becoming a JW, this would probably be her last trip home, so it was important that she stay two-three weeks. Also, this would be the last birthday she celebrated and she could always celebrate the annual event. She didn't argue the point - I think she knows that she will have to give up her family. (I think she was crying Sunday because her boyfriend and she got into an argument, not because she misses us. If she missed us, she would want to stand up for her family.)

    I asked about the trip to Britain to celebrate the baby's birth, honor her father and celebrate their graduation. She said she was not going because she would rather walk the stage with Bryan's cousins. I said okay. She said that she would FaceTime me tonight to talk with her brothers and grandmother, who was in the hospital last night. And, to firm up the dates for the visit home. She never called. And, she never sent the link to the JW information.

    She is getting sucked in to the cult. I'm in South Carolina and she is in Arleta, CA. Other than waiting for her to come to her senses, do you have any recommendations or guidance?

  • Vidiot

    You need to get her to ask them, "how often does the Watchtower Society get things wrong?"

    Among many, many other things.

    BTW, in my opinion, if this boyfriend is a gun nut with a propensity for violence, he's probably not gonna get reinstated any time soon (if only because his presence will embarrass his family's congregation), and even if he does, he'll fall off the wagon pretty son after.

  • Brenda Cook
    Brenda Cook

    Vidot - This is the girl's grandmother. He hides the guns at his uncle's house - who is not JW.

    I don't understand how she can be going through classes while living with him and having sex. Looks like they would not baptize her - or is all that okay until she actually becomes a JW.

    I wondered if that had a fight Sunday night and that was why she was crying and missed us. I just wish whatever happened would happen again soon. I just wish I were there to be able to go get her to at least hug her when she is down.

    If she wanted to leave, no one is there to get her. She is alone except for the JW. All her family and friends are in South Carolina.

    So by the time we could get there and get her, the JW can turn her.

  • All or nothing
    All or nothing

    Don't worry about that happening so fast, students have to study at least 1 book, answer a bunch of questions- jump thru a bunch of hoops before they can get baptized. If she is sleeping with the kid, that's already against the rules and makes her disqualified

  • Brenda Cook
    Brenda Cook

    If she is sleeping with the kid (22 year old man), that's already against the rules and makes her disqualified. Best news I've had all day. But how would the church know?

  • Wakanda

    Arleta California is part of the Los Angeles metro area, right?,_Los_Angeles

    Try to find former JWs in LA that you could get to know. Keep posting here, as that may help. Arleta looks like just a tiny neighborhood north of LA. Anyway, maybe getting to know an exjw that could come to her aid when she is upset and wants out. AND more precisely before the JWs can turn her again with their love bombing and mind control as Brenda wisely alluded to.

    Maybe try Zeb of I'm Worldly on Youtube. He may know some ex-sisters in the area. He is in Santa Monica, which is close to LA. There is also another exjw in Santa Monica, Adrian of Down with the Tower on Youtube. He is a father and I think he is married. These people will get you started with contacts. Message them privately on Youtube, or email Zeb, and remember those private messages on Youtube can never be deleted. So, if someone is in your account and wants to read them, they can.

  • Brenda Cook
    Brenda Cook

    Someone needs to inform the church. All the JWs in Arleta, CA located in Los Angeles need to be notified. How would they be notified and would they take action or even believe it.

  • All or nothing
    All or nothing

    Ask her the name and phone number of her bible teacher, and then tell that woman or called sister in (JW language)she is sexually active with him. That sister will have to report it to the elders of the congregation/ or church also known as Kingdom Hall. Also if you can find out the name of the congregation they belong to, you can call and speak with the head elder also known as coordinator of body of elders.

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