For those without mothers

by Lady Lee 59 Replies latest jw friends

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  Scout

  What powerful posts. Thanks to all for sharing their stories - it really helps me in my healing process. You are amazing people - thank you for being so open and honest. Words cannot express how you've touched my heart.

  This week I've been feeling sad - I think because everybody at work was discussing what they were doing for Mother's Day - and my mom (and dad) have chosen to be out of my life. Yes, the JW shunning thing. I'm not DA'd or DF'd - I've done the fade away - but being the strict unbalanced people they are, they are shunning me. I think last month was 4 years that we haven't seen or spoken to each other.

  Most of the time, I know it is the best way. It is not a healthy relationship and I went through depression & suicidal thoughts until I went into 3 years of therapy to start the healing of the JW's & losing family & friends.

  I'm not angry. It's just a sad thing. That some parents can only love their children with conditions and what's worse - teach their children that God only loves them with conditions! Yikes.

  Whether you have your mom around or not, have a wonderful Sunday! I'll be thinking of you.
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  ESTEE

  Bless everyone on this thread!! You are a gift in my life this weekend!!

  You have given me an idea....since my mom died four years ago.....and find myself grieving for her today....I am going to buy a potted plant to put outside on my balcony, to honor and memoralize her......to nurture her memory....forever!

  Love you all!

  ESTEE
• 

  cruzanheart

  Wow. I don't think I've ever felt closer to all of you than I did while reading this thread. We all have so much pain in varying degrees, don't we? But we're doing a good thing: we're NOT passing on this heritage to our children. We're changing the future for them, and that's really great. Like Chris, I look at our children and realize they're not going to feel the same pain that he does, or the self-esteem issues that I have -- they're not going to wonder if they're good enough, or if God likes them -- of course he does! Jackson once said, when he was about 2, very complacently: "Everyone loves Jackson." May that never change for them, and for your children and grandchildren. May our experiences with the Witnessses make better parents out of us. May all of you have peace and a wonderful, satisfying Mother's Day. I love you all.

  As for my mother, I'm going to take her a new pair of shoes and some flowers, and all of us will give her hugs and wish her a Happy Mother's Day. She may smile, or she may not even be aware we are there. But it is the thought that counts, the recognition of her position in this world, because I am very glad to be alive, and she was a fun mom sometimes. In another life I may even have liked her more.

  Nina
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  Sunspot

  Sunspot please do share ,,,,,,,,,it helps us all,,,,,,,,,,,it really does. We all have different stories and circumstances, and we all hurt. Hope you do write what you were going to.

  Even thou I know , I will never get to talk to my Mom again,,,,,,,, I get so much hope , and happiness to hear that there may be a chance for others to reconnect with their moms, and other family members.

  It is great to know that maybe the WT doesnt have the last word after all, sometimes, family comes around and the ties that were broken can be mended, and that makes me feel so proud, and proud for those who are standing up for what they believe in , even thou painful,,,,,,,,,,,,Because in the end,,,,,,, they may win back their families, without sacrificing what they stand for , believe in.

  Thanks so much, LyinEyes.........What a thoughtful post...with ME in mind. It was a very sweet thing to do, and I've thought about coming back to write "what I was going to" quite a bit. MY mother was much like others have told about, cold and unloving. I ran off at age 17 with the first boy that would help me escape the atmosphere I lived in (THAT lasted seven horrible years).....she still spoke to me, but there was NEVER a closeness that I'd have given ANYTHING for. I just couldn't please her no matter what. A lot of things I was doing irritated her, and when I became a JW, those "practices" stopped (which were TAME by today's standards, BTW :o) but THAT severed the small bonds....when I stopped the birthdays, Christmases, etc. The weird thing WAS, that (we lived 10 minutes from each other) she never sent ME a B'day card, or stopped by with a gift...it was so stupid, and I cried on every birthday I can remember before I was baptized in 1972, so I could never figure out what the big deal was...... When we (my 2nd husband and 5 kids) decided to move to another state, my parents then totally disowned me, said *I* had "severed the family ties" (what family ties?) and have not spoken to me since then.....1973. My Mother died a year and a half ago, hating me.......so I can relate to so many others here. My mother ( AND father) had the JW mentality without being JWs. And I never knew why, except that I was a "disappointment" to them. (They were HORRIFIED when I used to go door-to-door where they lived---the CITY---not their neighborhood!) And now, I have an Elderette daughter who treats me the same way......with disdain, because I'm NOT a JW! "Mother's Day" doesn't mean a whole lot to me.......except that my hubby bought me a beautiful patio set for Mother's Day......:o) Hugs to all of you, Annie
• 

  Lady Lee

  Hope all of you have a great day.

  For those of you who can find a positive way to honor your mothers today - go for it. Make it YOUR day.

  For those who cannot find much to honor about your mothers I hope you find a way to honor YOURSELF today

  I started this thread thread with a poem I wrote on the spur of the moment called I wish. But no matter how much I wish I know my mother won't change. Even if she left the Borg she is who she is both before and during her life as a JW. They say that people really don't change that much as they get older. Miserable people get more miserable. Nice people ger nicer. At this point in my mother's life the entire family knows how miserable she is and how she keeps everyone so distant from her.

  I still go through periods where I wish things were different. But they are short and usually are worse at this time of year. I feel more pity and sadness for her than I do anger. She will never know her daughter's love because she refuses to let it in. I know that I cannot stand in front of her and be hurt anymore. So I choose distance.

  My mother-in-law is coming to visit today. Her plane lands at 4 this afternoon. I like her. Caustic, funny and vibrant. And my girls will call. Mother's Day is what I make it

  Make yours good too. ((((((Hugs))))) to all of you and thanks for sharing

  Lee
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  Big Tex

  Well we woke up this morning to a pleasant surprise. Our 9 year old, Jennie, had "made" breakfast for Nina. She put a cinnamon roll on a plate with OJ, two paper flowers and Nina's vitamins on a cookie sheet. Then when Nina got up, she gave her mother a present she had made at school. Jackson gave her a card he had made.

  All is well. And yet, I can't help but look back at the darkness we all came from. So much waste. So much pain. And if indeed there is a way to create life from death, then the next generation will not feel that pain. And we owe that life to the child we were and remember what we were and what we wanted to be.

  Peace and love to all.
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  berylblue

  You have given me an idea....since my mom died four years ago.....and find myself grieving for her today....I am going to buy a potted plant to put outside on my balcony, to honor and memoralize her......to nurture her memory....forever!

  A beautiful idea. My ex-Catholic mother has been dead for 23 years...still miss her...

  Gloria and Colleen, please call, please?

  Mom
• 

  safe4kids

  Well, I've put off reading this thread because I've convinced myself that I've healed and gone beyond the loss of my mother and father but of course that isn't entirely true. I want to express hugs and love to all of those here who have shared their pain; I kinda feel at a loss for words.

  My mom is still alive and still a dub, don't see that changing during her lifetime. I've been estranged from her since one of my children was molested by a family member and, instead of following the advice of the elders, I took care of my child. That caused the police to get involved, prosecution and a conviction of the molestor...it also caused a rift that apparently will never heal. I can forgive, and have forgiven, my mother for not taking care of me as a child when I was abused; I can forgive her, and have, for not supporting me as an adult when I was healing from being abused. What I cannot forget is that she was willing, in fact DEMANDED, that I not take care of MY child...her grandchild! My kid was 6 years old and had to go thru so much trauma and my mother stated that she hoped, she HOPED for god's sake! that my kid would have to go thru testifying on the stand so that I could get a little glimpse of the pain that SHE (my mother) was in. She also stated that she hoped one day I would have to deal with one of my children being a molestor and then I would see what it had been like for her.

  I don't know why my mother is unable to put her pain aside in light of the pain of her grandchild and daughter (although I have some ideas). There is nothing I wouldn't do for my children; there is nothing that could separate me from the love I have for them, not that I would be accepting and condoning of all of their behavior of course, but to stop loving them and actually wish for them to hurt??! I can't fathom that.

  Of course, since I left the borg, I've given them an excuse to hate me even more, but if I'm honest, the hate was there from the time I did what my mother couldn't or wouldn't do for her child...I put my kid first. What else can a mother do??

  So mom, it's mother's day, something we've never shared and likely never will. We haven't talked in years and you have no idea what wonderful, intelligent, kind, loving and well adjusted grandchildren you have. You don't see your grandson growing up, at 11 years old almost as tall as me. You don't get to see what a wonderful sense of humor he has and the incredibly fascinating way that his mind works. You haven't shared the awards ceremonies, nor cuddled with him on the couch (which yes, he still allows me to do occasionally!). And you haven't been here to see the pain and the tears that losing his "Grandma Penny" caused.

  You haven't seen your granddaughter, who just turned 10 two weeks ago. She's beautiful, mom. She's such a kind and loving person, she's also very confident, something you and I never were. She's in 4th grade and reads/comprehends at a 10th grade level. She loves animals, she loves her friends, she loves her family and she STILL cries and misses you. You missed her first season of softball...she won a trophy for good sportsmanship; she's very proud of that. Most of all, what you're missing, what YOU have cut yourself off from, is the love and affection that pours out of her. She and I have a relationship that, sadly, you and I never had.

  Soooo...thanks Mom...thanks for teaching my children the meaning of loss at an early age. And thank you for teaching me how NOT to be a mother.

  Dana
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  Lady Lee

  (((Dana))) It is remarkable to me that so many of us who weren't mothered find ways to give what we didn't get. And THAT is what Mother's Day - every day is all about
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  berylblue

  You're all beautiful....much love to all of you

  Rosemarie