I used to think about suicide a lot. I would say from my early teens up through my early to mid twenties it was probably the subject I spent the most time thinking about. I only made two serious attempts but I had thought about and planned it for months beforehand. I was always a big chicken and only attempted when my back was against the wall and there was no other choice from my perspective. Up until I had a child I always considered it an option. Then things got complicated and whether to live or die was no longer a choice to make. After I found out that the religion was a fraud things got better and I no longer thought about suicide at all. I felt like I could tackle any problem and fight my way to where I want too be and not allow them to steal anymore of my life. Lately though, I would say within the past few months I've noticed the old thoughts slipping back in little by little. I dont think of suicide as an option and dont really dwell on it but the thoughts just pop into my head sometimes and I have found myself just wishing I had succeeded when I had the chance since its no longer an option. I was feeling so positive about life and I didnt think I would ever have those feelings again. In a way now is worse then back then because at least then I had a way out if I needed it. Now its like being trapped and tortured instead...which can be worse than death sometimes imo.
Considered Suicide ?
Do you have depression of any type?
From the time I was concieved I wasn't wanted. Many times my Mom told the story of being "surprised" by yet another baby (I was the third of five) and that she had my younger brother so I would have someone to play with. I internalized this to be "I wasn't good enough for her to spend time with." On top of simply knowing she didn't plan me, she was happy with two kids, I never felt wanted or loved.
Being raise in an alcoholic family is difficult for the children. I felt unloved (my Daddy woudn't drink if I was _____). Compound that with never being enough in the B'organization. Later marring an alcoholic he was so familar just like my Dad. My suicidal thoughts were daily, I spent the first 36 years wanting to die.
It all came to a head for me when I took my oldest son for suicide prevention by order of the courts and hearing him tell the counsler about his wish to die devestated me. I love my son more than anything in the world and yet I had passed this on to him even though I was trying my very best to let him know how much I loved him, it wasn't working. I was so angry and told the counsler, in fact I think I yelled it out..."How dare he act out my wish!" That was the bottom for me and the beginning of getting help for myself and my family.
Soon after I was in therapy and did a group therapy Decision not to kill myself. It was gut wrenching emotional work at the time but the work and the Decision which I wrote down, I daily worked on for months (nearly two years). Slowly I could see how my decision to stay alive was taking over and my thoughts to die became weaker. This was about 12 years ago. I have had thoughts of killing myself since then, three times.......once with a gun to my head but I didn't know how to get it off safety. The last time was 2 years ago, the last Memorial I attended my X had earlier that day raked me over the coals and I really wanted to die very badly........I did some more serious work on my Decision not to kill myself for a few weeks.
I know this is a strong feeling deep within myself, but my life is so much more than just me. I've learned coping tools to get me through even the mere thoughts of suicide, I just won't go there anymore. I'm worth so much more than that. So is my family I wouldn't want to leave suicide as a family legacy. I have a wonderful husband who shows me how much he loves me in so many ways and I really for the first time can feel that I'm loved. My heart has opened up to life, to happiness and joy. I know I wouldn't be experiencing this if I hadn't done the work to get here.
Bottom line to anyone who is suicidal, feelings come and go never do anything drastic when you are feeling suicidal. Cry, scream, rant, rave, hit a pillow, lay down on the floor and have a real hissy fit! Feel as bad as it feels at the time.........it will pass, you will emerge stronger! Then do some work on the "whys" of how you got to feeling so bad in the first place. Get help! You are worth it! From the bottom of my heart know you are worth it!
Believe me if I can get over this anyone can!
Gumby, Yea, Situational Depression..as in if my situation didnt suck I wouldnt be depressed! ;) j/k. Seriously, yea its possible its a hereditary thing where I am maybe predisposed to depression. Being a jw only aggravated the situation a lot but it I think I would have had mild depression anyway. It sucks too cause I doubt anyone has ever wanted to be or tried to be happy more than me and yet not a single day comes to mind where I can say I truly was. Hmmm...I'm sure there would have to be a few though.
Flower - why is your situation depressing? I am asking because my son, 15, is being diagnosed with manic depression. I need help! Can you please enlighten me?
I have had major problems with coming to deal with JW's being a false witness. My son was not brought up as a JW, but he is depressed.
Could you possibly enlighten me on depression? I thought I knew but apparently I am totally ignorant on the subject.
---thoughts just pop into my head sometimes and I have found myself just wishing I had succeeded when I had the chance since its no longer an option.----
My son has tried. I can not consede to losing him. Pleae help me understand. Please help me help him. I can not bare to lose him.
I understand completely. My whole family is in except two sisters.
Hang in there,
You are worth it! From the bottom of my heart know you are worth it!
Yep I agree. YOU are absolutely worth it. I'm glad you fought through it. Sometimes there's a little gift at the end of the rainbow. I am so happy that you and Craig have each other.
Bikerchic, I just loved everything you said in your post.......... especially about crying, into a pillow, screaming if you have to , or just have a hissy fit........ that is great advice.
So many times people with depression, especially JW's and even more so the d/f JW's who still believe or are tormented by shunning and guilt are never taught it is ok to let it all out like you said.
I wish to God, that you would have been my mom's friend , when she needed one. Her own sister and mother who were not JW's didnt even reach out to her , they live an hour away and always had their own lives. I swear my dad only was sick of my mother's depression , her physical pain and her drug addiction to pain pills to even care the last few years of her life. I can say he really did hang in there with her when they should have split up long ago, if not for being JW's. He was awful to live with to and made her feel worse about herself.
Being an elders wife of a big congregation, I imagine my mother had no one to really talk to in the congregation. I mean when you your hubby is the top dog elder, you cant go to the other elders for help. There was no one in the congregation my mom could turn to , there was alot of gossipers and general trouble between so many of the sisters at that time.
My mom had a really good friend , but she d/a herself because of leaving her husband and hooking up with another man, this really hurt my mom.
I tried to be my mom's friend , and was her confidant for alot of things, but I was just her daughter and young and Mama needed someone her own age to tell her secrets to. She needed someone she could trust , someone to tell her the truth , someone who wouldnt look at the money and privledge she had and judge her that she shouldnt be depressed. My mom suffered alone for years and was alone the night she took her life.
Suffering alone must be the most terrible thing in the world, especially when you think even God doesnt listen anymore and has shunned you as well, as my mom thought.
I just think that someone like you Bikerchic , Billygoat , BIg Tex, Nina, and so many others would have been so wonderful for my mother to have. But we all know in that organization things are kept so quiet , all the pain and suffering is supposed to go away with more works by the depressed person, more service more meetings. What they really need is someone like Jesus would have been to them, to put their arms around them and tell them this will pass, but until it does I am here to hold your hand thru it, so they never feel alone.
So many of you here are just wonderful in my book, reaching out to strangers over the internet , but really feeling it in your heart to help them, is what I am sure being a true Christain is all about. God bless you all, you may never know how many lives you have saved by your words and deeds .
If it were not for reading the post about the couple resorting to suicide, I wouldn't have posted this subject matter. After reading the many experiences, I'm glad I did. Forums of this nature is suppose to help one another.
I have read so many of your posts about your Mom and I feel so sad always for the little girl who just wanted a Mama. I feel that loss too, it touches me deeply and I always want to give you a hug! You are such a caring person and have shown that to your own children, I think that is wonderful and the best way you can undo some of what you experienced as a child, to not pass it on. You are doing such a wonderful job I wish I could put my words out here like you do, you help so many.
Thanks for thinking I would be a good person in your Mom's life. I sure would have wanted the opportunity to have known her and would have tried to help her for sure. I'm not sure l would have made a difference when someone is so tortured with life. I would have just been another person who reminded them how much I cared for them. I say this because I have a sister who is mentaly ill and fights daily to live, she has given up the fight several times.......I always worry about her and it's so sad when you have no control over the demons that rule their thoughts. My sister's story is much like mine only she has schizophrenia life is a daily struggle for her and being a JW sure beats her down with the "you can never do enough" crap. Sorry I'm venting.......but thanks Dede for the kind words it mean a lot to me especially coming from you, I think we are kindered spirits.
Thanks! You are such a kind hearted man! And yes I am so happy I found Craig too!!!!
PS the pillow therapy I believe is Gestalt therapy, cool stuff!