Considered Suicide ?

by Guest 77 64 Replies latest jw friends

  • ballistic

    By the way, I am the one who knew the couple in question, who committed suicide. My best mate also died in a head on collision which was suspected suicide, and I also thought about it as a witness and just after exiting.

  • Francois

    Dede, what was the story with your mother? Was she bi-polar?


  • LyinEyes

    Francois,,,,,, about my mother,,,,,,,I dont have all of the answers , I wish I did.

    I personally think she was bipolar, just on going back remembering things she did, things she said, and the way she acted at times.........even before the prescription drug abuse really kicked in strong.

    She married my dad at 15, I was born a little before she turned 17 and she told me that I was a planned baby. Things were alot different back then,,,,,we are from the south, and at the time there was still alot of racism going on. My dad is french/indian and very dark , actually we look very latino, well I am dark but my dad and the rest of my cousins etc., are very dark, I am not so dark because Mama was Irish, red hair blue eyes,,,,,,,,,,,, point mother's dating and marriage to my dad was considered something shameful to my grandmother and her upper class friends. My grandmother never forgave my mother for marrying my dad. They had problems for years and years, and my grandmother was crazy,,,,,, seriously mean and evil in the way she treated both her daughters, but not her only son.

    My mother wanted her love so bad, and for years tried . My mother wanted my dad to give her more of himself, with time and patience and tenderness. Instead he gave her all the material things she could want and then some. In her case money didnt fill her emptiness.

    She suffered from many aches and pains, that I suspect it was fibromyalgia, which I too have and I can remember mama having me rub her muscles in her legs and just crying in pain. Back then there was no name for it. She also had migraines, ( my oldest son and I both have these too,,,,,,it has run in four generations so far),,,,,, and she was introduced to pain pills at 23 when she had a complete hysterectomy. My grandmother condemned her for this, even thou it saved her life and told my mother she was not a real woman anymore. That is just one example of what she did to my mom.

    Mama, went in and out of rehabs, with improvement some years, and relapses the next and life went on like this for years.

    It got real bad the last two years before my mom killed herself. She was drugged up all the time, instead of just weekends. It was all day long,,,,,She went to the meetings this way, staggering down the aisle, falling asleep in her food, many trips to the ER, mainly I took her, Dad was always working.

    We confronted her on so many times, threw her pills away, confronted the doctors who gave them to her,,,,,she would just find a way to do it anyway. She took so much stuff for pain , including aspirin that she had a stomach ulcer and it bled out,,,,,,,, It was the day after we got back from the district convention.

    Daddy told me to go check on her , she was calling for me upstairs , we were already working in the office , so I walked back to the house to check on her. She was green looking, sweating, and shaking really bad and scared to death. I drove her to the doctors office first thing. They knew something was wrong and sent her in an ambulance to the ER,,,,,,,,,,by the time she got to the ER , she vomited large volumns of blood,,,,,,,,her blood count went down to 8 in just a short time. When I got there,,,it was an awful sight, and they said she was going to die if she didnt get a blood transfusion. Mama grabbed my hand and made me promise they would give her no blood. I had to stand there and tell them that. My dad didnt show up for along time. She got worse , so was so bad , they called us in to say our goodbyes 3 times , since she wouldnt take blood , there was no hospital in Shreveport , and there were about 6 big hospitals in town at that time, no one would take her and they said nothing could be done here.

    We hired our own LifeFlight to take her to Houston, Texas, St Lukes, as a last chance to save her, at this hospital they had saved a few JW's with other non blood methods. When she got there they took pictures of her for the medical books , showing what someone with a blood count of 2 looked like and other details about her conditions.

    Well,,,,,,,,,,,she lived,,,,,,,,,,,she fought the fight , in 2 months was released from ICU, and She seemed to have faced death and saw it up close and personal. I knew, she would be so much better now and see that she was strong and could do anything she put her mind to.

    A few months later, My dad and her , were back to the coldness, it was this time I suspect my dad started having the affair with the sister in our congregation. Mom got on the pills again, and in no time, I was loading her in the car for another stomach pumping. THis time she was in rehab for 2 months.

    SHe came out a different person. She faced off with her parents, I faced off with her in these family marathons, or group sessions. We got it all out and my mom found out about the affair,,,,,,,,this sister my dad was seeing was only 8 yrs older than me and I couldnt stand her, she was in our congregation.

    Mama , didnt fight for him, she started smoking and when she got out of rehab got her own apt, and married an ex green barret she meat in the chemical dependency unit. He was using my mom as a meal ticket and she knew it. But he said things that she wanted to hear. Things got bad between them when , this man she just married tried to hurt my younger sister, my mother got a firepoker and busted his head open. He still came at her , and she grabbed the gun from her purse and fired........but my sister took the bullets it just clicked, this stunned them both and he backed off .

    My mother told me that he said he would get her back for what she did to him one day. My mom told me alot of things he said he was going to do to me and my sister, just to hurt her.

    I know this is a crazy and twisted story , but this is how it was.

    There is a shadow of doubt in my mind that my mother did kill herself that night. Her husband at the time lied about his whereabouts, about scratches on his face and arms, I still wonder what he did or what he knows.

    My father, was under suspision by everyone also,,,,,,,,,,, even the elders, that is why he can never be an elder again,because after 18 yrs people still talk , still wonder.

    My dad got a huge life insurance policy off of my mom's death , and my sister and I didnt get a dime of it. IT all went to him and benefited his new girlfriend and her daughter. My dad also cheated me out of 190,000.00 that was supposed to be my part of my mom's divorce settlement. I dont know how I signed it away, but I know my dad was taking care of all of my mom's funeral arrangements and didnt want her new husband to get anything. I have heard you can sign away things so easily ,especially when you are young and trusting of a parent as i was my dad at 18. There is a legal name for it called undue parental influence. something like that.......

    So in the end, my dad benefited the most from my mom's death in a finacial way, even got out of trouble with the IRS.

    The ruling of her death was probable suicide by drowning. There is no way to know if someone pushed her to her death or she did it herself. There was no note, no signs, and I talked to her a few hours before and had no idea of that kind of distress ,,,,,,,, but I do know , that she may have not wanted me to know.

    I know in the weeks before this she stilled beleived in Jehovah God, felt doomed to destruction and that he didnt love her anymore. She was ate up with guilt over the abuse/neglect of my sister and me, and she felt she couldnt be forgiven for all she had done. I told her that was in the past , and God did love her and quoted comforting scriptures,,,,,,,,I think she wanted to believe them, but the pain was very heavy on her.

    If you ask me if I think she did it herself or if she was murdered................????????? I can tell you arguments for both sides of a theory and not one side is more clear cut than the other. And this was the shortened version too. I still to this day, do not know for sure,,,,,,,although I do know my mom was capable of it, she did threaten to kill herself and her life was pretty crappy most of the time.

    But that one night it happened, things just don't add up. I guess I will never know in this lifetime.

    * Let this be a sobering thought for anyone who may be thinking of suicide......... it hurts for along time after it is done,,,,,,,,,,,, for those you leave behind,,,,,,,parents, relatives, friends, the community, and even your future grandchildren,,,,,,,,, it effects us all..................and I would find no greater happiness than to see my mother , live her golden years doing all the things she loved and for her to be happy,,,,,,,, I can picture her being happy , and it is so sad I will never see that for her *

  • patio34

    While I would say "no, I haven't considered suicide" that would have to be a qualified no.

    I did have what a therapist called "suicide ideation" a few times in my life. This was when flashes of ways I could die (usually violent) went thru my mind uninvited. It was just random flashing: a picture of a giant saw quickly severing me in half, etc.

    One time when these were occurring was when I was undergoing cancer treatment and felt ill all the time. Another time was when a family member was putting me thru hell.

    My therapist said these flashes (suicide ideation) are indicative of serious distress. Normally, I never have them. If they ever do occur, i know there are some adjustments to be made in my life.

    Now, if I were to become terminally ill and in pain, I would opt for self-termination rather than suffer and put my family thru it too. There's a book about how to do it called Final Exit.



  • LyinEyes

    Patio, I have had those many times, thinking of ways to off myself but never really wanting to, because of my family. I guess I have been down that road and would not want to put them thru that. I even decided to make myself go thru the motions of life , and try to just exsist even thou I felt so much pain in my mind, and was so tired. I thought that I loved them , my family, so much that I would just live , no matter how much I wanted to just go to sleep and not wake up, at least they would not have to say goodbye to me , I really love them more than I can ever hurt them by taking my life.

    Now,,,,,,,,,,,,,,what if you instead of having suicidial ideals, have murderous ones. I hated someone so bad for awhile that I used to think of ways of hurting them. Seriously, it was after my mom killed herself and I blamed them for what I really consider having a part in her death.

    I am pretty much over those feelins, I But boy, I have dreams I am slapping the hell out of a few people over this same old stuff.

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