I'm a coward.

by cappytan 37 Replies latest jw friends

  • DesirousOfChange

    Cappy, google: "toxic parents". Lots of good info out there. Set boundaries. Be firm (not mean).

    Good luck!


  • Oubliette

    DOC: Set boundaries. Be firm (not mean).

    I'm with DOC on this one. You need to redefine your relationship.

    Here's an older thread you may appreciate:

    Relationship Issues: Boundaries, Freedom of Choice and Codependency

  • cappytan

    We have been setting hard boundaries for quite a while. My Dad gets it. He backs off. My mom, on the other hand, plays the victim any time we give her any push back.

    I'm at my wits end when it comes to trying for a peaceful resolution to all this. My mother, though, keeps poking the bear, feeling entitled.

    It's time to end the relationship, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

  • baltar447
    You're not a coward dude. Just hang in there.
  • freemindfade

    You may not need to DA. Maybe if you cross that line into WT critic they'll back off out of fear. Or they will push you into DAing. I feel personally it's only a matter of time until I DA. But I still feel the right time for that is in the future. I wouldn't call anyone a coward for their calculated steps with this cult. But if you want to test your courage maybe try this.

    The arc is available publicly. Not on apostate sights. As a man with kids, you can say this is very disturbing and you need time to process the watchtower actions and ethics. And during that time because of your concern for your kids and the societies potential danger to children you are sequestering them from influence until you sort it out.

    Now they will probably shit their pants, tell you to talk to the elders and so on. But if you get the courage to push them over their cd limit they will leave you alone with out DA. Many people on here who have spoke their mind to the family have been shunned without DAing. Just think about that.

  • clarity

    Cappy.........she is not stupid .....she knows what she is doing. She knows all your buttons & when to push them! Deep down she still thinks of you as her 'little boy' that she can order around. She wants you to do as you are told! I am not kidding.

    Put on your BIG BOY PANTS now ........ actually this will help your Mother to grow-up!

    All the best from an old gal............


  • DesirousOfChange

    You may not need to DA. Maybe if you cross that line into WT critic they'll back off.

    This worked on my toxic mother. She was constantly hounding us about missing meetings and reminding us that we wouldn't make into the New World if we were "doing nothing about the Troof".

    I simply started asking her all the questions that you can't ask. I compared the present situation in the Borg to the faithful Israelites when under the Baal-worshipping kings & priests. What are we to do? Follow along and worship Baal? Or, sit back and "wait on Jehovah". (Stressing the sit back part of that. We're not making waves. We're not giving any "opposition". We're just "waiting".) She has finally resigned herself to the fact that that is how it is.

    At first she would ask an elder or even the CO one of "those" questions (because she could not answer them) and got accused of looking at apostate info. That actually opened her eyes somewhat, and she says she has quit donating.


  • punkofnice

    He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day.

  • John Aquila
    John Aquila

    Set up your phone with a recording that says;

    "The Network is down, please try your call later"

    Then send her a letter saying that she will have to write if she wants to communicate because the phone in your area has lots of problems with out of town calls.

    Letter writing takes long and will limit her.

  • breakfast of champions
    breakfast of champions

    No, you're not a coward.

    Here's an example of what I (with the help of my wife) did to end this kind of nonsense with my toxic mother:

    So years back (still an active, believing witness elder), I would get weekly calls from my mother where she'd push my buttons. I'd hang up, feeling angry, guilty, upset -- and this got my wife mad (don't get my wife mad!)

    So my wife wisely suggested that next time I get my call, put the speakerphone on and tell mother "I have you on speaker and Mrs BOC is listening."

    Well, wouldn't you know, next call comes, and I do exactly what my wife suggested. After telling my mother I had her on speaker, she seemed to forget why she called and asked about the weather or something like that. The exchange ended quickly and without any of the usual nonsense.

    I repeated this several weeks in a row, and guess what? Same thing. Eventually, calls from my mother ceased altogether. Now, I get a call from her once in a blue moon, and when she does call, she is on her "best behavior" even without my wife listening in.

    Why did this work? Because by putting my mother on speaker with my wife, my mother's "millieu control" was compromised. Controlling, abusive people don't like to appear controlling and abusive, so they do what they do out of sight/earshot or in secret. Taking away control of the "millieu" (in this case a private phone conversation) was enough to quash the controlling behavior, and over time it just ended.

    So if you can find some small but specific way of taking the control out of your mother's hands (and you would know how to do this better than me) it may just work.

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