I'm a coward.

by cappytan 37 Replies latest jw friends

  • Vidiot

    I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure not telling your Mom to "f**k off" isn't cowardice.

    Basic decency, maybe.

  • Stealth

    You are no coward. However, you should do your best to get the children out of the middle of the questioning.

  • kairos
    I just want to burn the bridge and be done with it. I have tried so many times to salvage the relationship.

    DF her from your family. Announce it to her and explain the reinstatement process and appeal options...

    Then shun the hell out of her!!!

    ( that wasn't nice, but it was fun to say )

  • KateWild

    It's time to end the relationship, but I just can't bring myself to do it. - Cappytan

    I don't think you're a coward..... I think you don't like upsetting you're mum or other family members.

    To DA is very final....and to cut all contact is final too. You have to do what's suits your household at the right time.

    I hope you have an idea of what you're going to do.

    Keep us informed

    Kate xx

  • dubstepped

    Even before DAing my parents were told in no uncertain terms that I didn't want to talk about the religion anymore. It was just a place I was unwilling to go. I told them I was struggling with it all and didn't want to be disrespectful so let's just leave it off the subject list for conversations. We can still talk about life. Unfortunately that's about all JWs have to talk about, but it did buy us time until we disassociated for good. We didn't know that was our inevitability, but we knew JW talk was highly upsetting.

    With that said, there sure is some beauty to the silence brought on by DAing. Hang in there. You're no coward. This is something tough that most people never have to face. Just the fact that you faced down your own belief structure is proof of more bravery than many possess.

  • GrreatTeacher

    If your mother is truly narcissistic then that is a different beast altogether than just parents that are unhappy that you are no longer in the cult. Narcissists feel extreme entitlement to cross boundaries.

    I had to choose my boundaries carefully and then when my mother crossed them tell her clearly that she had no right to do that and immediately hang up the phone.

    It's pure behaviorism, not unlike training your dog. She crosses a boundary, she immediately loses access to you. She finally learns that to get what she wants, which is to talk to you, she has to behave. No behaving, immediate loss of contact. Every time.

    But, choose your boundaries first. If it's not talking about religion, when she brings it up tell her that you're no longer going to discuss religion with her. If she contines (and narcissists will because they feel entitled) hang up the phone. Ignore the immediate call back.

    Then, after a length of time you are willing to accept contact from her (whatever boundary you decide, for example, weekly) answer the phone. Don't talk about the previous phone call. Continue talking as long as you want, but if she brings up religion again, hang up immediately.

    Decide your boundary regarding your kids, too. If you don't mind her talking to them, but you don't want her talking religion to them, set up skype sessions where you must always be there so she doesn't have unrestricted access to your kids. If she talks religion to them, end the skype session.

    These toxic personalities just don't take the hint. They bully people. So, don't feel bad about abruptly hanging up on them. That's the type of behavior they actually understand. Sometimes it's the only way to salvage any kind of relationship at all.

  • cha ching
    cha ching

    I actually think you had a great idea about the "I have read court cases, like Candace Conti, where elders testify about "watching a pedophile like a hawk" when really, only the three elders that testified claim to have watched "Jonathan Kendrick" like a hawk.

    In Trey Bundy's new story about Theocratic Warfare, https://www.revealnews.org/article/jehovahs-witnesses-can-hide-the-truth-in-court-to-protect-religion/

    he has a link to letters written by Rod Frances that prove they were lying. https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/2428459-img-921121238-0001.html

    Rod was an elder at that time, Jonathan was in his book study, and he had no idea he was a pedophile, even tho he also had young boys.

    Not only that, but Rod invited Jonathan to live with him when he was out of work, and then (according to evidence in the trial) was rewarded with his wife having an affair with JK.

    Ask her, "How can I be sure that my children are being protected?"

  • Heaven

    I never really directly attacked my parent's religion because I knew that was counter productive. But I did point out any fallacies I saw whether Biblical or religious. I like Splash's advice about asking her to explain the Generation doctrine. Or just flat out tell her that you aren't interested in aligning with a God who creates evil (Isaiah 45:7) or wants to break up families (Matthew 10:35).

  • stuckinarut2

    I get it completely!

    I have a very similar situation with my brother and his family, and my parents too...

    So, I have adopted the policy of "sharing what I CAN, and not worrying about what I CANT"

    For example, in general conversation talk about the things that will not cause division or dissension. If they specifically asked about a scriptural thing share a responses that you can. Don't allow yourself to become defensive or it will show in your type of response.

  • never a jw
    never a jw
    Not a coward. You care for your mother... maybe more than she cares for you. Her first priority seems to be the org. So feel proud of yourself for being caring.

Share this