I'm a coward.

by cappytan 37 Replies latest jw friends

  • cappytan

    Since the move, it has been so enjoyable to not have JW's breathing down our necks asking why we didn't make the meeting, or having to pretend to be "spiritual" in front of family all the time.

    90% of my week is virtually stress free. Then, my mom calls or texts wanting to talk to her grandkids.

    Every dang call, she asks about the new congregation, if we went to the meeting, etc.

    Why can't I tell her to fk off? I'm so tired of dealing with this BS.

    My mother is a very toxic individual and I don't know how to tell her we don't want anything to do with her anymore. All I have the guts for is just ignoring her. But then she sends my Dad or sister to make small talk and then say, "Oh, by the way, mom would like to Facetime with the kids." Gee, thanks guys. I thought you were calling me because you were thinking about me, not because Mom was getting ignored, so she sends her flying monkeys.

    At this point, I want to disassociate so I can be openly apostate in front of them and maybe they'll cut off contact. But knowing my luck, I'd just wake them up, and then still have the same problem of dealing with a narcissistic manipulator and being too much of a coward to tell her to STFU.

  • cappytan
    P.S. The only reason I haven't disassociated yet is because my wife isn't ready and wants me to wait.
  • The Rebel
    The Rebel

    Cappytan ( Q) "I am a coward?"

    The Rebel (A) Having read your illustration, I wouldn't say your a coward. Maybe it takes a special sort of courage and wisdom to be the bigger person.

    The Rebel.

  • cappytan
    Maybe it takes a special sort of courage and wisdom to be the bigger person.

    I just want to burn the bridge and be done with it. I have tried so many times to salvage the relationship.

  • tim3l0rd

    I understand your predicament to some degree. While I don't feel that my mother is toxic, I dread the conversation about my fade. I've seen it said before, even by those with toxic mothers, that moms, especially for sons, have a special kind of hold on us.

    I hope that your mom eventually gets the idea and lessens the pressure. My mom eventually lessened the pressure on my brother when he faded.

  • LisaRose

    This is hard for everyone, so don't feel bad. My mom would ask nosy questions like that, she knew my heart wasn't in it and I wasn't going to all the meetings. It was just annoying and exhausting, you want just to tell them that yes, you aren't going to the meetings, and you don't want to ever again, but that kind of honesty is hard after years of not talking about anything real, and you know it will get ugly. When I left for good I told my mom in a letter, that's how much of a coward I was. But that's what happens when their approval is strictly based in you being a good little JW just like they are.

    I am going through a similar, but non JW related issue right now. I have a friend who is super needy and seems to like much more than I have ever liked her. It's gotten to the point I don't want to be friends more, she is always pressuring me to come over, but she is exhausting, I have health problems and and I suspect she is just using me. I have been avoiding her calls, talking to her less and less, but she calls freaking every day. I finally turned the answering machine off, but she still hasn't taken the hint. I was hoping to dial back the friendship to an every so often kind of thing, but it's clear she will just keep pushing and I am going to have to end it. I am horrible at this kind of thing, so I just keep putting it off.

  • The Searcher
    The Searcher

    Hi Cappytan, Everyone's situation/relatives are different, so I can only say what's working for me.

    I've prepared conversation stoppers for questions such as,

    "What's the congregation like?" (Much the same as every other one!)

    "What's the ministry like?" (Same as most places - generally apathetic)

    "Are you attending the meetings?" (Whoa - am I being interrogated here?)

    That should change the subject. But in your family situation, perhaps your mother will try and use your kids to get "better" answers.

    Maybe your mother just needs to be told straight that "Christ is going to judge your "spirituality" when the time comes, so she shouldn't worry her pretty little head about it anymore."

    People should know exactly what lines they can't cross. Not easy for some to say, but well worth it!

    Wish I could offer better advice.

  • StarTrekAngel
    Hang in there cappy. You have done most of the work. Take a break. Can you may be avoid the calls citing busy work day?
  • Splash

    Best form of defense....

    When she asks about your meeting attendance, ask her to explain "This Generation".

    Do it every time.

  • cappytan
    Can you may be avoid the calls citing busy work day?

    That's what I'm doing this week. Ignoring all calls/texts from family.

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