Rich, in one way I'm hoping you are not a genuine case, its hard to tell if a person is genuine when posting on an internet site, dont you agree?
If, unfortunately, you are genuine then life must be a nightmare for you, I have worked with people who are trapped inside the world of addiction and can only say how sorry I am, if someone hasnt been through breaking addictions then they can only imagine the torment and battles associated with it. Though its a different type of addiction most of us here have dealt with religious addiction, the inability to let go of a religion that threatened to destroy our families, a religion that wouldnt allow us to to be free to make up our own minds, and one that we kept getting readdicted to again and again (sounds like drugs?).
I used to try and help a young man that was raised in the JWs, in his youth he was tempted to take drugs, consequently he suffered and JWs heaped up a pile of guilt and led him to believe that "demons" were controlling his life....they didnt help him. Infact I arranged his funeral after he was found hanging from a tree. Not one JW attended his funeral, yet these are the only people he really knew. See Rich they cant help you, and life is no better inside than outside of that movement.
look at the wrong choices you have made in your life over the years, and look where they have left you. DO you really think you are making the right choice now? Are you in the right frame of mind to decide that you want to be a JW? I would suggest you continue to seek help and get yourself in a better frame of mind before making decisions about whether to be a JW or not. It may look enticing now to go and join a group of people who all seem to have got life pretty much together, but I can assure you they havent got it all together, they are as dependant on and contolled by the Watchtower just as much as you are dependant on drugs & alcohol.
Are you aware of the mental stress that many JWs face in their lives due to a group of old men in brooklyn? Do you know how many JWs smile all through the day to impress people yet cry all through the night? All that glitters is not gold...you will eventually end up in a worse situation than what you are in now.
You have made wrong choices in life, we all have, but you are still an inteligent person who can do better than join a cult. You need to find people who can encourage your self worth, who can see that you are not such a bad evil person, and who can empathise with you in this struggle. You may have failed 4 or 5 times in trying to overcome, or 10 or 20 times, but I'll bet you a million that you CAN do it in the future, you just need the proper help....seek and you WILL find.
Brummie