On January 1 st , after a week of no sleep, working through xmas and its stress and months of marital super-stress I walked into my room and gave up. I told God that if he wanted to step in, to do so now, as otherwise Im going.
I sat down and swallowed a brand new prescription of valium 10mg as well as clonadine, also a new prescription. While nearing the end of this, being chased with a vodka cooler, I called Lloyd hubby living with his girlfriend and told him I wanted HIM to speak to me until I passed out.
I wrote a letter to my girls with a huge marker on my bedroom wall. Id snapped, completely. Little did I know that Lloyd had called the police. The dogs began barking and my Mom who was napping answered in a panic, thinking something had happened to one of my girls. Then she found out it was me, locked in my room, talking on the phone and downing pills, and yes, crying. The police broke in and immediately called the paramedics. I dont remember the paramedics coming, or being taken in the ambulance.
I was in ICU for 24 hours in a coma; they couldnt find my blood pressure; the meds had worked so fast that pumping my stomach was a no go. My potassium level was 3, dangerously low. Apparently while my Mom and daughter Beth were visiting me there, I opened my eyes and said Why dont you both just leave and closed my eyes. I dont remember. I had been in a coma and when I awoke for minutes infrequently, I was tangled in wires and lines, machines blipping and beeping all around me. I felt no fear.
Then I was transferred to the NS Mental Health Hospital Short Stay Unit. I dont remember that. They couldnt find my blood pressure for three days and when they did it was 90/58. They tried shouting at me to wake up, but they couldnt wake me and wondered why on earth did ICU ship me out to them so soon.
I finally woke up and was drunk-like, couldnt walk straight at all for another two days. When I found out all that had transpired, I was devastated. I scared everyone I loved, and I terrified myself. I wanted to end the pain not die. Yet the letter on my wall indicates I wanted death. Death to pain? I dont know.
What I do know is Im very glad to be alive. Whatever happened while in that coma has changed me. I feel no anger toward my husband and his girlfriend. There is a peace within me that hasnt been there in decades. Let me be realistic here I saw no bright light (except the ones in the ICU) and I heard no voices.
Ive made goals for myself. Meetings with the social worker; signing up for membership at the sports stadium; posting motivational quotes etc around my home; walking my dogs regularly and eating properly as well as taking my meds according to the prescription. No more winging it, pushing it, overdoing it, running myself over with my own doings.
I feel teary today and Im returning to work tonight. My friends have been great, but especially my mom and my treasures, Beth and Shelene. I know a darn good cry is coming for what I did to those who love me and for what I nearly accomplished. I feel ashamed and stupid. In my own defense, I know well that I snapped. I did not plan this at all I just snapped.
I will never again return to that place as I will scream out to take me to the hospital before I even reach for pills. The only happiness in this saga is that Im alive, have learned my lesson, and this incredible peace is inside me- which I cant explain but am grateful for.
I was very close to death so anyone thinking of it get help NOW. I would also like it if you could add motivational sayings to my collection for me to put up on my walls.
Joy thank you for your email; it was timely and perfect.
Love and hugs, Salem/Mimilly
Edited by - Mimilly on 7 January 2003 10:39:27
Edited by - Mimilly on 7 January 2003 20:33:15