New Inactive One Saying Hello to all

by Lostwun 45 Replies latest jw friends

  • possum

    Cha Ching!

    Even tho they talk to people out in service, they could NOT even THINK about discussing it with me... It literally scared them out of their socks! It was as tho they had seen a ghost!

    Same experience very disconcerting!

  • Lostwun
    Thank you all for your comments and encouragement in dealing with this situation. it seems the common consensus is that it can be done with time patience and love. Im willimg to do all those things and I know he is too. I think he's more concerned now about what people think since we dont attend functions together or the hall. I dont want him to feel like he has to stay behind with me for my sake but he feels uncomfortable going to gatherings if im not with him so in turn it makes me feel guilty as if im stunting his social outlet. Ive tried to explain that he will have to learn to start doing things without me but this whole situation has just rocked his world to the extent he wasnt prepared for. I myself feel like im hiding out in my house out of fear of doing anything without running into a jw and being questioned or prompted for a shepherding call and I hate that feeling and feeling paranoid. I seriously need to find a hobby quick because besides my husband and his family I really dont trust going out with any other jw for the simple fact questions may be asked. His parents already know I dont attend the meetings but they havent asked a single thing and are not judgemental of me just yet. its such a small town here that even if I try to go out after work with some of the girl coworkers at mý job that im starting to make friends with, there is a high possiblity I will be seen by a jw at any establishment and I just dont know how to deal with that yet. So for the most part im tucked away in the house :( ive been conditioned so long to care what other people think about me that to finally step out on my own and not care is nervewrecking!!
  • Watchtower-Free
  • Sabin

    Lostwun, its good to meet you. Toesup`s idear is a good one, you mentioned how far away you are from your family. This could make you very sad & depressed use it to your advantage. Also lots of people have found the Bonnie Zieman book helpful, EXiting the JW Cult. I`ve just started going through it & am finding it a great comfort. As for your husband just love & support his choices the best you can. You don't have to lie about anything. there is a time to speak & a time to keep quiet. That is sound advise. I`m guessing you still love the scriptures so hold on to that. SABIN

  • dubstepped

    Paranoia will destroy ya. And the organization counts on that to keep you in the fold. It worked on me for some time. So scared of what people would think of that pic I posted on Facebook or that song I said I liked, and God forbid I be seen with unacceptable human beings. As imprisoning as that is, the freedom on the other side is equally sweet.

    My wife and I started reaching out to people we came in contact with outside the organization. Those connections were far more supportive of us than those who were supposed to be our brothers and sisters ever were in decades of service. We now have friends that choose to be our friends. We're still new to all of this and don't have deep friends that we can call anytime from the new bunch, but being open and honest with people about what's going on has been huge. It helped us work through the situation and helped us know we aren't alone. As did the people here. I've also reconnected with my brother who I shunned for many years, as well as a friend from 13 years ago. Having those roots back in my life is amazing.

    Another thing that helped me feel less alone was reading Ray Franz's book Crisis Of Conscience. It is a must read. It validated so much of what we felt and saw and we didn't feel like crazy people anymore. You can read it online for free. I listened to the audio while I worked in our business.

    The fact is that you will feel lonely at times. It is part of the process. However, you will emerge as the authentic you, likely for the first time. My wife said she's never seen me so free, and I'm still in the process of DA'ing, waiting for the announcement. That's a heavy thing, and I'm in such a better place.

    Read books on boundaries and emotional abuse and narcissism and you'll find answers to a lot of messed up things you've been around. A New Earth by Eckhart Toole was huge in freeing us from the ego that being in the organization formed to help us feel like we were in control. We now are our true selves and that defensiveness you see in your husband is likely his ego feeling scared and out of control. Under that ego is likely an amazing person just screaming to get out but masked by what's been put on him.

    I could go on forever. Be patient and loving. Remember that even on a plane you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help someone else. So take care of yourself. Read and research and learn. Don't become bigger and swing the opposite way and let frustration with the organization make you just as zealous against it as you were for it. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. I'm starting to get to the point, after hurt and rage, where I can see that a freedom exists where I won't have to follow them or care what they do anymore. Once doing so gets me out and allows me to process what was done to me, I look forward to moving on to better things and not caring about them anymore so that they have no more hold on me. To hate them is to give them power.

    I guess I'll stop before I write a self-help book, lol.

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    Yes Dubstep has some great suggestions ! I found after I read Ray Franz books my mind became much more calm and free .

    You said ,"ive been conditioned so long to care what other people think about me that to finally step out on my own and not care is nervewrecking!!" .....I remember those feelings so well !

    When you begin to realize these people have NO power over you ,unless you give it to them ,you will begin to lessen the anxiety .

    For example going out to eat with a co-worker is not bad ! You are only conditioned to think that way . Now you have to re-condition your thought processes . When you begin to feel anxious over something ask yourself ,WHY ? If it has no real basis then let it go .

    Here are some stock answers someone told me to use when I was first fading . If a witness sees you at the store and asks " Where have you been ,we miss you " You can answer 'Oh thank you ' It is kind for you to say so " PERIOD ,they don't need to know any more . When they pry for more information say " Oh I am sorry ,it is personal and I could not imagine discussing that with you ." RINSE and REPEAT works !

  • umbertoecho

    Welcome Lostwun.

    I hope this site helps you feel less alone.

  • dubstepped

    Oh yeah, I almost forgot. You're conditioned to see everyone outside the Borg as a danger. Here's a thread that may help:

    I've been scared through this whole process. I believed in my heart that as soon as I started reading apostate sites I'd die in a fiery car crash, that once I started hanging out with worldly people my wife would get raped and I'd die in a fiery car crash, that once I DA'd I'd lose my business and my wife would get raped and I'd die in a fiery car crash. Fear is a great way to manipulate people, and we've all been manipulated by it. That's not to say that one doesn't have to be careful who they associate with, but that's true whether in the "world" or in the Borganization. See the recent Australian Royal Commission hearings to learn about some that lurk in the organization. Not all are on the up and up, and if you've been around long you've run into toxic people that you know to stay away from even in the organization. I believe it was Ray Franz that pointed out that there are locks on the doors to the rooms at Bethel because they've had problems with thievery. The world outside the organization doesn't own the rights to all nefarious conduct. In fact, I've found the people outside to be much nicer and more genuine than what I grew up with. I've turned down so many offers of hospitality from "worldly" people throughout my life when no JW was asking me to do anything socially ever. Now my wife and I can say yes to them and so far we've had fun. We have much more support now and it is so beautiful and free.

  • truthseeker100

    Welcome and I am with dubstepped on this one. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. I don't hate the individual witnesses they are just delusional fools some eventually realize it some don't.

    It can be lonely place leaving the tower and believing TTATT I hope that this site makes you feel a little less alone.

  • truthlover


    Play possum -- unspecified illness, nerves, breakdown, meds, -- tired, doctors appts, etc etc etc the list goes on.. there are so many on pills and anxiety levels are so high, sickness all around -- they are putting this information out in the mags now, so the pubs can read it for themselves -- as usual, they hint at things they don't want to mention off the platform and then say it pertains to the "world"......

    Take it slow, your faith is lost in the organization and the clicques- the smiles that are shown but behind that is gossip and jealousies.. and we are told to put on the NEW personality????

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