New Inactive One Saying Hello to all

by Lostwun 45 Replies latest jw friends

  • Lostwun

    Hello Everyone,

    Lostwun here, I joined 2 months ago but am now just finding the courage after doing more research to formally introduce myself to the board and embrace my new beginnings as an ex-jw. I am a second-generation jw. I grew up with parents who are well known and very respected in many circuits. My dad is an elder and PO of his current congregation and my mom is a once regular pioneer who has since stepped down but very much devout. I have 2 siblings. 1 is disfellowshipped and the other is a devout Jw married to another strong Jw.

    With the disfellowshipping of my oldest sibling at an early age and seeing the affect that it had on my parents, it made me feel from Childhood that I always had the "all eyes on me" to be a more than perfect jw in order not to disappoint anyone. I always struggled with feelings of never being good enough from an early age and i thought that if i did more for the organization i would win the love and approval i had always craved as a child. I served in two foreign language congregations, regular pioneered for 3 years and served where the need was greater in a different country where i eventually met my jw spouse.

    I had doubts about the organization for awhile but those doubts really came to a head last year when i saw doctrinal inconsistencies, hypocrisy within the congregations i served in and the constant stress of gaining titles within the organization and reporting time. If you didn't hold a title of reg pioneer/ms/ elder than basically you are nothing and that type of thinking never sat well with me. I also didn't understand why so much stress was put on these things when their were no mention of it in the bible. There are a host of other things that awoken me to TTATT but I won't bombard everyone with that on here for my first post.

    As of now I am currently inactive for the past 2 months with no meetings or Field service. I quit cold turkey because i can't actively participate in something i no longer believe in. Also, me being "of different color" than my husband in his congregation their are a lot of closet racist there and I just can't stand subjecting myself to anymore of the off-putting comments.

    My Jw Husband has no intention ever of leaving the religion. I live about 4000 miles away from my immediate family which have no idea of my current status. We live in Hubby's small hometown where he grew up and everybody is in everybody's business so it makes fading that much harder. Already the questions and phone calls have come as to why I am not at meetings but i have avoided all jw contact as much as possible. I feel guilty however because my husband has to cover for me everytime and that's the part i hate the most, but i have too many family and friend ties in the organization to just DA at this point.

    Although my hubby is the only one who knows of my current stance against the organization and respects my decision, he is very hurt, it can be nearly impossible to talk to him about what I've learned without him becoming completely defensive. Therefore I am alone in my feelings and looking for like-minded individuals here that i can talk with to share ideas, suggestions and feelings and help me through this difficult time. I need to build up an outside network as i have no close friends or family here in hubbys hometown and it's very hard.

    So again I say hello everyone :) and I hope to be able to find some solace here.



  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
  • brandnew
    Hey lostwun.......welcome.
  • freemindfade
    Welcome! Glad to have you. So many familiar things you talk about. Fmf at your service
  • steve2

    Lostwun, welcome. Your circumstances are complicated and I admire your cautious navigation. I am pleased that your husband is respectful of your decision - even when our loved ones respect us, they can feel very hurt and torn in their loyalties. This will be an area of great sensitivity for you both. That you live in a small town where everybody knows everybody's business makes it so hard.

    Is your husband an elder or MS? Do you have any children (I totally understand if you are sparing with such details for fear of being found out)!

    Welcome, once again. As I say to those who are in the process of leaving, Time is on your side. Go slow and steady - you want the process to work in the mid- to longer term for you and you want to look after important relationships, especially those within the household. When all is said and done, your husband sounds like a good man who values you highly.

  • Brighid
    Welcome to the Scar Clan. You'remember gonna love it here. I can't wait to hear more from you as you unfold into who you are.
  • cultBgone
    Welcome, Lostwun, you will not be lost here. You'll find lots of compassion and support as most everyone here has struggled through all the emotions that come with becoming an ex-jw. Congratulations on your awakening and applause for having the strength to walk out! Very happy to hear that your spouse is supportive even though he doesn't agree. Give him time. But for now, welcome and hugs to you!
  • Joyzabel

    Welcome LostWun!

    getting a new support system outside the dubs is a necessity but will be slow process. Deprogramming usually takes at least two years, it's amazing how entrenched in mind control JWs are until you leave.

    There are a lot of great people here who have been where you are in your journey. And also lots of opinions. The one thing I think is important is to love yourself and find out who you truly are.

    Good luck,


  • Lostwun

    Thank you all for your replies and welcoming. It's so nice to know i'm not alone even though it can feel like it sometimes. @steve2 Thankfully we don't have any children as i feel this would have made our situation much more harder. My husband is not really devout. He occasionally misses meetings and his Field service is irregular so i feel like there is opportunity over time for some seeds to be planted but for now I have left the subject alone bcecause everytime we do end up discussing my feelings or i share something negative about the WT and his walls come right up in defense. I just dont know where to begin with him and I dont want to cause more strain to our marriage as this already has. He had the Jw dream that we would pioneer together and continue our service in another country but those dreams were smashed when i told him the truth 3 months ago and Im just trying to tread carefully with him.

    He is a good man and said he will not leave me simply because i no longer believe because he married me not the religion and that he loves me deeply.

    I just honestly feel this religion is going to drive a wedge between us if i cant get him to come around to seeing the real truth and that is what i am worried about! Can anybody relate? Any pointers that worked in helping your spouse wake up? Anything would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

  • Xanthippe
    Welcome Lostwun. Don't be in too much of a hurry to get your husband to see the real truth. He's said he loves you deeply and won't leave you simply because you don't believe. If you have been reading the stories on here you will know that's unusual, so take your time, you've got a good man there.

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