Lostwun here, I joined 2 months ago but am now just finding the courage after doing more research to formally introduce myself to the board and embrace my new beginnings as an ex-jw. I am a second-generation jw. I grew up with parents who are well known and very respected in many circuits. My dad is an elder and PO of his current congregation and my mom is a once regular pioneer who has since stepped down but very much devout. I have 2 siblings. 1 is disfellowshipped and the other is a devout Jw married to another strong Jw.
With the disfellowshipping of my oldest sibling at an early age and seeing the affect that it had on my parents, it made me feel from Childhood that I always had the "all eyes on me" to be a more than perfect jw in order not to disappoint anyone. I always struggled with feelings of never being good enough from an early age and i thought that if i did more for the organization i would win the love and approval i had always craved as a child. I served in two foreign language congregations, regular pioneered for 3 years and served where the need was greater in a different country where i eventually met my jw spouse.
I had doubts about the organization for awhile but those doubts really came to a head last year when i saw doctrinal inconsistencies, hypocrisy within the congregations i served in and the constant stress of gaining titles within the organization and reporting time. If you didn't hold a title of reg pioneer/ms/ elder than basically you are nothing and that type of thinking never sat well with me. I also didn't understand why so much stress was put on these things when their were no mention of it in the bible. There are a host of other things that awoken me to TTATT but I won't bombard everyone with that on here for my first post.
As of now I am currently inactive for the past 2 months with no meetings or Field service. I quit cold turkey because i can't actively participate in something i no longer believe in. Also, me being "of different color" than my husband in his congregation their are a lot of closet racist there and I just can't stand subjecting myself to anymore of the off-putting comments.
My Jw Husband has no intention ever of leaving the religion. I live about 4000 miles away from my immediate family which have no idea of my current status. We live in Hubby's small hometown where he grew up and everybody is in everybody's business so it makes fading that much harder. Already the questions and phone calls have come as to why I am not at meetings but i have avoided all jw contact as much as possible. I feel guilty however because my husband has to cover for me everytime and that's the part i hate the most, but i have too many family and friend ties in the organization to just DA at this point.
Although my hubby is the only one who knows of my current stance against the organization and respects my decision, he is very hurt, it can be nearly impossible to talk to him about what I've learned without him becoming completely defensive. Therefore I am alone in my feelings and looking for like-minded individuals here that i can talk with to share ideas, suggestions and feelings and help me through this difficult time. I need to build up an outside network as i have no close friends or family here in hubbys hometown and it's very hard.
So again I say hello everyone :) and I hope to be able to find some solace here.