I miss my mom

by flower 24 Replies latest jw friends

  • flower

    Thanks for thoughts and comments. I dont regret writing it but I do regret that I am allowing these feelings and thoughts to keep me awake at night. I think its because I am moving so far away in less than a week and I dont know where I stand with my mother. Her husband I truly dont care one iota about. I will never ever forgive him and trust me he doesnt deserve it. Hes a cruel, sick and fucked up person. You can find him on the platform every Sunday at the local kingdom hall. You'd never know it to meet him there though. Everyones FAVORITE elder. The approachable one, the one who really cares about the 'flock' and who they know they can come to because they wont be judged. The one you didnt mind sitting through public talks with cause he gave them well...personable, down to earth ..not all preachy. When I was a little kid I was amazed at his ability to be so comfortable and calm in front of so many people at assemblies and conventions. Until I starting seeing just how well he could turn the charm off and on, then I could rarely make it through one of his talks without getting up and going to the bathroom feeling sick. LOL ...you just gotta laugh, ya know?

    Anyway, my mother I all but cut her off 6 months ago when I moved even though she was the only one who didnt shun me completely for being df'd. It was a difficult situation because with her being blind she cant come see me and my son without one of 'them' and I cant go see her without them being there either. If she could drive I think I would have had her over and had a talk. I tried to talk to her about what I was learning about the jw's but she first accused me of talking to apostates ( that would be ya'll ) and then gave me the "so what is the truth if this isnt" and "where else are you going to go" type speeches. She isnt ready for that and probably never will be. I could deal with that and still have a relationship with her as long as she respected my wishes about not being a jw and not having my son exposed to it. But its hard cause she cant come visit. And I really dont want to go back to that house as long as certain people are alive and kicking.

    But I also cut her off because sometimes I feel she is just as bad as the others because she sits back while things happen and does nothing. I would blame it on her blindness but shes always been that way. I would go to her with something and she would say ok, but she would never DO anything. That is where the anger comes from I think. People that sit back and let abuse happen are just as guilty in my book. Maybe not just as guilty but somewhat guilty too. I just know my mom was a victim too so thats why I still have feelings for her but I am so angry that I think I am going to end up leaving without saying good bye and not talking to her for a very very long time if ever again. Tragic.

    And the watchtower claims it doesnt break up families. I had 8 brothers and sisters and two parents once...where are they now Watchtower jerks?


  • ugg

    lots of hugs for you flower....lots and lots and lots and lots and lots...

  • Nikita

    (((((((Flower)))))))) I just wanted to say I am thinking about you today. Hope that you feel better!


  • Joyzabel


    write your mom a letter and tell her how you feel. If you are afraid who ever reads it to her will not say what you wrote, then record the letter and send the cassette to her. If she never responds to the "letter" that's ok because in your heart you knew you did what love wanted you to do.



  • jst2laws


    Can a big brother hug you? You are precious and beautiful. Listening to people like you express you heart's feelings reveals truly what is inside. I have known many elders like your dad and many sisters like your mother. Their personality flaws are amplified by the religious teachings of men and conformity to cold corporate policies.

    You show you are no longer dominated by that past by going with your heart, saying what you are compeled to say to your mom. If you love her, tell her you love her. If you miss her tell her you miss her. If you wish she would have hugged you more and you want to hug her now, go with your heart without the inhibitions imposed on you and them from that external infuence of the WT society.

    I hope you don't go away feeling like you mistreated your mom. Family is family. Forgive her and love her if you can.


  • Farkel


    Yes, my mother is nuts.


  • DJ

    Hey Flower,

    You know I luv ya. I wish I knew what state you are moving to???? I relate to a lot of what you wrote. My mom is VERY similar. She told you about the housing, sounds just like something my mom would do. I think that was her way of saying she loves you. She did reach out, even though she had a 'cover.' My mom does the same thing....calls once in a blue moon to tell me something that she deems important. I wish she could just call because she just wants to, but she is....... how she is, i guess.

    Anyway, I feel sure about the advice that I'm dropping on you.....hope you don't mind!! It's my opinion that you will feel an ENORMOUS weight off of your heart if you would just let her know that you love her and will miss her....and atleast tell her which state you'll be in! I think that you'll feel 20 lbs. lift off of your mind. Then, go live your life and be happy with that adorable little boy of yours!! Love, DJ

  • SloBoy


    Thanks for sharing. Not that it helps much, but your family life isn't that much different than most. Perhaps we should call it NORMAL DYSFUNCTION. Such "powerful learning" though, must eventually be addressed, for it will demand payment at some point in our lives. The WBTS has printed articles about this, but in reality they consider it a waste of time. Afterall, ARMAGEDDON IS COMING! Why take time away from theocratic pursuits for such self-centerd, selfish, endeavors. Riiiigghhtt! Such worthless endeavors that have freed many people from a nightmarish cycle of anger, hate, DEPRESSION. But congrats to you for it seems that you are on the verge of dealing with some visceral issues. May you have peace and success and always know that you are not alone.

  • flower

    Thanks guys,

    I just got back from getting my sons hair cut at the barber shop and who do I see when I get there? Yep. My mom and sister were waiting in the car while my brother got his hair cut. I let my son wave to them from afar as we were going in. He was happy to see them again. Then when we were finished and going to my truck they were still out there waiting for us to finish so they could talk to my son. He waved good bye to them as we continued on but my brother came over to the truck before I could leave and picked him up. I decided to let him go over and say hello and goodbye for a few minutes since I know he will not be seeing them again for a long time. They had nothing to say to me, nor I them. I think it went fine and quite frankly I'm glad we ran into them cause I dont have to feel like he didnt get to see them before we left and have some sort of closure for now.

    It may seem cruel to keep him away from them when they are giving him love but I know that kind of love is temporary and I'm not putting him through having a close relationship with them until they deem its time to cut him off. And I'm not having them fill his head with religious crap.

    DJ, I'm moving to Massachusetts. I hear your suggestions but I am not ready to do anything quite so drastic as hugging my mother or telling her I love her and will miss her. Maybe that could happen one day but definately not right now. And yet I know she would welcome it. Thats really sad to think about.

    Geez enough of this stuff I've got things to do here while the kiddo takes a nap.



  • Tinkerbell4125

    Flower, I understand exactly what you are going through! You can read my bio by my pic and it will tell you alittle bit about what I went through with my mom. It was 3 years this week that she has been gone and I never stop missing her. Looking back, I can't have regrets. We both did the best we could with what we had. It's hard to move past the pain and anger, but in time I've learned that it disapates. I realize that deep in my mothers heart she had good intentions. Now I don't think of all the j.w crap, I just try to have fond memories of her. Hang in there with your mother, I know it's not always easy. I don't have all the answers for you, but I'm always here if you need to vent.

    Here's sending you a big cyber hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{flower}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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