I miss my mom

flower

dont know why but lately I do. I feel so bad that I have been so mean to her lately. But ever since I found out the real deal about the organization I havent been able to even hear her voice without being feeling angry at her. I never felt angry at her before..not really. I always knew that she loved me and was doing or would do whatever she could for me. But now theres just so much anger. I dont know what to think or do.

She called me today and said she heard I was moving (she doesnt know i'm moving out of state)and she was telling me about some affordable housing that she thought I should look into. She loves me I know it...I think. Or she just loves my kid. I dont know. I dont even know why I'm crying now. I just ..I feel so cheated. JW's preach 'love, love, love'. Jehovahs 'loving organization' and 'happy people' and all that crap, but I know that I will never get over not having any love from my parents. I dont ever remember a hug...a kiss, anything. Kids need that..they just do. Anyone who thinks they dont is stupid.

I dont know how people can have kids and not want to hug them and love them and let them know that they are special and loved. Its all I ever wanted from them. Not things or clothes or anything else...just for them to love me. Or at least tell me why they didnt. I was so fucked up because I spent most of my time trying to figure out why they didnt love me. I figured once that it was because I was a mistake. My mom told me once how I was concieved and that was the only thing that made sense as to why he hated me. He told my mom she wouldnt get pregnant just that once without BC because they were out and he was going on a long business trip. Well I proved him wrong and hes never been one to accept being wrong very well. I dont know if thats why he has always hated me or not but it made sense when she told me.

Anyway. You know how on old sitcoms like the brady bunch or the cosby show the kids were always doing something and then the parent would always tell them the lecture and at the end of the show they would always be hugging and saying mushy corny stuff to each other? Well whenever I used to see stuff like that I'd feel so sad and to this day I still cant watch it without emotions popping up. I used to freeze frame that moment in my mind. Just the hug at the end..and the corny mushy stuff. I wish my mom had hugged me..just once ya know?

i'll regret writing this tomorrow i'm sure. i whine too much and dwell on the past too much i'm told. but i need to whine tonight so oh well. i'll get some sleep and feel better in the am i'm sure. thanks for listnin

flower.

edited for mistake

Edited by - flower on 31 August 2002 0:19:51

LB

Sorry flower. Life certainly isn't like the Brady Bunch. I used to think my family was going to be like "leave it to beaver". That sure didn't happen.

Trust me, mom still loves you. She just isn't showing it. But I know she loves you. It's that twisted crap she's been fed all these years that prevents her showing it. It does sound like your upbringing was a mess. I'm so sorry about that. But, moms love their kids.

Nathan Natas

Those perfect family sitcoms on TV are poison.

They fill our minds with unrealistic expectations.

Your anger at your Mom is understandable - we expect our parents to protect us, to be all-wise; and then we grow up and discover that our parents are just like us. The unrealistic perfect image shatters.

Try to do better for your own child and move on with your life.

Edited by - Nathan Natas on 31 August 2002 0:27:7

Farkel

Nathan,

: Those perfect family sitcoms on TV are poison.

I used to sit and watch the "Dick Van Dyke" show and wish my family was like that. Then, my mother would throw and smash all the dinner dishes on the floor and make me clean them up because I didn't hasten to wash them in the first thirty seconds of her command.

I wish my childhood was like "Robbie" on the "Dick Van Dyke" show.

Farkel

minimus

No offense intended, but was your mother a little nuts, Fark?

searcher

There is no way that my life can relate to your story, so all I can offer is....

(((((((((((((((((((((flower)))))))))))))))))))))

searcher.

Quotes

i'll regret writing this tomorrow i'm sure. i whine too much and dwell on the past too much i'm told. but i need to whine tonight so oh well. i'll get some sleep and feel better in the am i'm sure. thanks for listnin

Please don't regret writing this. Its good to talk, it can be very therapeutic.

Thanks for sharing.

Lady Lee

((((flower))))) It is so very painful to believe you were not wanted and were not loved. I know from experience. Thjey say "a face only a mother could love" Mother love is proclaimed everywhere. But what happens to us kids when mother cannot love us - not because of who we are but because of who THEY are.

I only remember the rare hugs - probably can count them on one hand and I am 50 years old. I used to think it was me. My mother told me I screwed up her life. But you know what - I discovered other people can love me - unconditionally. And it other people can love me then it couldn't be me - it had to be her. I have since realized my mother is mentally ill. It took a long long time for me to be able to realize that. She has a lot of warped ideas about hugging kids and what love is. The borg doesn't make that any better - in fact I think it reinforces her illness and inability to show love.

Flower hon you are lovable. You have a little guy there that is proof of that. Children don't lie about their feelings at his age. He knows you are lovable and I bet he shows it. Listen to his heart and yours when you are with him. He is the absolutely best proof you will ever have that you are OK.

Take care flower and try to get some sleep.

Prisca

Some people just aren't cut out to be good parents, no matter what religion they are in. It's easy to blame the JWs if our parents are crappy, but really it comes down to the individual. If they WANT to be kind and loving parents, they will. Most of the JW parents I know are loving and kind. The parents who refuse to give their kids a kiss and hug, or a kind word now and again, are screwed up people period.

deddaisy

flower, I miss my mom to the point of being tragic. give your mom a big hug when you see her. she may need a hug from you too, and we have no guarantees when we'll have the chance again.

I miss my mom

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