Seriously considering stepping down as Elder

by fader77 65 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Bugbear

    Fader 77

    Your sit. Is very similar to mine only That I made my decision 20 years ago. The first 10 years was hell while resigning and fading. I went to every convention and meeting smiling to brothers and sisters discussing “HOW wonderful” this and that meeting should be or was. Actually sitting and listening to all the lies and frogs that jumped out our brother’s mouth was very strenuous. In fact I sometimes measured my blood pressure and it was 190/120. This caused only by the stress factor. All this and the anxiety to be shunned by my family and friends , together with a very “stressing” job, made me having 4 hart strokes. Nearly death I realized that I could not go on so I stropped go in service stopped go to meeting, I even stopped normal “social” relations with the Witnesses, this not to listen to what they thought was that prosperous future that we all should have after HG. Today after many visits from CO,s DO, and elders, they do not any longer consider me been a JW, I AM LIBERATED, I am free…

    And the better thing is that none of my children are stucked with the witnesses. Only my wife who will not leave, probably by loyalty to all her friends.(she has been a witness for more than 40 years. In fact the only one that suffers from all this is the only witness left, my wife.


  • Fernando

    Hi and welcome fader77!

    Stepping down strategically may help you avoid saying or doing anything you later might prefer you hadn't.

    Transformation is a process, not an event.

    The outcome is likely to be better if we're calm and rational along the way.

    We're here for you.

    Best wishes.


    I really feel for you. It's terrible to be 'stuck' like that. There has GOT to be a way out. First of all, step down from being an elder. If they ask why just say 'I have nothing to say about it'. You don't owe them ANY explanation. It's your business what you decide to do. Whatever you said would just give them an opening for even more questions. Secondly, take up some new interest that will allow you to meet some new non-JW friends. The more time you spend on that, the less time you will have for the Witnesses. Just slowly back off from going to meetings and field service, etc. If anyone asks why, just repeat: 'I have nothing to say about it'. That gives them absolutely NO REASON to DF you. You just don't provide them with any ammunition. If the Elders ask to 'meet' with you or come to your home, just reply with 'I have nothing more to say about anything'. Regarding the Australian girlfriend, she may be your 'soul mate' but there has GOT to be other women out there who you could be perfectly happy being with. Maybe not even as far away as Australia. Finding such a person would at least give you a new focus and a breath of fresh air to make you feel more alive again. Anyway, I hope some of these suggestions are helpful. Please keep us all updated on how you are doing. Usually, in my experience, just when things look the bleakest is when things are about to start looking brighter.

  • quellycatface

    Thanks for your story. You sound pretty battle scarred.

    I personally would walk away now, while you have your health and sanity.

    No time like the present.

    Take care of you and your loved ones. Top priority. You owe nothing to the organisation. You gave, they took.

  • The Searcher
    The Searcher

    The only possible "benefit" you derive from remaining an Elder is that you get to read all of the Org's letters to the BoE - end of story.

    Newsflash - I get the exact same "benefit" by visiting JWN!!

    Do yourself TWO big favours; stand down as an Elder with immediate effect by informing ONLY your CoBE in writing, and decline any and all invitations to discuss your resignation. Let your fade begin in earnest!

    I did, and it really gets up their noses that I refused to divulge my reasons!

    As for your wife, she IS your wife. Many of us have had "the love of our lives" within our grasp, let it go, and then wondered years later, "What if?". Don't waste YOUR life and your wife's by living on dreams of what might have been.

    Dolly Parton's recent comment about the real-life Jolene sums it up - she thanked her for the inspiration for the song, and basically invited her to come and have a look at her husband now - see if she'd still want him!

    Make the best of your life and what you have!

    To Angelina - Brad will NEVER match up to me, and you know it - learn to live with it!

  • Pistoff

    Fader77, do you have children?

    That is a factor in what you do.

    There are at least 2 ways to look at it:

    Stay until they are older and can be on their own, although this may make it harder for them to leave.

    Or leave now, but tell them the exact reason for your leaving: that you were told lies by the men at the top of the Watchtower, and that you can't live your life anymore inside of those lies.

    Marriages end, sad as it is. But the alternative is to be in misery forever, rather than a year or two.

    Visualize yourself in 5 years, 10 years, if you leave: you will probably go to college to get an education, if nothing else, and will likely improve your job prospects.

    You will find out what YOU like, don't like, what you believe and don't believe, not what you 'should' believe.

    You will experience the pain of separation from family, yes.

    Now picture yourself if you stay: you will have to sit through thousands of meetings knowing it is a waste of time, listening to complete rubbish for doctrine, with someone you care for but don't love, who wants you to do more, who sees you as less than instead of appreciating you for who you are.

    For me, the choice was to fade slowly. I can't imagine sitting through meetings and conventions anymore.

  • cultBgone

    fader, sounds like it's high time for you to take care of fader. My personal experience has been that the longer you live for other people's supposed happiness, you stop learning how to be happy yourself. (((hugs)))

  • ducatijoe

    Difficult for me as to why you would even concider staying on as an Elder when you are ashing us on this site.

    I can say , in my case, I was an Elder for many years and now have left and never happier.

    Whhatever you think you may loose... you will find many times more friends and joy outside!

  • sarahsmile


    How your feeling about your relationship with your wife is just a thought. Not in love today can chamge tomorrow.

    Take it slow.

    Stepping down as an elder will probably help you with your relationship. In fact that would be a good reason to step down. You want to spend more time nurturing your family. You will look like a super good guy! Although you probably are a super good guy!

    Have a great day! Enjoy making your escape out of the eldership instead of dreading it. It all about perspective and doing a litlle I am out of here dance. Booty dance. Texas two step or New York swing.

  • zeb

    Fader; You are much concerned with your family. How often do they drop by? You fear not having company. There are times my mind screams for a soul companion whose eyes would meet mine and hand reach out.

    But if family do the shun thing keep in mind as painful as this may be to you that it is a two way street. They cant shun you and all your (now) poisonous self and come asking for $$ or help in some other way because this power has been given unto you to say "No- Im shunned". Its tough love but will do them good and you will walk tall for doing this.

    A body of elders from the same family line-Nepotism of the first order. You do not have to claim stress you are stressed and have every right to pull out and the cure says the sooner the better.

    Big hugs.

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