Roll call of those of us stuck in for our spouse or whos spouse is still in!

by BU2B 62 Replies latest jw friends

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  BU2B

  I just wanted to get a feel for how many here have awakened to TTATT but are still carrying on some JW activities to pacify them and keep the peace. Also trying to hear from those who have left, but whose spouse has stayed in the WT and in the marriage.

  For me it comes down to my own mental anguish. I am mentally tortured by attending the meetings, yet I feel compelled to because my wife would kill me with her personality if I had her drag 2 small girls by herself there. If I go, I suffer severe anxiety, and If I do not go, I also suffer anxiety because I am sensitive to how she feels. I also suffer because I cannot stop my daughters from getting dragged to the KH. If I stood my ground and my wife left me, they would still have to go alot anyways. I truly feel like a trapped animal in a lose lose situation. I feel like a hostage, and a prisoner in my own home and life ad I feel the resentment grow every day.

  One of the worst parts is that my wife sees that I am sad and depressed and tries to get the reason why out of me. I placate her with the valid reasons like how our car failed inspection and we are down to one small vehicle, how we are in forclosure and bankrupcy and are both exhausted from having a 2 month old newborn in the house. If I am honest as to why she will feak out maing it 20 times worse for me. I try to stay positive, I really do, but its growing harder. My oldest daughter will be 5 in December so I know I cannot continue this KH attending charade much longer. She will be asking her daddy questions about JW things and I cannot decieve her little mind, yet if I answer honsetly, she will see the division between me and my wife, make a big issue of it and of course this will start a mini WW3. So If I am dishonest with her, the peace continues but I suffer from supporting the JW falsehoods and I will feel like scum for that. If I am honest with her it will bring out JW momma bear and I will be the target. I will, within a day or 2 be swarmed by my hardcore parents, in laws, and the local elders. I dont know how I would handle all of that, but If I fail to wake up my wife, I will have no choice. This must be what it feels like to be a cornered animal.

  In the meantime, I still do fun things with my family, plenty of activities, try to show kindness and love to my wife, although I struggle to feel close to someone I cannot be honest with about something so fundemental in life. I do this so that she will see that my problem lies with the WT and not her. I know JWs are black and white thinkers so when someone leaves JWs it is often viewed as betraying the spouse as well. I want her to feel my love for her, but it is so hard to be upbeat when I am now under such heavy stress. I dont mean to complain, but you people are all I can talk to who will understand.

  For those of us with spouses still in, how is your progress going sharing TTATT? Is it slowly but surely or is no progress apparent? Do you have a plan, or just playing it by ear? I look forward to hearing your responses :)
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  wannabefree

  My wife is still in. Holding on as hard as she can. It sucks. No progress. She doesn't trust me and is suspicious. I first tried to share with her TTATT, but this did not go well at all. Since I have been more successful reaching my kids to different degrees, she views me as an enemy in some ways. How long can a marriage last like that?
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  OneEyedJoe

  So much of what you wrote resonates with me. I'm fairly newly awakened, and luckily I don't have the added mental stress of having to think about kids, but my wife is definitely still in. I go to the meetings doing everything I can (including going to the back to read posts here) to keep from flipping out. While I'm not normally an emotional person, I am when it comes to my wife. I can't stand it knowing she's mad or stressed or unhappy or anything, so it's difficult to work up to doing something that I know will result in that, even if it's for her own good.

  Like you, I'm focusing on being a good and loving husband. When it comes to any 'kingdom' activity, I subtly try to amplify the negatives in a way that highlights them without making me look negative. This is usually done by making a little bit of a show of some sacrifice that I'm making to go to the meeting or whatever (being vague so as not to completely reveal my identity) and I think it's working to make her subconsiously view JW stuff in a slightly more negative light.

  We're all in it together.
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  Raton

  I don't completely fit your description as I have never been in. However my wife was born in and I have only starting sharing TTATT. So far she get defensive or ignores me. Up until recently I thought the JWs had some issues but once I really got into it I realized she needs out for her and for our kids.

  My plan going forward is to take it slow. I could just show her all the information tomorrow but that would overload her and she would just be defensive. I have many topics but I want to be able to have new stuff to show two years from now if its still needed. I guess you could start by finding an old WT that shows one lie to begin with and share your feelings about her like you did in this post. Then every once in awhile come across another WT that bothers you and so on. I may not have really good answers. I am just starting on this myself.
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  Frazzled UBM

  I never was a Witness but my wife is - she has stopped going regularly so she spends time with me and my son. I arrange a lot of family activities on Sundays to keep her away from the KH. She doesn't talk to me about what is going on in her head because she views me as an opposer and so is not open about what she is thinking. This can be very frustrating.

  I don't think she knows TTATT but I suspect she has started to question what is taught about worldly people and the imminent arrival of Armageddon. Sometimes the cult personality appears when the guilt and shame for not attending the KH seems to kick in. I suspect this may be triggered by shepherding calls (I overheard at least one call form an elder) but she won't acknowledge that.

  I have offered to write letters or pay for legal advice to protect her from being df'd or pressured to da but she has not taken me up on the offer. Things are much better than a year ago when she attended regularly but the not knowing what she is thinking is difficult.
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  BU2B

  Oneeyedjoe- I feel the same way. I just cant enjoy my day if my wife is upset, sad, or depressed. Its even worse if I was the cause of it. However torturing ourselves isnt much of an alternative.

  wannabefree- are you completely stopped going to meetings? Are you DA or DF or just faded? I feel for you bro, it is a really tough position to be in. I believe 100% that my wife would blow me in to the elders, or to my parets who would then blow me in.
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  BU2B

  Raton- That is good advice as far as not overloading. The desire can be to dump all of our knowledge in a short time, but the wisest thing is like you said, to take it slow and let the little tidbits of TTATT sink in slowly over time.

  FrazzledUBM- Sounds like you have made good progress. Just the fact that she does not feel compelled to attend every meeting unless deathly ill is a good sign.. Keep up the fight :)
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  Frazzled UBM

  Raton - I am in the same boat as you. I overloaded my wife with TTATT and it was totally counterproductive - she went into full cult personality mode and shut down. According to my new improved apprach I don't speak to her about TTATT at all. I love bomb her and arrange family activities to do as an alternative to the KH.

  It is a matter of using Witness recruiting tactics in reverse - love bombing and doing a good witness (by showijng through your behaviour that worldly peole are ntowaht the WBTS portays us as. If you are going to introduce TTATT I would use that approach rather than attack doctrine. Something along the lines of 'What did they say about worldly people in the WT study, Awake, Watchtower or in the meeting this week?' When they said that did you think of me? Do you think I behave in the way they say worldly peole behave? What about (name your familoy members who are not Witnesses who she is fond of) are they like that?' This should start to introduce doubt. Good luck

  BU2B - hang in there buddy and keep up the good fight. Cheers Fraz
• 

  DesirousOfChange

  Since you are in such real emotional turmoil, express to your wife that the emotional stress is from WT issues that "don't add up" and you KNOW that to approach the elders would bring their wrath upon your household. Ask for her help. And STFU and let her try to answer things. One issue at a time.

  For example, neither of us pursued higher education because The End(TM) was soooo close. That was pre-1975 and we all know how that prediction went. Recently we found ourselves affected by the economic downturn (collapse) and unqualified to really compete in the job market due to that lack of education, plus we are too old to be attractive employment candidates when 30-year olds and 40-year olds are all out there competing in the same market. But, we are too young and definitely too poor to retire since we didn't need to do any planning for retirement because [drum roll] The End(TM) was soooooo near.

  Fast forward to now. What does WT say about education? Cut & Paste. Cut & Paste that same old crap they said in 1969 about NO NEED for higher education because [drum roll again, please] The End(TM) is sooooooooo very very near.

  Just forget the idea that there would be any kind of apology for totally f***ing up the lives of everyone from our generation. That will NEVER happen. But, they continue on spouting the same old re-packaged bullshit and will destroy the lives of many more young people. THIS IS EVIL.

  Why would Jehovah do this? Where was their mistake? Did someone misread the Holy Spirit? Is Jah/Jesus/HS bad at communicating to HIS chosen channel of communication? WHERE WAS THE F*CKUP? When else did Jehovah fail to follow through with what he said through his chosen spokesperson? Now, express those thoughts to someone of the Clergy Class and watch out for the shit-storm that will come your way.

  Sounds like your are in the same kind of financial situation. Can you tactfully express such thoughts to her and get her thinking. Remember you (nor she) can risk going to the Elders as it would "mark" you. You (she) needs to do the private research. When she sees there is no reasonable answer to that. WTS is either Jehovah's channel or not. They either get His message right or they do not. (NOT) When in the BIBLE was there ever need for constantly changing New Light?

  Now you see where they are losing lawsuits all over the country. Remember in the past, they won 40 of 50 cases on freedom of religion. That was evidence of Jehovah's Blessing. Why are they losing all of the court cases now? When Israel lost battles it was because they had lost Jehovah's favor and blessing. Has WTS lost Jehovahs blessing? Then why all the failed court cases? Surely Jehovah could sway the minds of jurors or judges if he was blessing them.

  You know, in the past there were apostates that infiltrated Bethel all the way to the top. The same way that Israel had wicked kings and priests. Remember the Convention drama of Elijah and the Baal worshipping priests. Did the righteous Israelites blindly follow those wicked pagan priests? Should be we blindly following the "priests" today that appear to have lost Jehovah's blessing?

  Oh the turmoil.

  Doc
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  wannabefree

  Yes, I have completely stopped. She has known for four years, I let it all out too soon and then had to retreat. She immediately called an elder who set up a meeing. I kept going to meetings and service, I stopped service after about a year, I cut my meeting attendance off gradually and stopped going to hall after about two years. I haven't been to a meeting since Memorial 2013 and I did go to the convention that year too. Haven't been to anything JW related since. I suppose you could say I have faded, but with family dynamics as they are, I don't see that as a permanent deal. Since I keep trying to reach my kids, I imagine the Borg will have to deal with me eventually.