Have been visiting JWN for about a week now and it motivated me to join. I look forward to meeting everyone I can and learning from their experiences and wisdom as i search for more and more reasons not to get reinstated. Here's most of my story:
Moved to Florida from Indiana with my immediate family in 2005 when i was 18 to attend college shortly before the "anti-education" kick took full force and in support of my fam (dad is a pharmacist) and even some elders (engineers). By this time i had just been baptized in 2004 and had aux pioneered one month (actually liked it minus the fact it brought lots of guilt when i would have a tug-of-war with cyclops). Anyway, went to college and didn't like the new cong too much. Didn't join the school for as long as i could take the peer pressure to do so before i did. My younger brother flourished and loved every bit. I got baptized at 17 on the same day my younger brother did back in Indy 2004 simply because i didn't want to look bad as people would tease me that my 13yr old brother was getting baptized before me even though deep down i felt that i needed much more time and research before i dedicate my life to something as i could barely hold my own at school with my faith. He was book smart but couldn't think for himself and thus flourished in our new cong now in 2005 whose elders followed a very militaristic way of leadership and hierarchy in the cong. I was very turned off to this new cong as i could tell my parents were too.
Got a job at a gym in 2008 and met this girl. Worked with her for 5months before we started "dating" for 3 months which consisted of dinners, marathons, workouts, and cooking at her house. Never so much as kissed her simply because she wasnt a JW and once strong feelings were established this fact would bring me to tears everytime i left her place. Prayed to Jehovah to give me a JW girl like this one because I couldnt take it anymore. Sure enough one week later im at a "get together" from another cong and meet a girl my age. Married within 10months and that marriage ended at 2.5yrs with her consistent adultery after going through months of near;y "catching" her at it before she confessed. Elders privately reproved her and we tried to make it work and that lasted two months before she was back at it again. Agreed to divorce dec 2011 and it finally went through july 2012.
Spent most of 2012 partying and spending $$ to fill my new void. Stopped going to meetings as it would only remind me of being there "happily married with my wife next to me" and now she wasnt and not all members of the cong were caught up to date and for almost 2 months i would get the random "so where's your wife?" and I would be fine with it until i went to sleep that night. Met a few girls since then but fell in love with the one i currently live happily with and for the last year and 4 months.
I had over the years questioned some things about JW doctrine and jusitfications for doing some things. Especially after taking philosophy, 3 dif psychology courses, and critical think/writing and technical communications courses in college. Even before my marriage I would notice the circular reasonings, and the watchtowers use of rhetorical fallacies and black & white blanket statements. However anytime I would dig into these things or bring them up to my then wife she would scream "apostate!" and stop the conversation. She also didn't like me occasionally texting my best friend from childhood who was recently DF'd for dating and sleeping with a worldly girl who he is now engaged to. For most of this year I have been digging deeper into the org. I had previously been "scarred" of searching outside sources for info on JW doctrine as so commanded by platform. But every so often I did in college but my faith would be reaffirmed by the youtube videos, their iggnorant comments, or ex-jw forums where all i saw was foul mouthed haters who ranted solely about excommunication and elders being assholes. Anything else i saw i would shrug off as this is the "truth" and whereelse is there to go?
First thing that really peaked my interest was a convention in 2010 and the slightly modified "understanding" of the "generation" was explained and i was perplexed and to me it came off as desperate rectifying. Even worse was then hearing the logic behind the "light getting brighter" in depth. I stopped taking notes, looked around and thought "is anyone really buying this shit?" and of course anyone not sleeping or seeing who might be sleeping was taking notes brainlessly or starring at the stage counting the plants. Fastforward again to 2013 and I dig depper into 1914, using only a calculator and the insight books i come to realize the WT and GB may very well come up with ideas from bathroom stall graffiti. Looked more into birthdays, blood issue, and finally 2007 pedophilia and contemplating why known child abusers arent announced as "sex offenders" upon being reproved or DF'd as they should be to protect the flock. That did it for me. Fortunately, I have very understanding parents who themselves are frustrated with their cong, and my brother who now has through his hubris, has stopped talking to them. My parents still talk to me but keep it secret of course. They even had my GF and I over for dinner! And are bringing my grandma over to our house this week for dinner! I'm truly blessed. I miss my brother though and the only reason I would use previously to reinstate would be to reestablish connection with him and future nephews and neices. Doubt now that I ever will.
Sorry for the long intro, theres reall so much more. I just want to express my gratitude for a place like this even existing and I appreciate it already very much!
"The root of suffering is attachment" -Buddah