Fading ... and Feeling Lost

by What Now? 43 Replies latest jw experiences

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  DesirousOfChange

  What Now? -- The last meeting I went to, I was sitting there and suddenly realized that I just did not want to be there.

  It has been our plan to occasionally "make" a meeting or two, just to maintain some relationships. When it is time to get dressed, we find that neither of us really wants to attend. So we don't. We realize that the longer we are absent the more difficult it will be for anyone to stay in contact with us.

  What Now? --to suddenly find ourselves in this sort of social vacuum is very difficult for me. After a lifetime of "instant friendships" found within the congregation, I've realized that I don't REALLY know how to make friends.

  That has been an issue for us, as well. Most of our social friends now, are other Faders(TM). Even one DFd friend (with caution). Interestingly, the DFd friend is the JW zealot amongst the group. Sadly, the faders have taken up vices in which we do not care to be involved. Smoking. Over-drinking. Promiscuity. But we try not to be judgemental and let them live their lives however they choose.

  Still, making NEW friends has been difficult. Most of our family that we are close with are also JWs, but fortunately they are not zealots and don't really care. However they live far from us.

  We are old fuddy-duddys. Sounds like you are a young couple with children and I hope that opens many new opportunities to you.

  Doc
• 

  flipper

  WHAT NOW ? - I totally empathize with what you're going through. It is a real challenge to form new friendships after stopping attending meetings. But I've found the new friendships I've made with ex-Jws and other non-Witnesses have been much more real, fulfilling friendships that are unconditional friendships where they will be there for me no matter what, and I'll be there for them as well no matter what.

  Inside the Witnesses we had strictly conditional friendships - based on how much field service time we turned in, how much we commented at meetings, or if we were regular at attending meetings. If we faltered at any of those activities - the friends become minimal or avoid us. Not so OUTSIDE the Jehovah's Witnesses. As JW's we had friends based on how well we did WT functions, not on how kind, loving, or a decent ethical person we were. And that's a big lesson I've learned since exiting the Witnesses almost 10 years ago. There are LOTS of ethical, kind, very caring non-Witness people to form friendships with out in the real world. Good luck to you. We are here for you as well and we offer our friendship as well ! We are here to support you my friend. Peace out, mr. Flipper
• 

  rebel8

  Have you checked meetup.com? Not just for ex-jw stuff but for anything that interests you.

  Funny, I am child-free and most of the people we meet want to hang out with others who have kids.
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  OnTheWayOut

  Everyone eventually has to find themself. Wishes of success on that. I am a bit of a loner content to read a book or swim in the ocean by myself but even I needed friends. I found them among Ex Jehovah's Witnesses. they make awesome friends.
  Maybe you will find other parents or maybe find friends with hobbies similar to yours. keep looking.
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  Lozhasleft

  It takes time. Most of us have felt how you feel. Gradually you get used to the normality of non-instant friendships. The real ones are far better too, worth the work and the wait. The KH ones weren't really 'real' you know? Aren't there any pregnancy classes etc in your area that would help you to meet people? The trick is to be interested in others of course, but give yourself time to readjust and move on. It really does get better....

  Loz x
• 

  snare&racket

  I remember the day i decided I wanted to be a JW the rest of my life....

  15 years later......

  I remember the circuit assembly day I wanted to no longer be a JW for the rest of my life...
• 

  Adventurousone

  What Now:

  Hello I feel for you. I'm glad you have your husband atleast you have him to talk too. I hope your taking your prenatal vitamins because that can help in some way to releive some of the depression your going through. If the weathers nice you should take a walk each day. Just by getting out can change your outlook on somethings. I hope you continue to write to us because theres always someone to respond to you. For now you have us and we have you and boy are we greatful for that. My husband and I send our love to you and your family. Take care of yourself.

  Adventurousone
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  His Excellency

  marking
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  redvip2000

  Growing up in a JW congregation, you never really need to learn how to make friends. The organization does that for you. What is interesting is that even two JWs who share no interests will still be friends or at the very minimum friendly simply because they are both in a JW congregation and share that bond.

  In the outside world, where that bond does not exist, is much harder. Nobody has an "obligation" to like you.

  Leaving friendships that were nurtured all of your life in an instant is traumatic. Most people's circle of friends are made of people who've been there over the years, and it takes time to break into that circle. It's hard work and it take dedication, and tons of initiative but it can be done and you can slowly build a support group outside of the bOrg. Stay strong and persist
• 

  What Now?

  Thank you much everyone for your continued support and encouragement.

  Your kind words have meant very much to me, and you have given me some great ideas. I wish I could reply to each and every one of you individually, but time, and a busy toddler won't allow me to!

  Our plan last year was to move and then fade out quickly in our new congregation. Unfortunately, the house we found that was perfectly suited to our needs at the time, was a little too close to where we were before. We are literally on the other side of the road from our former territory. That has made fading difficult. We should have moved to a completely new city, although in the witness world, everybody knows someone! As our convention weekend just passed, it's only a matter of time before word gets out that we are not attending meetings.

  We are trying to make new connections in our community ... It's just proving a bit difficult. I tried joining a mom to mom group but it was cancelled. That was really disheartening. My husband is making an effort into reaching out to a guy at work ... Him and his wife are about 15 years older than us with older kids, but it's a start.

  We have tried reaching out to our non witness family, doing more things with them, especially without our parents. But that too has its own challenges. Our parents really limited association with their "worldly" family once they became witnesses, and really deprived us of the opportunity to grow up and be friends with our cousins. They have this whole life that is completely separate from ours, inside jokes and stories that we could never be a part of, and that can be hard.

  I wish there was more of en ex-witness community where we live, or at least I wish I knew where to find them. It would be an easy place to start.

  I also wish I was closer to so many of you that have replied to this thread! I would love to meet all of you ... But I'm up here in good old Canada. if you're ever in Ontario, hit us up! ;)

  Thanks again for all the support.