JW played me and broke my heart

by new22day 63 Replies latest jw friends

  • new22day

    Hi - first time poster and came here out of sadness and to vent I guess as I have no one to talk to about this. I have had my heart broken by a reinstated JW I dated for two years. He was raised JW but not practicing when we met. We had lots of fun together. I was swept off my feet as they say and thought I had found ‘the one’.

    He relocated to my city and moved 10 minutes away to be close and we’re pretty much together all the time. A few months in he decided to start going to meetings again. He said he was just checking it out, not thinking of returning but he went more and more. Over time our relationship began to sour. One thing we fought about was this secret life he led that I wasn’t a part of. I never met any of his friends and the few times I happened to bump into him with people it was clear they had no idea I existed in his life, although he had happily met all of my friends and family. He also never referred to us as ‘dating’ and always introduced me as a ‘friend’. It bugged me.

    One day I found a letter to his parents, telling them he was about to be reinstated. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him about it and he said he hadn’t mailed it because he didn’t know if he wanted to be reinstated and he would decide if and when that happened. We were having sex, which I knew was a big no no in the religion, and I was also under the impression JWs could not date outside their faith. This decision had a pretty big consequence on me and I think I deserved to be given a heads up about this. He said I was wrong he could date me and he could even marry me as well. It was allowed. It just didn’t add up from what I knew.

    A few weeks later I decided I was tired of being a secret and was done. I decided to drop some things off with his landlady who I knew was studying with him. I told her I was his girlfriend. She was kind but clear that she had never heard of me before (2 years!) He freaked out when he found out I spoke with her and told me it was over he would never have a trouble-maker in his life. WTF? And fine by me! But after a week or so it starts all over again – a ton of text messages telling me how much he misses me. I fall for it and we hang out again. Then one night he slips and mentions that he was already reinstated. It had happened weeks before we split and he never told me. Now he is moving to Kelowna in a few months to start again fresh. He calls me all the time and I decided to be supportive but distance myself. Anyhow the other night he was over and I told him how the past two years of lies have impacted me. He said very little and then replied with an email the next day saying he’d like to always keep me as a ‘dear friend’ and stay in touch after he moves away! OMG! (or OMJ!) He takes no responsibility for his lying or the pain this relationship has caused me. It’s like he has no conscience or basic morality. I am so sad and I can’t believe that I, the worldly one, am the bad guy here. No one has treated me so poorly before. My heart is broken and I can’t even have a real conversation with him about it. It’s like talking to a wall. Is it that easy to discard worldlys? I don't know what answers I expect. I am embarassed to be in this situation and I don't feel I can talk to my friends about it as they will think I am crazy for being in this situation. I feel that way too. So sad...cause I really loved him. :( It's so easy for him to leave me now and I don't get that.

  • mrsjones5

    I know it hurts but it's better it happened now than later. Cut the commiunication and move on.

  • Retrovirus

    Welcome, New22day!

    So sorry to hear your story. You have been through a lot!

    It might help you understand to read some of jgnat'sposts, especially those about her life with her jw husband. I'm a never-jw, but the impression I get is that the jw religion supports cognitive dissonance.

    I hope that over time you come to understand that you had a lucky escape. A guy who can simultaneously lie to his partner and his religious mentors can bring you nothing but trouble.

    As Mrs Jones said, avoid any further communication with him. Keep busy with whatever you enjoy - or used to enjoy.

    Wishing you better times, Retro

  • ldrnomo

    You are definitly better off.

  • OneDayillBeFree

    I am truly sorry for you! I can relate a bit, as something similiar happend to me and a girl I once knew, although I'm currently a JW for family reasons. She was just attending meetings because her family went, but in the beginning she never believed any of it. We hung out a lot and we "dated" (in the JW sense) for a about half a year.

    Then, she became a non-baptized publisher which is a fancy way of saying a person who knocks on doors and gives the mags to people without being an official member. Then, she went to New York to visit bethel for a week and came back a different person. She said if I didnt return to jehovah then I would die in armaggeddon!She got baptized later that year and I havent spoken to her since.

    As to your question, (is it that easy to discard wordly's?) the sad truth is yes, it is. Once they have been indoctrinated, or in his case re-indoctrinated and return, they are mentally manipulated to just suddenly cut you off, w/out feeling bad or regret about it because in their eyes they've done the right thing for jehovah. It's just wrong on so many levels.

    It's sad to watch the one you loved turn into something they are not and It's downright depressing when they go back to a religion that is so twisted and messed up. If you fell in love with him, it was 100% in. But to a JW, especially those who are out but looking to get back in, they can only ever be half in love with a "worldy". According to their beliefs, worldy people will be destroyed by god at armageddon, so they dont even really truly care about them. I do wonder if he ever confessed to having you as a girlfriend to the elders, or better yet, that you two had sex.

    Your story is a cruel reminder of just how important it is to not get emotionally involved with jehovahs witnesses. I know that it will be difficult for you, but just hang in there. It will get better. It just takes time.

    I'll PM you if you need someone to talk to, like you said it can be a bit embarrassing to talk to others about this.


    Oh and welcome to the forum!

  • clarity


    Sorry you were decieved by such a liar!


    Yes you are much better off without this kind of person,

    'religious' or not!


    You sound like a person with more values than this jw!

    Perhaps you should go to his KH and confess what has happened btw

    the two of you .... did you say he was 'using' you at the same time

    he was pretending to be repentant and on the straight & narrow!!!!?


    Maybe it would be a way to 'wash' that guy right out of your hair?

    They say contriteness is good for the soul so.... maybe confess to the

    elders, making sure to name your buddy!


    That is a bit 'tongue' in cheek ... but can you imagine this guy,

    loose in a congregation with dozens of nieve young single females?


    The ratio of single women to single men in WT is ridiculous!


    Hoping the best for you and that you choose wisely... having learned from this.


    This religious cult can really screw with your head ... I hope he is able to

    wise up & get out someday!


  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep
    One thing we fought about was this secret life he led that I wasn’t a part of

    That was a very good warning sign. Learn from this experience and move on.

    I'm really sorry that I can't offer better advice, or consolation. I should be able to, I'm a born-in who married a non-JW, but high control groups mess with their member's heads in a way that their members have difficulty understanding even when they are 'out'.

    Run away


  • happy@last
    [email protected]

    It sounds to me like you talked about this cult at length, and yet he still went back. As he is not trying to 'save you', count it as a blessing, and try and forget about him, he is clearly not worth it. It's a really sad story, but I can't see any happy ending except that you are free to carry on your life as you want, he is not.

  • unstopableravens

    wow im really sorry, your story is rough. this cult makes people do horrible things. by the sound of it, he was lying to you,his landlord,his friends ,the elders,and himself. you deserve someone who will be honest!

  • Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious

    Please keep in mind he is under a lot of cult mind control. If you don't want to go through the extremely rigorous, long, draining process of deprogramming him, then just cut your ties and find another good man. Hopefully one who hasn't handed his brain over to a cult.

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