I have been "lurking" for about four years now.
It was an incredibly weird experience just to look at a site like JWN or freeminds. It didn't feel liberating, and my mind was anything but free. It made me angry, even sad. "This can't be!" I thought to myself.
I was 21 when I discovered Ray Franz and Ed Dunlap. I gave them the full benefit of the doubt and read both of Ray's books and Ed's mp3 commentary. Needless to say, the feelings I felt were indescribable. I had nightmares and lost sleep to the point where I couldn't think straight. How can these things be? Ray was SO NICE! He wasn't hateful, bitter, or spiteful. He came off very loving.
So, I decided that I would talk to one of my elders about the things I read. I did, and I felt better. He let me go through everything, one by one, on my piece of paper. He listened. He didn't stop me, condemn me, or make me feel stupid. He told me the usual Peter "where would we go?" and he showed me Galatians 1:8 that talks about an angel declaring good news that isn't really good news. So if the angels are capable of leaving Jehovah, then it's very possible for GB members or Gilead Instructors to leave Him as well.
And his whole mentality was 'so what if 1914 is wrong? If it's wrong, it'll change. And it may be something that won't change until the new system is here.' I thought that was so remarkable because I felt the whole religion hinged on 1914. He admitted that there were various things he didn't understand either, but he had decided to wait for the new system instead of abandoning his hope. It was nice because he wasn't some drone saying, "Jehovah is good, Satan is bad, and the Watchtower is always right no matter what!"
From that point, I didn't look another apostate thing for about two years.
By then I got married, moved to another congregation, and became a servant. The elders were not like I was used to. The congregation is not very warm or loving. It's very different and it's been a hard adjustment. But after a while it broke me down and I got very 'discouraged' and unenthusiastic about the truth. I didn't 'feel' it anymore. This whole time though, I'd been keeping those 'apostate thoughts' in the back of my mind. They'd creep up every once in a while but I'd sweep them under the rug, so to speak. But finally I've reached a tipping point where I can't do that any more. And that's what brings me to the main thrust of my post. Why I Am Here.
WHY I'M HERE
When I read of Candace Conti on the news, my curiosity sparked and I went back to where I knew I could find info, JWN and freeminds. Now at the age of 24, I relived everything I felt when I first learned these things. But this time, I do feel liberated.
My problem is, I so badly WANT to believe that the Watchtower is right. I want them to be used by Jehovah. But the problem is...I don't think they are right...and I don't think Jehovah is using them.
Things I Could Never Believe - Trinity, Hellfire, and the condition of the dead. Those things are surefire to me.
Things I Don't Believe - Blood transfusions, the misuse of disfellowshipping, 607 and 1914.
Things I am Unsure Of - Governing Body, Mediatorship, 2 class system, Earthly Paradise, Armageddon, and according to Watchtower theology-where is the command for the Great Crowd to preach?
So now the main point of my post is this. How can I be SURE that the Watchtower organization is NOT being used by Jehovah? How can I be sure that they just haven't gone astray like the apostate nation of Israel?
Even though the Israelites did some of the most stupidest things on earth...they were still Jehovah's nation, even though he may not have been too proud of them.
"I will make Israel an object of mockery and ridicule among the nations." I Kings 9:7: It certainly seems as if Jehovah is letting the Watchtower get mocked, and rightfully so. But will they ever be acceptable to him?
Ezekiel 36:15 says "And I shall cause no further humiliating talk by the nations to be heard concerning you, and reproach by peoples you will bear no more, and your nations you will no more cause to stumble,' is the utterance of the Sovereign Lord Jehovah." Could the Watchtower get His favor again some day?
My second Point is this: If the Watchtower is wrong, then what does God want from us? What was Jesus really trying to teach us? Is there going to be an earthly paradise ever or is a hevenly reward for all? What is the ressurrection really about? What is our hope, really?
I'm so confused on what is REALLY going on in the Bible. (And yes, I do believe it, even with all its fantasical tales of fanstasy and obvious contracdictions. I believe in my heart that the original writings are somewhere to be found and they will clear up the incosistencies. Then the problem is, what's authentic and what's not?)
I've mentally checked out of the organization for now, but I can't ever see myselft leaving because ALL of my family and friends are in it. My wife is super hardcore. It took me 4 years of these thoughts simmering in my mind for me to finally realize that the Watchtower is wrong about a lot of stuff.
How can I even begin to "wake up" my hardcore wife? It just seems an impossibilty. I can't keep living a lie. I want to do what God (Jehovah?) expects of me. But I don't know what to do! Where do I turn?
If any of you have time to read this, thank you. And, if any of you have time to respond, I thank you very much. I just feel kinda so dazed and confused by all this. Lost really.
P.S. Sorry about the long post, I guess I just had a lot to get off my chest, and I'm not the most eloquent writer so I may seem to be rambling on at certain points.