You're sister must be going through a very hard time at the moment, having split up with her husband. That is enough for anyone to handle at any one time and it is understandable that she hasn't responded to your letter. Let's hope that you planted some seeds and she doesn't forget them in all her turmoil.
The New Diary of Winston Smith
by WinstonSmith 336 Replies latest jw experiences
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WinstonSmith
Oubliette, Listener, thank you for bearing with me as I share it. For all her faults, my sister is a smart woman I love the heck out of her, no matter what. As you will see, I think I may have another opportunity to 'check in' with her about her feelings. But you will have to wait until I get to that part of the story...
Alrighty, so I mentioned earlier what the current situation is with my sister. Here is a rundown of the recent events with mum.
A few months ago Mrs Smith and I had the opportunity to catch up with mum. While we were chatting mum said that a couple of things I had said about the elders had her worried. She asked what in particular had annoyed me. I thought perhaps now is the time to start laying it all out for mum, and begin to get her used to the idea that we may not be around JWs in the future.
So I gave her a few examples from here in Australia and from back in New Zealand where the secret elder’s book and procedure have taken precedent over the scriptures and Christian love. Each example I gave was real, and based on something I had witnessed firsthand. After hearing these, she agreed that we were right to be annoyed and upset. The good thing is, this was around the time all the crap went down with my sister and brother in law, and during that episode, mum had seen on several occasions that the elder’s book was referred to for instructions rather than the scriptures. When the elder’s were talking about whether or not they could keep their privileges, of course since ‘pioneering’ and ‘privileges’ are mentioned nowhere in the bible, they had to use the Shepherd book.
I wondered out loud to mum “I wonder what scripture they based their decision on” knowing full well that there ain’t one. There is no scripture saying that pioneering is a thing. There is no scripture saying that privileges are a thing. There is no scripture saying that the removal of privileges can be used as a form of punishment. She of course agreed that the scriptures don’t mention these things. It strikes me as odd that when we are a JW, we know these things aren’t in the scriptures, yet we never think about how these things are used to goad people.
As we talked more, I said to her that one of the reasons I stepped down as an elder was because of one thing in the Shepherd book that I never ever wanted to be a party to. You could see from her face that she was thinking “What could possibly be so bad, bad enough to make you want to remove yourself from being an elder?”
So I told her.
Well, I didn’t exactly tell her, I used some questions to draw her out so I could concrete this in her mind, and see and gauge her reaction at each step of the way. I started with “If you were an elder and a little girl came up to you and said ‘Brother X touched me’ what would you do?” She replied that she would talk with the girl and with her parents and learn more. I asked “Would you call the police?” She said she would talk to Brother X and get his side of things.
Then I asked “So if Brother X admits that he did touch her, what would you do?” She said “Well, we would need to ensure that he never gets the chance to be alone with kids ever again.” Interesting answer I thought, so I continued “Would you tell the police?” To this she said that she was not sure, so I rephrased the question: “Would you call the police and report this crime?”
Her reply to this was that she was not sure what she would do and that she would hate to be in that situation. I agreed that it would be an awful position to be in. Next I asked “So what if, when you talked to Brother X and if you met with him and the elders he denied that he had touched the little girl. What would you do?”
I said “You don’t have to answer that, I’ll tell you what the elder’s book says on this matter.” I said “Can you guess what the first course of action is? The very first thing in the very first paragraph after mentioning this scenario?” She shook her head so I answered “It says, not to call the police, but says that you have to call the branch, and they will advise you what to do. And do you know what they advise you to do if you are in a state that has mandatory reporting of child abuse? They advise you to go to a telephone box and call the police, then give them the information anonymously.”
Now of course, the phone box thing is not in the Shepherd book, I shared this with mum based on what I have read from many experiences posted on JWN and elsewhere. Mum’s response was “Well, that’s weird. I guess this is so at least it is reported, and it does not bring reproach on Jehovah’s name.” All I could say back was “This has nothing to do with protecting Jehovah’s name, the reputation of the congregation, or most importantly, the kid. This is entirely to protect the society legally.”
At this point she was sitting there with a wide mouthed :-O look on her face, so I used the lull in the conversation to explain and show to her what the Shepherd book goes on to advise. “The book says that after speaking with the little one you should talk to the accused. If they confess, they get punished by losing their privileges. If they deny it, the elders have to meet with the accuser and the accused (yes, together in the same room) and ask again what happened. If the accused still denies it, mum do you know what the book says should be done?”
She just shook her head and I continued “It says that as there were not two witnesses to the incident, wrongdoing can’t be established. A note should be made in the congregation file, and the matter should be left up to Jehovah.” I got goosebumps as I related this because this completely creeps me out. I said to mum that even saying that gave me goosebumps and all she said was “That is so wrong! What about that little girl? Kids don’t just make this stuff up!” Poor mum, she looked like she had been punched in the chest.
“This,” I said “Is my issue. I could not in good conscience put myself in a position to have to follow that procedure, because it is just plain rubbish. We are not talking about a ‘sin’ here (two witnesses required) we are talking about a crime.” It was clear that I had made an impact.
And then it got more interesting....
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WinstonSmith
So by this point in the conversation, I’m thinking that at any moment mum is going to leap up and throw herself under the nearest bus, or perhaps, throw ME under the nearest bus. But no, this did not happen. She said “You know somehow I knew you were going to say that it was the two witness thing, because Sister J (a very good family friend) had this thrown at her once before.”
My turn to be intrigued.
I asked her to explain. “Well before she was going to be married to Brother J, the elders asked her if she was scripturally free to marry. Sister J was shocked as it is well known that her previous husband from before she was a JW has since been married another two times (and divorced another two times). The elders asked Sister J if her ex had any kids with any of his other wives. When she replied ‘No’ the elder said ‘So there is no proof that he has had sex with either of them making you scripturally free to marry. Are there witnesses to them having sex?”
My turn for my jaw to hit the ground.
Sister J (always one to tell it like it is) says to the elder “Are you telling me that since my ex husband doesn’t have any kids that I might not be scripturally free to get married? Are you seriously suggesting that this man and his wives have never had sex?” The reply from the elder was “Well, there is no proof.” So of course Sister J and her about-to-be husband were gobsmacked, and were now thinking that maybe the brothers wouldn’t let them get married. So Sister J felt she had to write a letter to her ex husband and ask him if he had sex with either of his wives!
Mum went on to explain that the ex husband never replied so Sister J went back to the elder and said that she had contacted him and asked him, but had not received a reply so they were not sure what to do. The elder replied “Why did you do that? You didn’t have to do that.”
I kid you not. You cannot make this stuff up. I was shocked. I have seen some things when I was serving as an elder, but this kind of thing is just prying too far! And then for the elder to just fob it off? Man if I was Sister J, my foot would be setting up camp in his groin area.
So with that said, I said to mum that the more I read the scriptures on their own, the more I realise that it is up to us as individuals to render our account to Jehovah. Not for some congregational police force to investigate and pass judgement on. I pointed out that whenever the word ‘elder’ was used in the scriptures it had a small e at the front indicating that it was a level of maturity, not a rank. She agreed, again we are aware of these things as JWs, but it never occurs for us to question why they are used against us. The scriptures are blurred out by the rules and regulations.
The WTS preys on the vulnerable. Think about who makes up a large part of the numbers in a congregation. Single mums, poor people, and uneducated middle class. Easy prey. The others who might have full families in are generally second or third generation and are well set up financially. And of course these are often the ones who are the elders and wield control over the sheep.
Anyway, I digress! So after she had related the story of Sister J, and explaining that she is cognisant of the stupidity of the two witness rule, I said that after I stepped down I thought that maybe I had been too harsh, too critical, too quick to judge (I didn’t really think that, but I was segueing into what I wanted to say to her next). “But then” I said, “I heard about a sexual abuse case in America about a young lady called Candace Conti. Up until her case the WTS had managed to settle abuse claims out of court, but this lady took them on, and won. She got awarded $21,000,000. Do you know why the WTS lost the case Mum?” She didn’t of course so I explained “Because the first time the guy touched a girl, he denied it and because there weren’t two witnesses to it, he just lost his privileges. He then moved and some years later committed the sexual abuse against Candace Conti.”
Mum had a :-/ kind of look on her face. She knew I was not making this up. I said “After hearing this I felt like I had made the right decision to step down. The exact reason I chose to step down is the exact reason the WTS lost the case.” Mum gave a really honest reply: “That is awful. This is what happens when people start using a guidebook to tell them what to do instead of the scriptures or just plain common sense.” I asked “What would Jesus have done? Would he have asked the little girl if anyone else had seen the bad man touch her?” “No” she replied, “He would have picked up that little girl, held her in his arms and told her everything was gonna be okay.”
So you can imagine, at this point, my mind is going a million miles an hour. Here I am having a well reasoned ‘normal’ conversation with mum. My fear all along was that when the time came to share with her how I was really feeling she would turn on her heel and run for the hills. But no, here she was looking like a truck had run over her as she worked through the logic in her head. I was trying hard to not say anything that would be considered ‘apostate’ but rather show her the stupidity of the WTS rules and procedures, to use questioning and reasoning to help her draw her own conclusions.
And then we went deeper...
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RayPublisher
BTTT
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Oubliette
Winston, great story. It sounds like your mum is really open to hearing what you have to say. Your strategy is sound. Just give her the facts and let her draw her own conclusions.
That story about Sister J is ridiculous. Every elder knows that if two people of the opposite sex spend the night together the JW Elder presumption is that they had sex. No more evidence is needed and a denial would be ignored. So how could an elder seriously say that because a married man did not have children there was no way to know if he ever had sex with his wife. That is just so stupid.
I wouldn't believe it were possible if I didn't have first-hand knowledge of such completely absurd things happening. The fact is, most elders are completely unfit for the job. Even the best intentioned ones are not properly trained to deal with the kind of real-life situations they face, and WT policies--which are designed to protect the organization at the expense of the individuals in it--only exacerbate the problem.
I look forward to your next installment!
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WinstonSmith
Thanks for the bump Ray, and thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read through. It is quite long winded, but necessary so you can see just how it has all played out. I hope too, that someone might be able to pick up on the reasoning and use it their own conversation with a loved one.
There's more to come. I've shared about two thirds of the conversation so far, and since then, there have been a couple more. And then I have to cover Sister T.
Oubliette, as usual you are bang on with you observations. The utter stupidity of the rules is mind boggling now that we can view them from an outside vantage point. You make a great point about the assumption of sex when a JW stays with another JW of the opposite sex. I wish I had thought of that when I was talking with mum. As it is stated in black and white in the Shepherd book, I'm sure it would have made an impact.
May you all have a fabulous day. I'll write some more tonight :-)
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WinstonSmith
So, having just finished talking in a general sense about how sexual abuse is handled in the organisation, and giving the specific example of Candace Conti, I decided to make it even more real for mum, and bring it close to home. I also began to explain more about how all this had made me feel.
I started by telling her that in my city, there are no less than four elders currently in prison or before the courts for child sexual abuse, and that there is a government enquiry in to sex abuse in churches in Australia and that JWs were part of the investigation. Mum says “So how does this make you feel?” I had to be honest so I said “As a result of my experiences, the Conti case, and now these cases in Australia, I no longer believe that elders are appointed by holy spirit.”
Here again, I thought that this might be the moment where she throws me off the nearest bridge. But the interesting thing was that due to the line of reasoning I had been using up this point, and the unaccusing way I was speaking, she was actually all ears and the cult shields were not in their automatic upright position. She was genuinely interested and I could see that what we had been talking about had made sense to her. If I had just come out and said “blah blah blah child abuse, blah blah blah Conti, blah blah blah no holy spirit she would have burst into tears over losing her baby to the dark side. Mum is very smart and since she could see that I was relaying all this in a calm but confident way, I think she realised it was not a knee jerk reaction, but something we had thought long and hard about.
One of the things I had said earlier in the conversation was that the constant use of the Shepherd book was not fair to the sheep. The elders have the rule book, and only tell you when you mess up. Continuing this thought I said “Let me tell you something else that is not known to the general populace of the congregation, and the reason why I can’t believe that elders are appointed by holy spirit.”
“Each of the four elders that are currently in prison or before the courts for sex abuse committed these acts before they were appointed as elders. Note carefully that this happened BEFORE they were appointed. Yes they raped kids some time before they were appointed by holy spirit as elders in the congregation.”
I gave mum some background on how things happen when the CO comes. How before he comes the elders get together and discuss all the brothers in the congregation. Those that are publishers who might be ready to step up to MS are named and discussed. Likewise, MSs who might be ready to step up to being an elder are named and discussed. Those that the body agree on have their names put forward to the CO and are discussed with him at the Friday night meeting. The CO asks questions about them, the elders make their recommendations, and the CO notes it down. At the end of the visit, the CO gives the elders a visit report which notes all sorts of things including that the recommendations have been sent to the Society. A couple of weeks later the body of elders get a letter from the Branch saying thanks for your recommendation, we are pleased to advise that Brother X has been appointed as a MS and Brother Y as an elder. At the very next midweek meeting, before the meeting starts, two elders pull the recommended one into the back room and say hey bro, the Society agreed with our recommendation to appoint you as an elder. But before we do that we have to ask you a couple of questions. Question one: Is there anything from your past that might prevent you from being appointed as an elder? Question two: Are you currently, or have you ever been involved in the sexual abuse of children?
“So here is my point” I said to mum, “For these four elders one of two things must have happened. Either they answered ‘yes’ to question two (in other words they confirm that they have been involved in sex abuse in the past) and the elders let the appointment go ahead anyway. Or they lied by answering ‘no’ and....” Mum finished for me “And the holy spirit allowed them to get appointed despite a history of child sex abuse.” She got my point.
“If the holy spirit had anything to do with this, there is no way that this these guys would ever be considered for being an elder. The holy spirit would have seen to it that they were low hour publishers, or put some other block in the way of him ever even being considered.” Mum said she saw my point and understood my reasoning on the matter.
Mum asked again “So how does this make you feel?” but wanting her to come to her own conclusion and not state anything outright, I said “how would YOU feel?” She replied “I would be very uncomfortable with everything that I had seen and experienced.”
Her next question was “So knowing this, how can you go witnessing?” but again, wanting her to come to her own conclusion I said “What would YOU do?” Her reply was “Well I would feel I would still have to preach as this is in the scriptures.” The preaching thing, and the lack of evidence for it in the scriptures is a whole ‘nother can of worms that I didn’t want to get into at that time. So I just said what we had done when we first started waking up, that when we go out we just use the bible, and use scriptures that have meaning for us like Revelation 21:3, 4.
She said she understood and then asked “So how can you stand to sit at the meetings listening to what is being said?” Again I asked her how it would make HER feel. “Well I would go along because the scriptures say to, but I would be sitting there bored and miserable.” I just looked at her, shrugged my shoulders and said “Yup, that’s pretty much it.” At that point in time we were still going to the meetings.
Mum asked if I had talked to anyone about my questions. I replied by saying that having served as an elder there is no way that I would ever ask anyone about my questions. The elders will try and reason with you to bring you back in to alignment, but if you stand firm, the next thing you will get is a registered post letter inviting you to a judicial committee.
And that was where we left it. For the rest of the time that we were together it never came up again. She acted exactly the same toward us as she always has. In the ensuing months, it never came up, and we never raised it or pushed it. We thought the best thing was to be there and ready to answer any question when she felt the time was right.
But wait, there’s more...
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carla
Nice job with your mum!
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Oubliette
There's more? Please, some more? I want some more!
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Giordano
Winston this is the very best issue for fader's to cite. It is unassailable.
Forget trying to get believers to step away from the WT by debating beliefs, even blood, Armageddon, 607, the UN. None of that really hits home.
To demonstrate how evil a religion is one has to be shown how that religion treats the most innocent........the children. Be it the Catholic Church, Jonestown, or the JW's. How they protect or in these cases how they don't protect the children is the base line. It makes it impossible to go out in service asking families to open their hearts to the JW message. It makes it impossible to sit in the KH or attend an assembly knowing you might be sitting next to a pedophile. If they can't support that kind of conduct you have cracked the shell.
They may stay in because it's become a familiar habit but they will not be so judgmental of those that leave and they will certainly not look at the Elders and WT as compeletly trust worthy.
Your discussion with your MOM was brilliant.